Arg. I think I may have really mild frostbite on a few of my fingertips, I don't know.
Wore really good gloves when I went to my best friend's apt to use my jump-kit to try jumpstarting the dead battery to her car.
So she could give her manipulative, emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend a ride home.
I'm a little surprised at how much my blood boils when those I love are hurt by someone. Hurt me enough - you no longer exist, I feel nothing toward you. Hurt someone I love.. and everything inside me is on fire. A sustained, controlled burn.
I don't agree with her attempts at a purely physical relationship with him. She's clearly still vulnerable & beats herself up with phrases he's planted in her head over the years. I don't see purely physical as possible with this person, and I think this is fucking stupid. I've said this to her, but, she's on her own. All I can do is remind her to be careful when choosing to interact with her abuser, but never say, "I told you so," if he hurts her again. If he, y'know, breaks her property, screams in her face, preys on her insecurities & tells her she's worthless. If she lets herself believe it.
I texted her on my way over:
"Look, I'll be civil to your little fuck-buddy, because I love you & don't want to cause you needless distress. But our friendship should always maintain a certain level of candor & transparency, so I need to say this. I don't want you to ever mistake my cordiality for actual friendliness toward him, He's an emotionally manipulative, abusive & worthless human being. If you get something out of "casually" fucking him, great - but I won't pretend it's not dangerously intimate territory.. especially having him back at your place.
I know exactly what a malignant parasite he is, and it disgusts me to my core. Please don't take this as hostility toward you. I'm merely clarifying my stance, as my superficial warmth can easily look like I'm okay with him as a person. He is not okay. This situation is not okay. This is no judgement upon you, at all. I just don't want it assumed that he is deserving of respect from anyone. That includes you. I can't control what you do. Just make sure you can muster and maintain respect for yourself more than any you ever offer him. I'll be there shortly. <3"
So, I'm glad she felt she could call me when her vehicle was fucked, despite her garbage company. Despite me saying things she doesn't want to hear.
He hid in the laundry room when I was there. Fucking coward.
My jumpkit failed, as the stock battery in the car was just too old to be revived. Roadside assistance towed the car from her place to her mechanic for free.
I didn't offer to give that parasite in the laundry room a ride home. She called him a cab, as he's not welcome to sleep there at all. Surprisingly, he had his own cab fare. Good.
I do not resent helping my friend. I love her. I do not love her self destructive decisions. But I'll be there, no matter what. And I'll be blunt when I must, because she'd do the same for me.
She called me up, after, thanking me for the text and for coming by.
I'm pretty aggravated about my fingers right now. I think my Raynaud's is worsening. These gloves are extremely warm, and we weren't outside for more than ten minutes. My hands started to burn, & I couldn't get the clamps off the battery. We went inside, and as we did, they started to ache, horribly. I ran them under tepid water for a good 5 or so minutes, and they ached so badly I broke a cold sweat/felt close to vomiting or crying. That hasn't ever happened before.
They feel normal now, but the tips of my thumbs/index/middle fingers all feel like I grabbed a hot pan. Like a bad sunburn that might blister up later.
Fucking better not. I have shit to do.
My friend (& her dad showed up) was outside with fucking no gloves on and were fine beyond the typical discomforts of cold exposure.
Hoping this escalation in severity isn't related to the elevated antinuclear antibodies & other stuff that's been happening. I wish my rheumatologist appt were sooner. Trying to be optimistic about it.
Stupid friend's ex-boyfriend. Stupid vascular... disorder.. thing.
Stupid have to wake up early tomorrow.
03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!
04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy
02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack
03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.
This is what passive aggressive, criminal minded people do. They say something, something that could ONLY pertain to you. To others listening, it sounds like a generalized statement, but you know it was directed at you because it could only be about you. No mistaking that. But wen you confront that person, she says, what, I only said, dadadadada, and yet, you can see it in her eyes, that she knows what she did, what she said, and that it was directed to you, but since it was disguised in such away as too seem innocuous, you have to let it go, because she will just say, honey, I wasn't talking about you." But she was and you know she was.
Or they get professional degrees and use them to hurt people. Like this psychiatrist I went to, we had a war going on. She was a passive-aggressive woman with a professional license. I didn't take any shit from her. She knew she could diagnose me as anything she wanted to and everyone would listen to her. Passive aggressive people often do that. They make sure that they will be looked upon as a pillar of the community when they in fact have more issues than the people who, in this case, they treat. And they think they can get away with anything. The problem, mr./ms. passive aggressive, is that end the end you get exactly what you deserve.
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”
― Walter Scott, Marmion
I am so angry. I join a forum to help me, a mental health one, and I get banned within the first hour for disagreeing the major consensus I guess. I get attacked, called names, and fucking degraded on a forum that is supposed to be the exact opposite, just for stating an opinion. I didnt do anything wrong, or at least i dont think i did, but apparently you dont disagree with the forum gods about anything ever because then you are just a troll. Oh, and god forbid if they don't agree with your diagnosis- because then you are a liar as well. Oh, and no matter how much evidence you put out saying that hey guess what- im not making this up- this legitimately EXISTS, well there is always some sort of reason for them to have to be right, and for them to bring all their cheeple in to back them up. Oh hm well I dont like this country, so nothing, no article from that country is valid at all. HAHA Im right you are wrong- that doesnt exist because I the psychiatry god say so. I disagree, so nope nope nope you are not valid because I have to win. AND GUESS WHAT, now you are banned! God, maybe I just shouldnt post anywhere if I am so goddam awful I cant even realize that I am that bad. I mean getting kicked out of a mental health forum for writing something mental health related, fuck. Maybe I dont understand anything. The elephant in the room I guess. And I dont know if it was them or me. Oh and you cant alk about anything distressing because it is supposed to be all about positivity. Seriously, then go to the fucking salon or something, sorry I ruined the 'atmosphere' or whatever. God im mad
I got 3 warnings in under an hour for nothing! You would think on a psych forum they would know how to handle discourse or debate or discussion but noooooo god forbid you dont agree and ruin the atmosphere or something. 3 WARNINGS in under an hour, maybe should have been a sign to stop. But stop WHAT!
Once again my Dad doesn't realize he's kindve a glutton and a douche when drunk.
He and I went grocery shopping a week and a half ago and got deli meats. He had me grab a pack of bread that I wanted and got healthier wraps for himself. First night he got drunk and made like five sandwiches, and two more the next day - killing all of my bread, and all of the ham / almost all of the bologna.
I bought two more packs of bread for the house a few days later: he killed the majority of both as of yesterday, and the rest of the deli meat apart from salami earlier in the week.
Boyfriend bought ham and provolone Friday so he could make sandwiches for himself for work - Dad dips into both without asking while we were out. Goes to dip into them again a little while ago and I say a little stern "hey don't dip into his stuff, (and joshingly) he hasn't had any of the ham in two weeks" and he gets all pissed off at me because he's already started drinking again after his prior drunk-nap. Then gets all "just label your stuff man.... I'll be sure to make my own private stash.." Etc.
like my boyfriend just wants a fuckin CHANCE at a sandwich for work, but can't even get the chance at it when all the deli meat keeps getting housed by drunky mcsorebutt in a day or two.
My dad is the type of person who will always replace whatever if it's gone and I will never fault him on that, but the fact is my boyfriend has been trying to get at *a* sandwich for two weeks lol bought stuff himself so that he could and then was almost jipped AGAIN.
& then we get made to feel like assholes. Because drunk. & im sure I'll hear about it in the morning, when he thinks he's right and thinks we were being jerks about it.
Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man
That's ridiculous and it's sadly the state of a lot of people right now. More than ever, it seems people like to gang up and not discuss or think in a mature and healthy manner.
Also, it's a lot of hive mind mentality. I actually see a lot of the hive mind on ENFJ on Facebook, and it ends up being a lot of people who think they are being well meaning ending up being really nasty as a group to those who don't agree or don't have harmony-hands and unicorn-feels. It happens in a lot of different groups of people for a lot of different reasons. Some people feel that misery loves company, so anything that may oppose their sense of comfort is immediately unacceptable.
You're better off out of there, and better off finding wherever it is that doesn't drag each other down to feel safe.
Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man
[we interrupt this program for some INFP e4 shadow melodrama]
I can't trust anyone. I will never be able to trust anyone. My life will consist of cycles of year-long friendships with no deep connection or sense of emotional safety. Because everyone is untrustworthy and everyone will disappoint me somehow.
Screw all of this. I hate humanity. I wish I could be happy alone.
[/melodrama][/don't worry I'll be less sensitive in the morning]
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