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  1. #1
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Default Are people drawn to us NF's when they need emotion??

    I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

    I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

    I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

    Is it the NF's emotional/passionate make up?? Are they drawn to that when they are feeling unhappy??

    By the way, I have NOT pursued any of them....but I'm starting to get a complex.
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  2. #2
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    Fe is pretty attractive when you are starved for affection. I seek it out in the people I surround myself with. Plus the George Clooney thing is hard to resist.

  3. #3
    soft and silky sarah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

    I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

    I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

    Is it the NF's emotional/passionate make up?? Are they drawn to that when they are feeling unhappy??

    By the way, I have NOT pursued any of them....but I'm starting to get a complex.

    Yeah, Fe is a very powerfully attractive function (I'm married to an ENFJ...)

    Healthy NFs are very empathic, so people who are going through a personal life crisis such as an unhappy marriage on the verge of breaking up will tend to seek relationships with a person who won't judge them and who will make them feel good about who they are, apart from their social and physical assets. In my experience, some NFs are wonderful at making people feel truly valued as human beings. Sometimes friendly gestures can be misinterpreted as romantic if the other person is actively looking for that kind of thing and is doing a lot of wishful-thinking. But I don't think it's your fault, and I think the problem is with these women who don't respect your boundaries.

    Sarah
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  4. #4
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    If a shark smells blood, it's gonna pursue the source.

    If you don't want to be a target for emotional leeches, stop being so receptive to their woes.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    I have pretty good boundaries when it comes to this kind of stuff and haven't had any serious problems with the sexual approach for years now. My age helps some. Yet this can happen at any age, I think.

    But, when I am feeling particularly strong and healthy, it isn't unusual for strangers to approach me with something troubling them. And I've become accustomed, and sometimes, receptive to it.

    For me it's a matter of intuiting what may be problematic or not.

    In your case it sounds like it would be worth calling it out pronto if you genuinely aren't interested.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  6. #6
    Feelin' FiNe speculative's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    If a shark smells blood, it's gonna pursue the source.

    If you don't want to be a target for emotional leeches, stop being so receptive to their woes.
    I stopped being receptive and saw a drastic change within a week.

    Just be sure not to take an "attitude" while you're turning off the faucet. Keep a smile on your face, and then when you ignore they're emotion needs they'll rightly think it's them, not you...
    "How can I be, all I want to be,
    When all I want to do is strip away these stilled constraints
    And crush this charade, shred this sad, masquerade"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGeq5v7L3WM

  7. #7
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I agree there are people who can abuse the general goodwill of the NF, and who start leeching off of it, and it becomes more of a chronic pattern - and that's where it's important to set boundaries.

    But let's face it, sometimes life really sucks, and people just need to dump their issues onto someone who listens and can empathize. Someone who won't judge, and someone who will just let them be vulnerable and 'broken'.

    To the OP, that's rather unfortunate, especially in a dicey situation where it's the wife of one of your friends. I'd kindly but firmly set some boundaries regarding that.

    I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  8. #8
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.
    Wow...does that ever describe me. I'm in an unhealthy pattern of this now....and have been for some time.

    I appreciate all these responses. I'm contemplating each of them.

    Its strange, I can walk into a room and the most vulnerable person in the room will somehow find me. This is especially true of women......and I tend to be VERY attracted to them....

    Its unhealthy.....
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  9. #9
    Nerd King Usurper Edgar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

    I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

    I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?
    I have an answer, but it is not related to Myers Briggs or you specifically: Married women want to feel appreciated when their husbands take them for granted. Hence they look for that appreciation outside of marriage and start "coming on like a freight train" to men that show even a small bit of interest in them.

    Also, on a related topic, recently divorced chicks are really easy to pick up.

  10. #10
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.
    Amen!



    The interesting thing I have found are NF's (or FJ's?) who tend to be super caring and supportive of their partners and end up feeling taken advantage of or dissatisfied with their relationship(s)

    Then they find me and I guess I make them feel better because I don't use them like their previous partners, I inject laughter and fun in their lives, and basically "make them feel good/better" I'm kinda like them, but I do the job they usually do. I make them into a taker and not a giver.

    OMG, stop using me to make you feel better!!!

    I think as an ENFP particularly, I have to avoid the trap of trying to make the person feel *happy* because you often try to make people feel good as a way of attracting them to you or just because you like them. Sometimes people interpret my actions for more than they are.

    The irony is once this dynamic is set up, it can (and usually?) totally backfires for you. The romantic partnership and connection can't really grow because you set up a pattern of basically supporting/making them feel good and this is your function. You're not so much an actual romantic partner. Basically the whole 'ego repair' thing Casc. mentions.

    So you're giving and giving, thinking this person is really into you and wants to be with you, but really they just need something you offer and something that other people could offer. You just happen to be good timing or do it better.

    Does that make sense?

    What further complicates it is that even when you don't love someone or aren't in love with them or even attracted to them, you can truly care about them or develop attachment or a sense of intimacy.

    Egads.

    I just turned myself off to relationships.

    Thanks. LOL.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

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