[NF] NF females both drawn to and repulsed by NF males?

[alcea rosea]

Any of you NF females both drawn to and repulsed by NF males?

I seem to experience more of the second response than the first (comparatively, not generally) as I hurtle towards 30 and I'm feeling guilty about it.

Interesting question.

I think I'm really both drawn to and repulsed by the NF males. I can handle NF females much better. I really don't know how to react to NF males. Maybe because I'm not used to experience such intensity with males. I'm more used to handle the strong T (ST or NT) males.

I really have to think about this....

 

[kyuuei]

..Mayhap it is my experience with NF males that makes me capable of handling them so entirely well. In retrospect, my life has tended to attract, coincidence or otherwise, NF males in my life I think on a scale I don't suspect to be entirely common. It is the NT males that absolutely attract my curiosity.

 

[LadyJaye]

I think I understand what you're saying, Lady. I don't know how to do it other than to walk through it. I know that walking around it isn't an option in some cases.

I've come to the conclusion that to be alive and to be me is to open myself to both heartaches and joy and that it is worth it.

I've learned to grieve in a healthy way and that's helped a lot. No more of that mopey, addictive and destructive self-pity stuff and that has made it easier for me to accept loss. Takes away my fear of being hurt or making a mistake. Courage.

Learning where my boundaries with others are is a continuous process which becomes easier with time. I need to be very clear with myself about where I and the other person begin and end. Very clear.

Only way to walk through it is to embrace it when it comes. "Okay, now we're going to do this, learn something and come out on the other side stronger." Like that.

And I take paying attention to myself seriously when the emotions become intense. Myself. Not the other person. This is important and can be difficult.

Yeah, walking through things seems to be the only way to live my life and continue to be in flux, which I have to have. It's just, sometimes I feel like the grieving is going to break me in half. I could have a really good cry about something, and know that it's only the tip of the iceberg - that I'd probably need seven more good cries just to take the sting out. It's very exhausting, and physically, I have to be careful with myself. Crying makes me sick, so I've had to avoid it, knowing the whole time that crying is healthy and that my brain and body are just trying to help themselves. Thus, the reason I look at grieving like doom.

 

[Lady_X]

i think my dad was an enfp like me...and i think he was the coolest! haha...i can't imagine anyone being repulsed by an nf guy...weird thing to say actually.

 

[Moiety]

Typology aside it kind of bums me out how women don't have a problem dressing up the "damsel in distress" outfit society as created for them.

The pressure to perform is almost always on the male side of things. We have to act tough even if we aren't. Women can just latch on to a tough guy.

 

[quietmusician]

Nice to know I am "capable" of being handled. Seriously though, I am not that bad to be around..I promise, lol. I can grow some T when the time calls for it.

 

[Amargith]

I personally love NF men. The intensity, the passion, what's not to love. The emotional connection is such a rush. It's not always as practical as dating an NT though...the emotional highs are incredible but the emotional lows are...equally challenging. Exhausting..but so worth it in my opinion
I tend to like both NT's and NF's in my friends as well. NT's are reassuring to have around when you are unsure on how to deal with something yourself. NF's are way better at handling my emotional side though, and will understand that I don't need to hear solutions at that point, I just need a friend. Also way easier to hug

They both provide a sense of safety and trust, in their own way, which is something I very much respond to.

 

[BlueScreen]

I think the fear of NF males is not fear of weakness but fear of self. No person who is strong and developed has a need to fear someone emotional. The fear of emotions is theirs. They are uncomfortable because something is presented that does not involve avoidance and the modern carefree life. There is something higher at stake, something deeper at stake. You don't just get to flow through it, you stop and live. Some are built for this adrenaline and high life. They seek it, and need that out of worldly feeling. Some can't face it, and just need to safely cruise to death.

 

[Siegfried]

I think the fear of NF males is not fear of weakness but fear of self. No person who is strong and developed has a need to fear someone emotional. The fear of emotions is theirs. They are uncomfortable because something is presented that does not involve avoidance and the modern carefree life. There is something higher at stake, something deeper at stake. You don't just get to flow through it, you stop and live. Some are built for this adrenaline and high life. They seek it, and need that out of worldly feeling. Some can't face it, and just need to safely cruise to death.

I am prepared to face my emotions now and live, thats not something that I want to avoid.

 

[hopeseed]

I really love NF males. Although I have to say, I think some NF's, if we're unhealthy emotionally, can be pretty horrible, that goes for anyone I guess. But for the most part NF males, to me are the best! Those qualities are so attractive to me, especially if they're comfortable with being how they are.

 

[Siegfried]

I really love NF males. Although I have to say, I think some NF's, if we're unhealthy emotionally, can be pretty horrible, that goes for anyone I guess. But for the most part NF males, to me are the best! Those qualities are so attractive to me, especially if they're comfortable with being how they are.

Also NF females are awesome you know, I feel understood and they are really warm.

 

[The Third Rider]

I really love NF males. Although I have to say, I think some NF's, if we're unhealthy emotionally, can be pretty horrible, that goes for anyone I guess. But for the most part NF males, to me are the best! Those qualities are so attractive to me, especially if they're comfortable with being how they are.

That puts a smile on my face.

 

[ArchAngel]

Trying out this forum at the suggestion of another member ... and seeking insight into INFJ females, one of which I am loving for the first time ...

Bill Cosby does this wonderful bit where he's characterizing female behaviors toward men with the summary, "C'mere! C'mere! Get away! Get away!"

Welcome to my first relationship with an INFJ woman ...

 

[jtanSis1]

I think the problem is that as men were supposed to be emotionally secure, but for NF men it's more of a challenge since we are so close to them.

 

[chris1207]

Depressing.

I am not going to start being ST... sorry. I don't see why it can't be her being that. I am not interested in cold hard concrete facts. If you want something like that, go spend your time with someone else (and they usually do)... I have no problem with her deciding something trivial (read: almost everything, as long as it doesn't mess with "the code" ), it's just that I am not going to change any more for anyone. If the world is so god damn ST that I can't fit in, then too bad for the world.

I am so fed up with this preconception that I must change to fit in. I've dealt with that my whole life, and I am not doing it anymore.

(I must add that I really enjoyed reading the discussion, I am just annoyed by the idea of changing myself to fill someone's expectations)

:moonwalk:

It's a freakin smiley party up in here!

Wow! This is totally what I was feeling too while I read through the thread. I really like your post. I knew if I read long enough I'd have someone to relate back to!

I can understand where the OP is coming from to a certain extent. On the NT side, I really haven't seen many NT-NT relationships and maybe they have the problem that their women are too dikish. It just really sucks that NT women are so few and far between, though.

I really do think that the word "repulsed" is really harsh. I would think that something as simply as saying that the relationship fizzle or the flame was put out would be a much better way of putting it. I guess I'm done for now.

BTW, I totally switched from Tubular Bells to Metallica in response to this thread.

 

[jackandthebeast]

Typology aside it kind of bums me out how women don't have a problem dressing up the "damsel in distress" outfit society as created for them.

The pressure to perform is almost always on the male side of things. We have to act tough even if we aren't. Women can just latch on to a tough guy.

Thank you. I agree. I find emotionally expressive guys refreshing in our hegemonically masculine society. Learning to handle emotions healthily and to deal with the practicalities of life is something all NFs have to learn- it shouldn't be more acceptable for a female to be deficient in this respect than for a male.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I see it only as a positive. I see no reason to be turned off. Perhaps if the person is extremely rigid in their sense of morals or extremely extroverted then it would be too much for me. It's easy for me to be with someone similar to myself, and I'm rather flexible but also very private.

 

[Norrsken]

I'm an NF female and in a couple of months, will be married to my NF male and we've been dating for 2-3 years now. There's a lot of challenges, I won't lie. There's just something about him that makes me wait patiently for him while he goes through his stormy moods, and he always come running back to me when the smoke clears. If two NFs want to be together... someone has to be the rock in the relationship and have a huge amount of patience for the other one.

I love the man to death and I cannot live without him.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

From my experience, I like NF males on the friendship level but I'm not so sure about the romance level... "Repulsed" is certainly not the accurate word to describe it. If I do end up with an NF guy, I would want one with a low F preference because I have been accused of being too detached or not expressive/communicative IRL from people with high F preference/people who lead with a feeling function. If another INFJ, yeah I want someone who has some common ground but I would be turned off by someone too similar to me. There needs to be some contrast in order for there to be chemistry. I have friends who are fi-doms/fi-auxillary but the dominant differing values might make for some clashes in a full relationship.

It could be influenced by the fact that I had a situation with an unhealthy fi-user who indicated that he liked me romantically but I wasn't interest in. It could be this one person. I wouldn't discourage NF-NF couples on a global scale, this is just my preference. I know some NF-NF couples that are very successful and have great relationships. My INFP cousin has an NF husband and they are happily married.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I imagine there's few things harder than being an NF male in this world. Sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't mode of existence.