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Thread: Why do I always

  1. #11
    Highly Hollow Wandering's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jen View Post
    Wandering, maybe it's an INFJ thing? I seriously feel like a freak sometimes as if no one understands me.
    Quite frankly, I'm not even sure I *want* people to understand me, not any more. Or rather, I don't want them to *know* me that well any more, because once they do, they judge me. Instead of listening to what I am telling them about myself, they look at what I do/don't do, and they criticise me for it. Since by definition the areas of myself that I take longest to disclose are the ones that I am most vulnerable in, that hurts like mad...

    Honestly, I feel like it's a game of "damned if I do, damned if I don't". If I don't reveal myself to people, they get hurt and they criticise me for not trusting them. But if I do reveal myself to them, then they get judging and they criticise me for being wrong somehow I hate it!

    This is getting me mad and depressed. I'd better go to bed before I get myself all worked up in a knot

  2. #12
    heart on fire
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    Yeah, some people have taken instant dislike to me. I tend to set the Te people off the easiest. The only that bothers me about it is when they start shouting or causing me trouble in some way, getting pushy with their agenda. I hate dealing with it. Hate me quietly please!

    My husband always thinks people don't like him, they do, but they tend to think he wants nothing to do with them. They tell me this. They say "he is nice and I really like him but I don't think he wants to be friendly."

  3. #13
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wandering View Post
    Quite frankly, I'm not even sure I *want* people to understand me, not any more. Or rather, I don't want them to *know* me that well any more, because once they do, they judge me. Instead of listening to what I am telling them about myself, they look at what I do/don't do, and they criticise me for it. Since by definition the areas of myself that I take longest to disclose are the ones that I am most vulnerable in, that hurts like mad...

    Honestly, I feel like it's a game of "damned if I do, damned if I don't". If I don't reveal myself to people, they get hurt and they criticise me for not trusting them. But if I do reveal myself to them, then they get judging and they criticise me for being wrong somehow I hate it!

    This is getting me mad and depressed. I'd better go to bed before I get myself all worked up in a knot
    Awww. Sometimes I just say I hate people because like Victor pointed out it saves on time. Why not push everyone away early on so we don't have to deal them. Feelings are messy and can be icky to clean up.
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  4. #14
    Procrastinating
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    I don't mean to sound harsh Jen... you are one of the people here who helped me enormously.. don't know if you remember. But, the truth, as I see it, is maybe they don't actually. It is my sad experience that people can be extremely petty.

    1. I you don't fit their chosen stereotype for you.. they probably won't like you.

    2. If they find you more attractive, having better hair, eyes, mouth, teeth, body... on and on... they probably won't.

    3. If they perceive you as more intelligent than they think they are... they probably won't.

    4. If they perceive you as having more than they do.... they probably won't.

    5. If they perceive you as having a better personality than they have... they probably won't.

    6. If they perceive you as being happier than they are... they probably won't.

    7. If they perceive you as having "better, smarter, happier or prettier children... they probably won't.

    8 If they perceive you as being wiser than they are... they probably won't.

    9. If you're younger or older than they are or the same age but look younger... they probably won't.

    10. If they think you have a better job or do your's better than they do... they probably won't.

    11. If you happen to drive a car they've been wanting.. they probably won't.

    12. And, definitely, if you hold another ideology than they.... you're probably detestable.

    Well, that's an even dozen... I could go on... but you get it. Sometimes its not us imagining it. Sometimes we aren't the one with the problem. The number of people who actually like each other seems to be getting smaller and smaller in this competitive world we're living in and people, as a whole, seem to be taking any and eeeeverything very personally.

  5. #15
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I do the same thing you do, Jen. Honestly.

    I don't really know why I do. I think it is because I don't accept me... and so then I project that onto other people.

    I figured enough out at this point that I can use my head to keep me anchored when the anxiety and shame arises... "They were happy to see me, they seemed very open and carefree and spontaneous when we were together -- hence, authentic -- and even said good things about me, and there is nothing wrong with me that should lead them to dislike me"... but it still galls me to no end that those devastating feelings arise all the time.

    It happens in real life and online, usually if I just don't hear from people for a particular length of time. Then I start feeling like "I screwed up" somehow. But it's just me getting anxious.

    Anyway... in case you were wondering... I like you.

    EDIT: Yes, like Seanan says, even in situations where you realize someone actually DOESN'T like you... it's still not necessarily (and probably isn't) your fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    My husband always thinks people don't like him, they do, but they tend to think he wants nothing to do with them. They tell me this. They say "he is nice and I really like him but I don't think he wants to be friendly."
    I don't know anything really about your husband, Heart, but I do know this is a typical problem for introverts -- they're scared and don't know what to say, so they can come off as "nice but disinterested/cold or even snobbish"... especially to extroverts who usually don't understand right away how introverts work.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #16
    Procrastinating
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    Oooops... thanks Jennifer

    Anyway... in case you were wondering... I like you.

    Me too!

  7. #17
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    It's probably a combination of paranoia and reading people accurately (INFJs tend towards both, don't they?). Nobody's liked by everyone, or hated by everyone. Some are more well-liked than others, but most people are more or less in the middle.

  8. #18
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I do it, too. I'm aware of it and I'm working on it, but it's a conscious effort.

    FWIW, Jen, know this, do not forget this, do not doubt this: I like you.

    I vanish into myself sometimes, but my feelings are no less fond.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #19
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    You have to keep in mind that it is normal to have some people not like you. Take your idol or hero for example, you think they don't have people that don't like them? Of course they do! Does that diminish them in your eyes? No. So don't let the personal opinions of others get you down.. it's the ones that do like you that matter.

  10. #20
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Jen, why people wouldn't like you?

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