I would be Medical Officer Super-Private First Class (that became a real rank after I wrote them a letter every day for three years requesting that promotion) and everyone in my squad would leave me behind and then not realize I was gone until they stumbled upon me again months later.
And it's very important that you know that I'm a medic, not a doctor. A doctor cures people. A medic just helps them feel more comfortable... while they die.
How far did you make it into this video before you had to stop out of severe secondhand embarrassment?