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  1. #1
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
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    Exclamation Advice needed from other married/LTR women!

    I have a confrontation brewing and I need to know if I am being unreasonable in all honesty. I'd also like to know the most direct, mature and clear-cut way of resolving this situation. I know what I'd like to do!!


    Scenario:
    There is a lady I know from a social group who also happened to move in next door to me. She is mentally unstable, takes lots of meds and everyone knows it. She likes to pick men who will take care of her and cannot keep a job. Her current man is getting fed up with her. In our social group she has been going to all of the other single, lonely guys and flirting hard. I could care less about that. She is not bad looking really and if you were to only talk to her for less then 3 minutes you wouldn't know anything was wrong upstairs! She keeps saying though she wants to be friends with me for some reason.

    Anyway here is the rub. A couple of weeks ago my husband answered the door while I was gone and there she was wanting to talk to him about something trivial. I was recently on a trip to KS (several states away) and she came on my back porch yet again to offer her sympathy to him. He said she was standing in the rain looking all sad and looking behind him into the house. After that I was gone to work yet another evening and she came over to our house again claiming to want to talk to me! My garage is open and (from your own back door even) you can very clearly see if my vehicle is there or not! She doesn't come over when I am actually here.

    Here's what is bothering me. Hanover didn't let her in. He keeps telling me not to worry about it and that I don't NEED to do anything. He says he's got it and she will catch on soon enough. If he had let her in she would have twisted it all over my social group like she did to someone else who was nice to her! I'm glad he had the smarts for that! Anyway I've got this pretty solid standing principle....you don't go to a married/boyfriends house repeatedly when the wife/girlfriend is not home!!! I really, really, really, really, really want to say something. I'm kind of afraid to in way though as I've got a temper upon occasion! Please tell me what you would do and if I am being loony or too possessive or not seeing something!! Thanks!
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

  2. #2
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    I'm not in a relationship, but she's crossing a line, yes. Nicely alert her to this fact.

    Clearly and concisely state that you are not comfortable with the theory of any opposite-gendered person regularly visiting the neighbour when the same-gendered spouse is away. State that you would not do this to another person because it is simply inappropriate behavior. Don't let her twist it to make it appear that your relationship is rocky and "too weak to handle something so insignificant...". It's inappropriate behavior. Period. Don't say too much, just make that clear in the generalized way.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  3. #3
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    That's a hard one. It's really easy for her to turn things around on you if you confront her and attempt to make you out as insecure, etc which, if you are anything like me, would make me want to lose my cool. Doing that might make her think you are vulnerable and encourage her all the more.

    If you could tell her that you have a some kind of family policy about any women coming over while you aren't home, "Nothing against you blah blah blah, there's just so much stupid stuff that happens and you'd hate for there to be any kind of misunderstanding blah blah blah can't be too careful nowadays thankyouandhaveaniceday, bitch" sort of like a liability thing, I don't know.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I have a confrontation brewing and I need to know if I am being unreasonable in all honesty. I'd also like to know the most direct, mature and clear-cut way of resolving this situation. I know what I'd like to do!!

    Here's what is bothering me. Hanover didn't let her in. He keeps telling me not to worry about it and that I don't NEED to do anything. He says he's got it and she will catch on soon enough. If he had let her in she would have twisted it all over my social group like she did to someone else who was nice to her! I'm glad he had the smarts for that! Anyway I've got this pretty solid standing principle....you don't go to a married/boyfriends house repeatedly when the wife/girlfriend is not home!!! I really, really, really, really, really want to say something. I'm kind of afraid to in way though as I've got a temper upon occasion! Please tell me what you would do and if I am being loony or too possessive or not seeing something!! Thanks!
    I don't think you're being unreasonable considering the whole scenario. Personally, I would just let my husband/partner handle it, since he says he has things under control. On the other hand, if you are really annoyed, just tell her directly that you don't appreciate when she comes over while you are out and that you'd like her to stop. In short, if it is bothering you, by all means tell her that.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
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    I told Hanover (as many of you know an ISTP) that it isn't about not trusting him because I do. He says he understands that and also understands the principle. He just told me to be careful because she could say the wrong thing! I just don't want her to think he wasn't telling me this whole time about her "visits". I feel that if I don't acknowledge it she will think that.... evidenced in my mind by her doing it more then once. The second time when I was away though I for sure wasn't ready to deal with it. I guess that I really am insecure. I take it as disrespect on female-to-female ground more then worry about him at all. I don't want him to think that and I'm worried about that too. I'm glad a couple of other NJs have a clear head about them. I didn't think I was missing anything but wasn't sure. What I have to say at this point though, if stated the way my mind says say it, would be exceptionally emotionally charged! (Thanks Ladies!) I think I need to not be so worked up about it before I do it.
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I told Hanover (as many of you know an ISTP) that it isn't about not trusting him because I do. He says he understands that and also understands the principle. He just told me to be careful because she could say the wrong thing! I just don't want her to think he wasn't telling me this whole time about her "visits". I feel that if I don't acknowledge it she will think that.... evidenced in my mind by her doing it more then once. The second time when I was away though I for sure wasn't ready to deal with it. I guess that I really am insecure. I take it as disrespect on female-to-female ground more then worry about him at all. I don't want him to think that and I'm worried about that too. I'm glad a couple of other NJs have a clear head about them. I didn't think I was missing anything but wasn't sure. What I have to say at this point though, if stated the way my mind says say it, wouldn't be concise and exceptionally emotionally charged!
    You're not being unreasonable; she is really crossing a line. However, what you need to communicate to her is very simple and would solve your situation. Adding the emotionally charged part would just create more problems for you.

  7. #7
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I told Hanover (as many of you know an ISTP) that it isn't about not trusting him because I do. He says he understands that and also understands the principle. He just told me to be careful because she could say the wrong thing! I just don't want her to think he wasn't telling me this whole time about her "visits". I feel that if I don't acknowledge it she will think that.... evidenced in my mind by her doing it more then once. The second time when I was away though I for sure wasn't ready to deal with it. I guess that I really am insecure. I take it as disrespect on female-to-female ground more then worry about him at all. I don't want him to think that and I'm worried about that too. I'm glad a couple of other NJs have a clear head about them. I didn't think I was missing anything but wasn't sure. What I have to say at this point though, if stated the way my mind says say it, wouldn't be concise and exceptionally emotionally charged!
    Of course. It's a huge breach of girl etiquette and she knows it. It doesn't have anything to do with the man and whether or not he would fall for it. It's just plain bad manners, but she doesn't care or might actually enjoy causing trouble. She's obviously done this to other couples, so she will have ammo of some kind unless you approach her in a way she isn't expecting.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
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    Yes!! The thing is that she brags on how she can manipulate men. I am friends with the guy who she is with now. I watched the whole thing go down from the moment the two met as I was there. Anyway she told Hanover: "I want to be friends with J but for SOME reason she doesn't like me *pout*". I agree Eve I should say it simply and calmly. It's very hard to do when you live next door, have dwelt on it since two days ago (the last visit) and you feel some Jerry Springer drama approaching with a quickness. I'm guessing Cafe you mean surprising her by being nice about it?
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    Yes!! The thing is that she brags on how she can manipulate men. I am friends with the guy who she is with now. I watched the whole thing go down from the moment the two met as I was there. Anyway she told Hanover: "I want to be friends with J but for SOME reason she doesn't like me *pout*". I agree Eve I should say it simply and calmly. It's very hard to do when you live next door, have dwelt on it since two days ago (the last visit) and you feel some Jerry Springer drama approaching with a quickness. I'm guessing Cafe you mean surprising her by being nice about it?
    Not so much nice as calm and civil. She wants a reaction so she can make you out to be the villain. You want to let her know you are onto her without giving her that reaction, if possible.

    You deal with the public and with employees. She has never dealt with the likes of you, I'm betting. I would put good money on your being able to put her in her place with so much class that she will be flat on her rear wondering what hit her and what to do now. I only wish you could post it on Youtube for my entertainment.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cafe
    I would put good money on your being able to put her in her place with so much class that she will be flat on her rear wondering what hit her and what to do now. I only wish you could post it on Youtube for my entertainment.
    You said the C word *sigh*. With a vote of confidence like that I guess that means it's time for me to get creative .
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

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