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  1. #11
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    From college biology: What does the pistil of a flower and a super model have in common?
    Answer: Stigma, style, and ovaries!

    I wrote that one on my test. Got an A

  2. #12
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?


    To get to the other side.

    Yup, I wrote it.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    Here's one from last week:
    My supervisor was telling me about this dude who didn't want to go home for labor day. I responded: "Well, I guess he's just homophobic." Get it? HOME-o-phobic? Hardy har!


    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    I independently created "This reminds me of camping, because it's intense." But I doubt I was the first, I've heard it elsewhere since.


    Quote Originally Posted by oberon View Post
    Have you heard about the new disease that divers get? As soon as they get in the water, they start laughing uncontrollably.

    It's called diver-tickle-itis!


    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    Oh! In high school physics, we were learning about fission/fusion. I said I was conFUSED. Hardy har!


    Phoenix, you're this close to being deleted from my friend's list. Now quick, say something cool.

  4. #14
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mo_(operalover) View Post














    Phoenix, you're this close to being deleted from my friend's list. Now quick, say something cool.
    This was the only post that made me laugh!

  5. #15
    Mud and rain and chaos... TickTock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    I independently created "This reminds me of camping, because it's intense." But I doubt I was the first, I've heard it elsewhere since.
    yeah I came up with something similar thinking there must be a good joke in there somewhere, I eventually realized that there wasn't.

  6. #16
    / booyalab's Avatar
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    My favorite advice to anyone who has lost the remote control for the tv: "It's in a remote location."
    I'm funny AND helpful!
    I don't wanna!

  7. #17
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mo_(operalover) View Post

    Phoenix, you're this close to being deleted from my friend's list. Now quick, say something cool.
    I see you have failed to recognize my brilliance. For this, I give you "Cool" Story-Joke that I made up at 2am tonight (ie I'm improving this right now):

    There was this dude named Mo who fell face-first into a pool of liquid nitrogen. After a minute or so, I helped you out and surveyed for damage. Your face had turned completely white, and I couldn't help but laugh when your frost bitten nose fell off. Then the frostbitten organs of your danger zone fell off and your vocal range jumped up a few octaves (which is completely biologically sound...). You poor frozen man! You kept grabbing your none-zone at regular intervals and shreiking. Your hands, however, were miraculously unfrozen considering you were only wearing one glove. When I asked for your real name, you said "Mike_(kidlover), but you probably know me as Michael Jackson." The end. Get it? White skin, no noze, grab penis and shreik dance move, the one glove style, the molestation charges, all the while sticking to the "cool" theme? COME ON!



    I think I just lost a friend...

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    I see you have failed to recognize my brilliance. For this, I give you "Cool" Story-Joke that I made up at 2am tonight (ie I'm improving this right now):

    There was this dude named Mo who fell face-first into a pool of liquid nitrogen. After a minute or so, I helped you out and surveyed for damage. Your face had turned completely white, and I couldn't help but laugh when your frost bitten nose fell off. Then the frostbitten organs of your danger zone fell off and your vocal range jumped up a few octaves (which is completely biologically sound...). You poor frozen man! You kept grabbing your none-zone at regular intervals and shreiking. Your hands, however, were miraculously unfrozen considering you were only wearing one glove. When I asked for your real name, you said "Mike_(kidlover), but you probably know me as Michael Jackson." The end. Get it? White skin, no noze, grab penis and shreik dance move, the one glove style, the molestation charges, all the while sticking to the "cool" theme? COME ON!



    I think I just lost a friend...
    You seem to have a talent for this, don't you?

    All the same, I shall award you an E for effort.

  9. #19
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    I'm considering doing stand up, though my paralyzing stage fright is a serious obstacle. I'd have to be drunk. Well, I've been been compiling thoughts, old and new. I won't give much away, but here's a taste of what's already swirling around the Tubes elsewhere:


    When I was a kid, my dad gave me $5 every Saturday night to spank my mom. I don't think the resulting complete insanity has changed my outlook on life much at all.

    When you look into rearranging the furniture, the furniture also looks into rearranging you.

    [This is a true story.] I worked with a guy from "I dunno" Latin America, who was mostly black, was built like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and wore a Che Guevara t-shirt about half the time. I called him "Cheese Burgara." ...Not to his face though, the boy would have destroyed me.

    Women with lazy eyes turn me on. If I manage to date a girl like this, her nickname will be "Deadeye." She'll hate it, and she'll leave me, but what am I gonna do with a lazy-eyed chick anyway.

    Cut out every horoscope in the paper minus the star sign heading, and try to find yours. If you're right twice in one week, call me, because I lost my keys.

    [need intro]...When I think about beautiful women, nearly unemotional electronic music just flows through me.

    When you really don't care about women, and treat them like some garbage you haven't gotten around to taking out yet, they fall all over you. As a rule. I don't much care for mis-treatment of "God's finest creatures" though. As a rule.

    [need intro]...Mm, yeah, they use canaries for that. My dad used to work in a seashell mine, so he knows a lot about oceanic seizmography.

    Love's a real kick in the nuts. A hard kick in the nuts. And again, after you writhe for a while and stand back up. And so on. After some hours, you might get stabbed in the lung and beat about the face. Then it's right back to the nuts.

    Well I was on a lot of drugs in the early 80s, like everyone else. Kool-Aid, M&Ms, baby food...

  10. #20
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Haha, that's pretty good (although the furniture one stumped me)! You consistently make me laugh on this forum, so I'm pretty sure you'd rock.

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