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  1. #41
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Being civil is different than being friendly.

    It really depends on how Fe one is getting in these cases. If one is acting friendily while not being open, then it is sending mixed messages out. This is what is so frustrating and confusing to Fi types. It's like the Fe person wants the other person to like them and feel warm and fuzzy towards them but they don't want to give anything of themselves in return.

    There's nothing more insulting than having someone be in truth rejecting while they working hard to maintain a friendly exterior. Sort of like someone always ringing the doorbell but running when you come to answer.

    It is like if you want to reject someone, then stand up and take the heat, don't hide behind some good guy facade.
    Thanks, this really answered the question for me. I definitely understand why this would be frustrating to others. I'm pretty sure my Fe causes me to try my best to be liked by everyone; even by people I don't like.

    I wonder if the feeling of "fakeness" you get from someone with primary/secondary Fe is a good indicator of how much they don't like you.
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  2. #42
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by wedekit View Post
    Thanks, this really answered the question for me. I definitely understand why this would be frustrating to others. I'm pretty sure my Fe causes me to try my best to be liked by everyone; even by people I don't like.

    I wonder if the feeling of "fakeness" you get from someone with primary/secondary Fe is a good indicator of how much they don't like you.
    Undoubtably. But it would be better if they were merely civil rather than making all their appeals to my feeling nature, trying to win points with me so I'll feel all warm and fuzzy towards them. It grows tiresome having to weed through who really wants to be friendly and who does not. I can live with people not liking me, life is not a big popularity contest for me and I value quality over quanitity. It's the BS that I don't like.

  3. #43
    Senior Member Sunshine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    This is part of what gets Fe labeled as fake, you want to be seen as nice while brushing someone off? Just can't be done without people eventually realizing the fakeness of the action. We can't always be "nice" in life and it's disingenuous to try. jmo.
    It's not exclusive to Fe types tho.

  4. #44
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine View Post
    It's not exclusive to Fe types tho.
    You took the words right out of my mouth.

  5. #45
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine View Post
    It's not exclusive to Fe types tho.
    Not speaking of the types as much as the function. ESTP can use Fe as often as ExFJ to smooze (not saying that is all Fe does, just when it is used to smooze is all I am speaking of here. Fi has its own faults).

    Fi types (people who have Fi as their feeling function as opposed to strictly Fi doms) can try it but probably won't carry it off as effectively. Fi types fool others more often by just refusing to create conflict rather than by actively using Fe to generate good feelings in others. jmo.

    One fools by passivity and one by action. I am not saying Fi types aren't confusing as well, I am merely giving my opinion on Fe as Fi type.

    Edit: The motives between Fi and Fe seem a bit different. Fe wants to be liked and thought well of. Fi doesn't want to deal with conflict or disharmony with others. I could be wrong there, but I see in my INFJ husband his strong need to always be seen as "Nice" and "in the right" even when his motives aren't nice. I can tolerate being seen as mean or wrong but I hate facing other's anger and conflicts, but as I get older it's just not even a choice, something in me won't let me be passive anymotre.

  6. #46
    Glycerine
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    For me, I may come as fake with my Fe when someone annoys me and I feel the need to be nice. I feel really bad if I believe that I have offended someone to the point of guilt-filled stress. Maybe that is just an immature manifestation of my Fe.

    Heart, my motivations tend to both of wanting to be nice and avoiding coflict like the plague... I even sometimes do so more than my INFP mom. She will try to get rid of the tension by trying to talk people down but I will just sit there and let the tension pass. My method tends to resolve the situation more efficiently and there usually is no escalation.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    Heart, my motivations tend to both of wanting to be nice and avoiding coflict like the plague... I even sometimes do so more than my INFP mom. She will try to get rid of the tension by trying to talk people down but I will just sit there and let the tension pass. My method tends to resolve the situation more efficiently and there usually is no escalation.
    Your mom old enough she's likely got a lot more Te. I know a INFJ whose conflict resolution with family is: Apply Fe like crazy and then avoid them as much as possible. Nothing ever gets solved and family continues to step over boundaries and family also fumes and puzzles why INFJ is so distant. INFJ says cannot face these people with their actions because they don't have capcity to know right from wrong.

    I dealt with the same people by finally telling them exactly what had to change or I was breaking contact. They said "We do what we want, when we want, that's just us. We don't care about right and wrong.." So there, they did understand, just don't care. I broke contact guilt-free and breathe easier now! The INFJ still sweating each time phone rings...still gushing Fe like crazy when picks it up and still running away with relief when hangs up.

    I think my way was better, I actually asked and got an answer as to why they continued to be disrespectful of boundaries and they got to at least know why I don't warm to them, why they were cut direct. I gave them the chance to at least try to meet me halfway, they got to chose not to do so, but with INFJ they aren't even given a chance to know why the INFJ is distant.

    I know there are Fe types who don't avoid conflcts, I am just giving the case where one does use Fe to hide conflicts and to keep on appearing "nice" while really shunning the people they want to view them as "nice."

    I don't feel bad for offending people or hurting their feelings, what I feel bad over is if I unfairly hurt them or offended them without just cause.

  8. #48
    Earth Exalted Thursday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Edit: The motives between Fi and Fe seem a bit different. Fe wants to be liked and thought well of. Fi doesn't want to deal with conflict or disharmony with others. I could be wrong there, but I see in my INFJ husband his strong need to always be seen as "Nice" and "in the right" even when his motives aren't nice. I can tolerate being seen as mean or wrong but I hate facing other's anger and conflicts, but as I get older it's just not even a choice, something in me won't let me be passive anymotre.
    Hellz yeah

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  9. #49
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
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    last post = vague generality


    sorry
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

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  10. #50
    Senior Member edcoaching's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Edit: The motives between Fi and Fe seem a bit different. Fe wants to be liked and thought well of. Fi doesn't want to deal with conflict or disharmony with others. I could be wrong there, but I see in my INFJ husband his strong need to always be seen as "Nice" and "in the right" even when his motives aren't nice. I can tolerate being seen as mean or wrong but I hate facing other's anger and conflicts, but as I get older it's just not even a choice, something in me won't let me be passive anymotre.
    I think you're describing what is more accurately immaturity in some people who prefer Fe and a core value in others. I do not need to be liked, but I do like to know that what I am doing is making a difference. When I'm teaching workshops, for example, I need people laughing at my stories and engaging in exercises not to feed my ego but so that I know they're getting something out of the day. That's very different from wanting to be liked. A lot of Fe's I know avoid conflict as you describe for Fi. In fact my Fi sister-in-law once described my Fe sister-in-law, who is ALWAYS upbeat and enthusiastic, "You could serve her shit on a shingle and she'd say it was the best thing she'd ever eaten..."
    edcoaching

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