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  1. #21
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jtanSis1 View Post
    It's great to be the martyr and help the ills of the world, but not so you can make the same mistake again. I'm starting to see how God feels about unrepentant sinners. Society has made us believe in instant intimacy, that only good feelings are involved. Instant intimacy only hurts them since it doesn't fill the entire void. Intimacy is about getting close, being hurt, and still loving them and persevering. It's other-person focused, not being self-centered and about ourselves, but with an open heart that can stand the pain just to be closer. That's what makes us so vital is our preference to have an open heart to others. Sorry If this is preachy or too deep, probably wrong topic for this.
    No, it's good, and true.
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  2. #22
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jtanSis1 View Post
    It's great to be the martyr and help the ills of the world, but not so you can make the same mistake again. I'm starting to see how God feels about unrepentant sinners. Society has made us believe in instant intimacy, that only good feelings are involved. Instant intimacy only hurts them since it doesn't fill the entire void. Intimacy is about getting close, being hurt, and still loving them and persevering. It's other-person focused, not being self-centered and about ourselves, but with an open heart that can stand the pain just to be closer. That's what makes us so vital is our preference to have an open heart to others. Sorry If this is preachy or too deep, probably wrong topic for this.
    Love it! This is kinda what's been on my mind lately and now I have the word -- INTIMACY! -- exactly. Hope you don't mind, I'm gonna make a new thread about this in relationships and use part of your quote to jumpstart it.

    You're right, the question of the true nature of intimacy and nature of a good relationship IS deep. And deserving of it's own topic.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  3. #23
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Great stuff people....thank you

    I know I radiate charisma...but I'm NOT trying....and at times, I don't even WANT the attention.....sometimes I think I'm closer to an "I" then a "E"

    I have major resentment issues ....as some have mentioned here....with how I help people...but never seem to get it in return.

    It is incredibly frustrating and keeping me in and out of relationships.
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  4. #24
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado
    Its strange, I can walk into a room and the most vulnerable person in the room will somehow find me. This is especially true of women......and I tend to be VERY attracted to them....

    Its unhealthy.....
    With you being an extrovert, I can see how vulnerable/hurting women would be drawn to you.

    Can't say with myself that I draw those types towards me - rather, in the past, I tended to be attracted to them...so it kinda all fell on me.

    I agree it's an unhealthy pattern - in the sense that you cannot forge an actual loving, mutually fulfilling relationship when one of the parties is, well, unavailable. But I'll tell you why I was attracted to them: it's because when people are hurting like that, it's like you can connect deeply almost instantaneously. You're that much closer to the window of their soul, such as it is. More raw, more 'Real', in a sense. That's why I was attracted. However, it was somewhat deceptive, in that like czecze was saying, all of it was based on a more a platonic level -- because they weren't in a position to really give of themselves, you know? So it was more just a connection as human beings -- not relationship material, when it was all said and done. Easy in those beginning stages though to deceive yourself that the human/emotional connection is love, though. And perhaps on some level it was. But not in the longterm relationship sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    The irony is once this dynamic is set up, it can (and usually?) totally backfires for you. The romantic partnership and connection can't really grow because you set up a pattern of basically supporting/making them feel good and this is your function. You're not so much an actual romantic partner. Basically the whole 'ego repair' thing Casc. mentions.

    So you're giving and giving, thinking this person is really into you and wants to be with you, but really they just need something you offer and something that other people could offer. You just happen to be good timing or do it better.

    Does that make sense?
    Yep, totally. This has been my experience. And it's not like I wasn't into the relationship, or I should say, *potential* relationship, at the start. Because I was.

    But I'd realize eventually that they weren't really into ME at all -- they liked how I made them feel. Could have been anyone else out there as well, who could have fulfilled the same role - so the fact that it was me in particular didn't matter a whole lot. They just needed someone like me, at that time. So, once I would realize that, I'd end the 'relationship'.

    What further complicates it is that even when you don't love someone or aren't in love with them or even attracted to them, you can truly care about them or develop attachment or a sense of intimacy.
    Yep.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  5. #25
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I feel you, been there, done that, wearing the T shirt as I type lol.

    It sucks when people do that to you.
    Thanks! Sorry to hear about you as well. I guess it is possible to be too nice.


    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post

    But I'd realize eventually that they weren't really into ME at all -- they liked how I made them feel. Could have been anyone else out there as well, who could have fulfilled the same role - so the fact that it was me in particular didn't matter a whole lot. They just needed someone like me, at that time. So, once I would realize that, I'd end the 'relationship'.
    Yep that is the reality of the whole thing and it sucks pretty bad to know that is how much you only mattered. Its kind of weird really, they come to you with all these emotinal issues and at the end of it all, it's you that ends up with emotinal issues (recentment in this case) while they go back to being "normal". Ironic really.
    ENFJ 3W4

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  6. #26
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Spooky. This describes my experiences to a "T"




    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    With you being an extrovert, I can see how vulnerable/hurting women would be drawn to you.

    I agree it's an unhealthy pattern - in the sense that you cannot forge an actual loving, mutually fulfilling relationship when one of the parties is, well, unavailable. But I'll tell you why I was attracted to them: it's because when people are hurting like that, it's like you can connect deeply almost instantaneously. You're that much closer to the window of their soul, such as it is. More raw, more 'Real', in a sense.
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  7. #27
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    I have people who come to when they want to whine- I try to give them advice but they mostly just want reassurance that they are 'good people'.
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  8. #28
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

    I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

    I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

    Is it the NF's emotional/passionate make up?? Are they drawn to that when they are feeling unhappy??

    By the way, I have NOT pursued any of them....but I'm starting to get a complex.
    Years ago, my mother actually blurted in the middle of dinner, "What the heck is this with you and unavailable men??"

    I've never pursued married men. The very idea of it disgusts me. But it seemed like no matter what I did, I attracted them and I was really getting upset. Not only did I imagine some woman sitting at home potentially being emotionally/physically betrayed by this man (not with me!!!), but I also thought, "I deserve my own love. Not second-hand junk." It really made me an angry girl. Some of my friends began to ask if I oughta see a psychic and "clear my aura", that's how ridiculous it was getting.

    You don't EVER want to be someone's rebound either, Desperado. It's all kinds of bad.

    As to the attraction, I've had many of my NT friends - girls and guys - seek me out when they're in dire straits and need to be pulled out of the water. I can handle their feelings in those dark awful moments when they can't. Likewise, I go to them when I need the world to stop pounding on me.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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  9. #29
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by speculative View Post
    I stopped being receptive and saw a drastic change within a week.

    Just be sure not to take an "attitude" while you're turning off the faucet. Keep a smile on your face, and then when you ignore they're emotion needs they'll rightly think it's them, not you...

    This is a very wise post. One problem with being very available to others is the (sometimes unspoken) expectation they'll be available to you. That may or may not be true and can lead to disappointment and resentment.

    Needing to be needed is still a kind of neediness. I've found it's better to cultivate reciprocal friendships; being the person others always seek out when they need comforting is cold comfort for me.

    Over the past few years I've realized I have a number of friends who only call when things aren't going well and they want to talk about it. But these folks don't seem to remember my challenges - eg, a close friend who knew I was out of work for almost a year but didn't write a single word of congratulations when I finally got a job. This is someone whose woes I've listened to for many hours. These one-way relationships get tiresome; these days I'm taking less care of others and better care of myself.
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  10. #30
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    hmmm...I recently broke off a relationship because of this dynamic. I let it get too far. All relationships need a bit of give and take, but if you are doing all giving, then it's time to draw the line.
    Luckily for me, it was as clean a break as I could make it. The funny thing was he persued me, and completely lost interest. And hung on. I didn't want to be the emotional safety blanket any more.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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