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  1. #11
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I told Hanover (as many of you know an ISTP) that it isn't about not trusting him because I do. He says he understands that and also understands the principle. He just told me to be careful because she could say the wrong thing! I just don't want her to think he wasn't telling me this whole time about her "visits". I feel that if I don't acknowledge it she will think that.... evidenced in my mind by her doing it more then once. The second time when I was away though I for sure wasn't ready to deal with it. I guess that I really am insecure. I take it as disrespect on female-to-female ground more then worry about him at all. I don't want him to think that and I'm worried about that too. I'm glad a couple of other NJs have a clear head about them. I didn't think I was missing anything but wasn't sure. What I have to say at this point though, if stated the way my mind says say it, would be exceptionally emotionally charged! (Thanks Ladies!) I think I need to not be so worked up about it before I do it.
    I would feel (and have felt) the same as you. Minimizing contact is important, and Hanover may need to very clearly make himself unavailable, even being a little rude, although i realize most men don't like getting involved with this stuff. If that is not an option then perhaps you could tell her that Hanover mentioned that she has come over looking for you and he values his privacy, so she should call your cell phone directly rather than showing up randomly when you are clearly not home. I might even put a little edge on it like that. Maybe give her resources for a hotline, therapist, or another person who would be available to talk to her. I know there is the concern about her talking, but my assumption from reading is that the degree to which she will spread negative comments is equally proportioned to the amount of involvement a person has with her. (It often pans out that way sooner or later with unstable, selfish people.)

    It sounds like she is looking for validation at any cost to others in every possible direction she can find it. Having a neighbor like that is one of my worst nightmares. Sometimes such women are more inclined to compete with the more beautiful women. If they can get the attention of a man away from a more remarkable woman, then they have a better prize. Just knowing how high your emotional intelligence is, I have every confidence that you know exactly what is going on.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    You said the C word *sigh*. With a vote of confidence like that I guess that means it's time for me to get creative .
    If she doesn't take a hint, let me know and I'll try to come help you slit her tires.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Not so much nice as calm and civil. She wants a reaction so she can make you out to be the villain. You want to let her know you are onto her without giving her that reaction, if possible.

    You deal with the public and with employees. She has never dealt with the likes of you, I'm betting. I would put good money on your being able to put her in her place with so much class that she will be flat on her rear wondering what hit her and what to do now. I only wish you could post it on Youtube for my entertainment.
    +1 to keep in mind.

    use your ENFJ skillz to turn into an INTJ Seriously. I have sketched you out a concrete plan.

    Use an internal knife to cut the messenger cord between your emotions and your thoughts. Morph into INTJ mode; practice before in your head

    1. Do it clearly & concisely, so there's no mind games (she thrives on the games... even though you could outdo her, best to just shut her down from the root)

    2. You need to do this with a facial expression devoid of emotional insecurity/jealousness/anger and the like

    3. For the 90% of your communication that will be body language etc., I suggest a cross between a smartass "i'm honored to be imparting a life lesson unto thee" facial expression and a simple, straightforward communicational tone. Manage pure INTJ pwningness and confidence, and I think you'll nip this at the root.
    Become a female INTJ who has truly cut the cord between feelings and thoughts. (Who did I steal this from on the boards?) This doesn't mean that you don't have feelings about this issue, but that they are distinctly separated from your thoughts in the issue.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  4. #14
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Toonia
    It sounds like she is looking for validation at any cost to others in every possible direction she can find it. Having a neighbor like that is one of my worst nightmares. Sometimes such women are more inclined to compete with the more beautiful women. If they can get the attention of a man away from a more remarkable woman, then they have a better prize. Just knowing how high your emotional intelligence is, I have every confidence that you know exactly what is going on.
    Wow, thanks Toonia! You just called to mind something she said to me out of the blue a few weeks ago. I tried to figure it out but knowing she is a 'little out there' I didn't invest considerable thought into it. She said "you are so young and pretty and everyone just loves you" through gritted teeth almost and a squint. She turned around however and was telling everyone how she was getting past her prime but she still had it or something like that. Anyway she is my next door neighbor now, not much I can do about it....maybe!

    Quote Originally Posted by Usehername
    I have sketched you out a concrete plan.

    Use an internal knife to cut the messenger cord between your emotions and your thoughts. Morph into INTJ mode; practice before in your head

    1. Do it clearly & concisely, so there's no mind games (she thrives on the games... even though you could outdo her, best to just shut her down from the root)

    2. You need to do this with a facial expression devoid of emotional insecurity/jealousness/anger and the like

    3. For the 90% of your communication that will be body language etc., I suggest a cross between a smartass "i'm honored to be imparting a life lesson unto thee" facial expression and a simple, straightforward communicational tone. Manage pure INTJ pwningness and confidence, and I think you'll nip this at the root.
    Become a female INTJ who has truly cut the cord between feelings and thoughts.
    How the heck is that a 'concrete plan' ? I am able to cut the cord usually at work and during business even dealing with morons. I can do it interpersonally sometimes too. My back-up plan is to find a way to blame myself-a weakness of mine. It's when I feel like I have a real right to be angry, there is no way to blame myself, and someone is trying to get to me that I lose rationality. I must say though the imparting a life lesson mentality may work beautifully for me. I only have one real insecurity that has all to do with me. This woman is Hanovers age. I've always been fearful that he will someday want to be with someone in his age bracket. He tells me it's not that way and I believe him for the most part. I won't let that show! I will work on cutting the cord in other areas, not just this situation. I've tried it before. I think I can have some INTJ ruthlessness if necessity calls for it too. She does thrive on games and I didn't ask to play.
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

  5. #15
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    * listening avidly and writing all this down for future use *

    ... is it really okay to slit her tires...?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    ... is it really okay to slit her tires...?
    No, it's a crime, and it's far too impersonal. There are unethical but legal ways of vengeful recompense.

    If you feel the need to confront her, please do so amongst the group so she cannot misrepresent you or your words. That kind thrives on the secrecy in order to lie and twist things.

    As for your husband, he would be better off telling her that you are not home, will be home around xx:xx and in the mean time, have a good day. Close the door. If he talks to her, she will think in her weak-minded ventures, that she has a chance of manipulating so long as her foot can still remain in the proverbial door. If he refuses to speak with her alone, she will have to resign herself to other mischief-making. It's not about him, but about how she perceives the situation. Shatter her perceptions, and you've sent her into a tailspin back to therapy.

    ***Not an LTR/Married Woman. Just an ltr-oriented guy who likes guys throwing my two cents in.
    Last edited by Eternue-MDL; 11-06-2007 at 12:56 AM. Reason: ***

  7. #17
    It's always something... PuddleRiver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eve View Post
    You're not being unreasonable; she is really crossing a line. However, what you need to communicate to her is very simple and would solve your situation. Adding the emotionally charged part would just create more problems for you.
    Yes, and possibly make her the 'victim'. You definitely don't want that. If she's like what comes across to me, she'd love that. Then she might be over at the house all the time trying to 'fix' the misunderstanding with your hubby. lol. And it'd be all YOUR fault for being so 'sensitive'.


    Edit: Whoops, cafe's covered it already.
    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay one invincible summer."
    ~~~~
    A Christian's life may be the only Bible some people ever read.
    ~~~~
    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou.
    ~~~~
    I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" Gandhi
    ~~~~

  8. #18
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    If I were in your shoes, I'd demonstrate the security of my relationship by... doing nothing! To my mind, confronting her reveals what you say you do not want to reveal:

    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I've always been fearful that he will someday want to be with someone in his age bracket. He tells me it's not that way and I believe him for the most part. I won't let that show!
    I don't buy that it's between you and her:

    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I just don't want her to think he wasn't telling me this whole time about her "visits". I feel that if I don't acknowledge it she will think that.... evidenced in my mind by her doing it more then once.
    Aside from my disagreeing with the bolded part, why should you care what she thinks? If you really did feel secure with your husband, you could join him in pitying her and perhaps share a laugh at her expense to compensate for the diplomatic effort she's eliciting from him. That way, the episode would actually cement your relationship because it would maximize the contrast between your neighbor's basket case antics and your sane serenity.

    I worry this woman could end up damaging your relationship indirectly - that is, not by offering a temptation to your husband, but by bringing out your insecurities. I see two problems in confronting her: 1) You're showing your husband that you do not trust him (even though you say you do - after all, actions speak louder than words). 2) Once you've revealed that she's getting to you, my guess is that she will only up the ante, and if so, then your husband will be annoyed with you for stirring up more trouble and making it more awkward for him when he was already on top of the situation (so to speak ). By confronting her, you're thus shooting yourself in the foot with your husband in at least one way and potentially in two ways.

    Btw, this is six years of relationship bliss talking - and yes, we have dealt with similar situations, and no, I am not a robot. (Though maybe I'm really a man. )
    Last edited by Economica; 11-06-2007 at 09:53 AM. Reason: Tightened the first quote

  9. #19
    Senior Member wildcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lookin4theBestNU View Post
    I have a confrontation brewing and I need to know if I am being unreasonable in all honesty. I'd also like to know the most direct, mature and clear-cut way of resolving this situation. I know what I'd like to do!!


    Scenario:
    There is a lady I know from a social group who also happened to move in next door to me. She is mentally unstable, takes lots of meds and everyone knows it. She likes to pick men who will take care of her and cannot keep a job. Her current man is getting fed up with her. In our social group she has been going to all of the other single, lonely guys and flirting hard. I could care less about that. She is not bad looking really and if you were to only talk to her for less then 3 minutes you wouldn't know anything was wrong upstairs! She keeps saying though she wants to be friends with me for some reason.

    Anyway here is the rub. A couple of weeks ago my husband answered the door while I was gone and there she was wanting to talk to him about something trivial. I was recently on a trip to KS (several states away) and she came on my back porch yet again to offer her sympathy to him. He said she was standing in the rain looking all sad and looking behind him into the house. After that I was gone to work yet another evening and she came over to our house again claiming to want to talk to me! My garage is open and (from your own back door even) you can very clearly see if my vehicle is there or not! She doesn't come over when I am actually here.

    Here's what is bothering me. Hanover didn't let her in. He keeps telling me not to worry about it and that I don't NEED to do anything. He says he's got it and she will catch on soon enough. If he had let her in she would have twisted it all over my social group like she did to someone else who was nice to her! I'm glad he had the smarts for that! Anyway I've got this pretty solid standing principle....you don't go to a married/boyfriends house repeatedly when the wife/girlfriend is not home!!! I really, really, really, really, really want to say something. I'm kind of afraid to in way though as I've got a temper upon occasion! Please tell me what you would do and if I am being loony or too possessive or not seeing something!! Thanks!
    She is just lonely.

    Do not bother. There is nothing to it.

  10. #20
    homo-loving sonovagun anii's Avatar
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    Doesn't your front/back/whatever door have a peephole?

    Can't you ask your husband - who seems to be onto her too - to just not answer the door when it's her come a knocking?

    Just because I'm home when the phone rings doesn't mean I'm required to answer it. Same goes for the doorbell IMO.

    PS - You don't owe her an explanation either IMO. If you don't want a relationship with her anyway, then who cares what she thinks of your "closed door" policy? Right?

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