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Thread: The Rant Thread

  1. #5621
    came back haunted Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eilonwy View Post
    So, tough question here. How is your choice of how to address a difficult subject (waiting until a similar moment and doing what? being just as passive-aggressive?) any more grown-up than hers was?
    It's been my usual method in other situations because I don't have to mention previous instances -- which would involve bringing up my feelings. Waiting for another instance would just mean saying, for example, "Would you mind turning your volume down a bit? I have an early morning tomorrow and am trying to sleep." Which involves only facts, and no feelings.

    In this case, if I waited, I'd do what I did this time -- digging right through the passive-aggression and problem-solving with her -- but then following up with: "Next time I do something in the house that bothers you, would you mind letting me know as it happens? I don't want you to end up feeling resentful. I know you don't like confrontation, but I swear you won't offend me." Or, alternately, I could ask her if there's anything else I'm doing that bothers her. So my behavior would be showing her that I can handle roommate-issue-related "real talk".
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do
    you?

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw or gryffindor (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
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    want to ask me something? go for it!

  2. #5622
    Junior Member Array pinkdevil's Avatar
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    I don't want to sound like someone who expects something in return. BUT seriously, before the accident, I would always go and fetch people and I would offer them rides to their destinations, and yeah, they also get free weed from me, and... now that I don't have a car, no one texts me anymore and everyone's just so busy. I was busy before but I made time for each one of my friends. And now. poof! I'm okay with it though. at least I know who to spend my time with next time I'm back to shape. (Probably next year)
    Crazy is relative.
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  3. #5623
    Vulnerability Array Eilonwy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    It's been my usual method in other situations because I don't have to mention previous instances -- which would involve bringing up my feelings. Waiting for another instance would just mean saying, for example, "Would you mind turning your volume down a bit? I have an early morning tomorrow and am trying to sleep." Which involves only facts, and no feelings.
    So, accommodating your need to not have to deal with inferior Fi? Because you wouldn't want to have to show that you're vulnerable when it comes to feelings?

    In this case, if I waited, I'd do what I did this time -- digging right through the passive-aggression and problem-solving with her -- but then following up with: "Next time I do something in the house that bothers you, would you mind letting me know as it happens? I don't want you to end up feeling resentful. I know you don't like confrontation, but I swear you won't offend me." Or, alternately, I could ask her if there's anything else I'm doing that bothers her. So my behavior would be showing her that I can handle roommate-issue-related "real talk".
    So, you've determined what role she plays in the dynamic from your point of view, but what is your part in the dynamic? You know she doesn't like confrontation, so she tries to control your interaction by being "nice". But how are you trying to control the interaction so that you feel safe? How does that effect the dynamic between the two of you?

    No need to answer if this is too personal. These have been important questions for me to think about in trying to become more mature in my interactions and I thought they might be helpful to you, too.

    ETA: Just wanted to say that being vulnerable is frightening and difficult. I fail at it often because it gets too scary. Don't be too hard on yourself.
    Johari / Nohari

    “That we are capable only of being what we are remains our unforgivable sin.” ― Gene Wolfe

    reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

  4. #5624
    came back haunted Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eilonwy View Post
    So, accommodating your need to not have to deal with inferior Fi? Because you wouldn't want to have to show that you're vulnerable when it comes to feelings?
    Sort of. It's more that if I let myself express my feelings in this situation -- and in similar situations with people who repeatedly do things that drive me crazy -- I might not be able to control those feelings. I might end up being petty or passive-aggressive (or aggressive-aggressive). Which would be counterproductive, especially with someone who is nonconfrontational and therefore needs some degree of reassurance when confronted. (Note in my earlier post, how I make a point of telling her that I won't be offended if she opens up conversations with me about these things.)

    Honestly, the only difference between my plan and @Red Herring's plan is timing. And a lot of why I'd rather do it in a similar situation, is because if I bring it up at literally any other time, I am guaranteed to make the moment more awkward and unpleasant. I know from experience that it sucks to be called out on something from completely out of nowhere. I'm not sure if anyone's ever done that to me in a way that I DIDN'T find awkward or unpleasant, so I have nothing to model that on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eilonwy View Post
    So, you've determined what role she plays in the dynamic from your point of view, but what is your part in the dynamic? You know she doesn't like confrontation, so she tries to control your interaction by being "nice". But how are you trying to control the interaction so that you feel safe? How does that effect the dynamic between the two of you?

    No need to answer if this is too personal. These have been important questions for me to think about in trying to become more mature in my interactions and I thought they might be helpful to you, too.
    I don't know if it's too personal, but it seems besides the point. She's only been living in the house for a few months. I'm being friendly with her, we're starting to find common ground, we've begun to share things with each other about our lives. I'm wary of her, obviously, because we don't necessarily "click" very well, and she is so incredibly black-and-white on so many issues -- "my way or the highway". But at the same time, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. So when it comes to "my role" as it complements "her role", it's too soon to tell.
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do
    you?

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw or gryffindor (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  5. #5625
    Senior Member Array Rico's Avatar
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    I'm supposedly an ESTP, but the more I look into Je+Pi [ENxJ], the more relevant it seems to me. Being nineteen confuses things even more, because most teenagers are going to have an xxxP attitude, regardless of functional order.

  6. #5626
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    Don't clip your fucking fingernails on a public bus. It's gross. So is hawking up phlegm. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

  7. #5627
    hey ma! got a tatoo Array prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    Don't clip your fucking fingernails on a public bus. It's gross. So is hawking up phlegm. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
    *sits in front of you picks nose, hawks up loogies, and clips toe nails*
    by @magpie

  8. #5628
    Be Concerned - TØP Array themightyfetus's Avatar
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    If someone tells you that they don't want to be touched, then don't touch them. I don't see what's so hard to understand about that.
    I don't mean to pry, but why would you even make the eyes?


    6w7-2w3-9w1
    Likes Yamato Nadeshiko, EJCC, Hard liked this post

  9. #5629
    Oɴᴇ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ Array Yamato Nadeshiko's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by themightyfetus View Post
    If someone tells you that they don't want to be touched, then don't touch them. I don't see what's so hard to understand about that.
    Anyone who responds to "please don't touch me" by rubbing their hands all over you needs to be as far removed from your current location 100% immediately


    knowing what makes us happy
    is sometimes the hardest thing to do
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  10. #5630
    across the universe Array Olm the Water King's Avatar
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    I can't believe that what I'm living is my life.

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