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  1. #1
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Default Why does this anger me?

    Ok so I'll be level with you.

    I...have been angry for a long time with my mum.

    But for something I keep thinking I shouldn't be angry about. Basically when I was 15 I had a major asthma attack and nearly died. My mum basically saved my life by CPR.

    But I've always felt that I should have died that day and the selfish waste that I am these days reinforces that idea. She took death away from me, when it was clearly time for me to go.

    Yet....I know that it is wrong....how horrible to be angry that someone kept you alive...right? The fuck is wrong with me?
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Stigmata's Avatar
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    What makes you feel as if you're a selfish waste?

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Living is the hard part.

    You appear to struggle with your Inner Judge, that voice in your head telling you non-stop that you re a waste of space. And it's causing you non-stop emotional pain. That would wear out anyone. The only way to get rid of Him is by calling him on his bs, re-examining why you believe the things you believe and accepting that you are entitled to making mistakes as a human. You aint God, no matter how much your ego/Judge would have you believe you should be. You are meant to be imperfect, grow, learn and journey. That is what makes life a joy. Identify which beliefs are yours and which are His - often generated by wrongful perceptions in your childhood. Then prioritise yours. Dump his. They re a waste of energy and a way to keep you suffering.

    Stop punishing yourself for being who you are. Stop the hate. Kill the Judge.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  4. #4
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    I can't project my beliefs onto you- but I believe in fate and no- it was NOT your time to die that day---else you WOULD have.

    Also- your mom is heaven bound not only for birthing you and raising you but for SAVING YOUR LIFE. It's pretty selfish of you to take away that grand deed that she did. And to dishonor her by shitting on it.

    Pull yourself together and quit blaming others for your insecurities. Dig deep to see what is troubling you and work on that.
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  5. #5
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stigmata View Post
    What makes you feel as if you're a selfish waste?
    Answer below.

    Quote Originally Posted by AzulEyes View Post
    Also- your mom is heaven bound not only for birthing you and raising you but for SAVING YOUR LIFE. It's pretty selfish of you to take away that grand deed that she did. And to dishonor her by shitting on it.

    Pull yourself together and quit blaming others for your insecurities. Dig deep to see what is troubling you and work on that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Stop punishing yourself for being who you are. Stop the hate. Kill the Judge.
    Really want to do this...don't really know how.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  6. #6
    Member zulidadwi's Avatar
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    Maybe you have an anger issue, some anomaly you can't control. It makes angry all the time and you can't control it

  7. #7
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Answer below.





    Really want to do this...don't really know how.
    I'm happy to PM with you if you want- friend me. I know a lot of ESFJs too.
    Sometimes when we are searching for our purpose- there are a lot of bumps in the road. Go easy on yourself- and those around you- and things will start to come more clear.
    It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

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  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Answer below.

    Really want to do this...don't really know how.
    Start by expecting it to take a while

    Also, if you can, enlist the help of a professional, they can talk you through this process, and what is still to come, giving you some footing.

    Otherwise, do as I did. Start getting angry at the Judge. Not at yourself, not at others, but at that thing in your head killing your desire to live. It is colouring your *entire* perception.

    Use that wit and quick Ti-mind of yours to be sceptical of Him. Treat him like the abusive husband he is.

    Start with identifying and listing the beliefs you hold. From the silliest things to the most normal. Question it all, sceptically. Then identify where you treat others differently and hold them to a different standard than yourself. Often, it is indicative in what you truly believe: especially when we aint that stressed and we like the other person, our 'judgement' is going to be more reasonable, realistic and true to who we are.

    Then compare it to how you would treat yourself in a similar situation. And you'll know the difference. You ll be able to recognise him more clearly.

    The Judge is often an amalgamation of overly stressed values of others we don't necessarily agree with or see differently executed - a remnant of our environment when we were growing up as kids and were still in the process of forming our own value system and priorities. It causes such internal conflict that you spend most of your time feeling worthless and cleaning up the rubble it leaves behind. It eats away at your energy levels and you'll find that once you go through belief after belief, reasserting what *you* believe, it ll feel like a ton of bricks are lifted of your shoulders you never even realised you were carrying.

    This all takes time. A lot of time. And there ll be a lot of stumbling and falling and starting over - like anything you're still learning to do. It'll feel hopeless at times, and other times you'll feel like you're finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You ll find though that with each belief you recalibrate, energy is going to be freed up as that is one less conflict non-stop ruminating in the back of your mind. It'll step by step add up until your mind is once again free.

    It is the most *singularly* important thing you can do for your own health and definitely worth of your focus. If you re however having a blah day, then take a blah day. Tell the judge to shut up and promise yourself to try again tomorrow. This is a marathon. Compassion, empathy and patience for yourself are the key tools in this process. And taking a break, as well as having to redo something to get it right this time are most definitely vital parts of the process, so long as you return, again and again, to do the work.

    You can do this. You can shut that bitch up.

    You need to. And yes, you are worth the effort. Never let him have you believe anything else.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  9. #9
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Start with identifying and listing the beliefs you hold. From the silliest things to the most normal. Question it all, sceptically. Then identify where you treat others differently and hold them to a different standard than yourself. Often, it is indicative in what you truly believe: especially when we aint that stressed and we like the other person, our 'judgement' is going to be more reasonable, realistic and true to who we are.
    I might do that in this thread, good suggestion.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  10. #10
    Senior Member zago's Avatar
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    I feel something similar about myself, and it may have something to do with being at a crossroads in my life.

    I was kind of a sickly child. I don't think I would have lived without the help of modern medicine. In my mind right now, that means to me that I am not really supposed to be here. I am too weak. Unable to thrive. Like as if I cheated my way into a college that was too advanced for me. If, in the wild you made sure a runt-of-the-litter lion (or something) survived into adulthood despite not being strong enough, I'm sure you could do so, but would it be accepted by the rest? Would it ever have any status? The same opportunities? It would always be noticeably weaker. Don't we live in a world where this is the case? Where someone can be born with some horrific, even disfiguring condition that would have killed them but medicine keeps them alive to live a life as a cripple, basically?

    On one hand, that's a disturbing thought. That's life, though. It isn't what we would call perfect or fair, but I think we are getting there by our own efforts. Nature is indeed something to conquer.

    But I digress. You're possibly mad at your mom. My guess is that you've shifted things around a bit. Moms of course are famous for their expectations of their children; for always thinking her son needs to be doing something more with his life--getting married, finishing college, being more productive with time, do your damn homework, making friends, etc. etc. etc. "How are you getting along with your mother" is indeed one of the more difficult questions to be asked. It's like you can't be around her without sensing what she is thinking about your status in life and how desperate she seems for you to get it right. You kinda just wish she would leave you alone and get her own thing going.

    Nonetheless, her pressure is ingrained in us, and we feel a deep, not always conscious need not to fail her. Or dad. But often mom. Problem is, we are who we are, and that doesn't always fit with what mom wants. Helping to obfuscate the issue is that we don't exactly even want what her vision (which she always makes obvious, and not so subtley) entails. Maybe you don't want marriage. Maybe you don't want kids, or a high-status job, or a fancy degree, or whatever. Maybe you resent it all even more, because your mom isn't even someone whose life you want yours to be like, in fact it seems downright dreary. The truth is that you've let your parents tell you what you want for so long, you don't even know who the F you are. At all.

    That's the case with me, anyway. And that's why I'm at a crossroads. I feel like my life could be in the process of turning itself inside out right now, almost literally. From one perspective, it seems like I'll never cut it. I feel like the cripple who isn't meant to live. I could try as hard as I could, harder than others have to try, and maybe achieve mediocrity.. but I'd be miserable.

    From the other perspective, I can give up all those things I thought I was supposed to be in life and just do whatever I want without regard. And that's what I'm doing. And to be honest, it feels like I'm going to die. It feels like I'm going to run out of money and die. It feels like I'm going to wind up completely alone. In a gutter on the street. But for now, I'm quite happy. It took some time, but I'm slowly discovering things in the world that I am interested because I'M interested in them, not because it's something I think I should be doing. It took going through hell (the history of this is pretty apparent in my posts over the last 6 months or so). I quit my job. I went through severe depression. I went back to college. I dropped out of college. I moved downtown, then I moved right back. I made a bunch of new friends, then I abruptly stopped talking to all of them. My lasting interests and desires are beginning to surface. It's like discovering who I was underneath all along.

    Maybe you're like me, I dunno. I think a lot of people have issues with their parents though, so there's a decent chance that somehow this means something. I was a lot angrier at my mom and dad when I was depressed, when I didn't see the faintest hope for myself in living the life they'd taught me to live and there seemed to be no other option. One day I almost wrote them a letter accusing them of all the ways they did me wrong. They made me play sports I hated and wasn't good at. My mom would give me tongue lashings about my performance in school that bordered on psychological abuse. She forced religion on me, and it confused me, scared me, and left me empty handed. And she would always use it as a trump card for her own agenda, but I was too young to understand what she was doing. My dad let her nag and bitch at him, he just put up with it like a dog with its tail between its legs. And she always hated her job, which bothered me a lot. She'd come home and just lash out at people. It never made sense to me how I was supposed to find motivation to try in the world if this is what I could expect.

    And oh, I pushed back. My mom has chilled out considerably over the years, and I know it is in no small part due to my often explosive defiance. 'Cause in the end, she is a good person, but she was just... crazy. When I was 26, she told me she would pay for me to see a shrink. I didn't talk to her for an entire year (true fury is someone messing you up in the head for years and then telling you to get therapy for what they did to you), and in the end I demanded an apology and despite initial resistance, I got one. It seems now that she has found herself as well. She takes her job in stride. She likes to work crossword puzzles, decorate her house, play with and take care of her pet rabbits, and watch TV shows on netflix. She doesn't even bother with religion anymore. Things have changed a lot.

    I am still angry about the past, a little. I know a lot of my time was wasted and I was led down the wrong path many times. I feel I could have been someone different if those things hadn't happened. But the more I find myself and do what I like to do, the less it seems to matter. Plus, the singularity is coming. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

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