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  1. #81
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    What's your definition of love, pain, anger and sadness?
    Do you have a belief, are you faithless or faithful?
    What kind of music and film do you enjoy?

    Oh and on a tipping scale are INFP's more or less adjusted or maladjusted than other personalities. Depending, would an INFPs sensitivity get in the way of decision making?

    haha I'm asking too much, go me.

    you know the versatility of the so you wanna ask a xxxx should have a subsection rather than relegated to fluff for the opportunity to examine the essence of what makes the structure of forum dwellers the forum dwellers that make up the forum that is.

    or else peruse through the development of what each personality wishes to impart through q & a for all you can eat buffet. wait a sec, why is this taking off more than a blog, well because its less impersonal, oh really, well actually its asking direct questions rather than updating blogs when the mood strikes ones fancy.

    so yes an efficient determiner in the interactivity of person and other forum dwellers.

  2. #82
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhapsody View Post
    It's closest to option #2 (loss of initial compelling attraction). I get infatuated really easily, but the infatuation dies just as easily ... and not even after getting into a relationship, but by the second or third date. I guess another way of putting it is that romantic feelings and "the chase" are, for whatever reason, inextricable for me. Once I realize a relationship with a person is actually possible, my feelings never deepen, they just vanish.
    I love the chase too ... am married so of course that doesn't apply anymore, but the feeling of being pursued, or of pursuing, is very compelling...

    First of all I wouldn't worry about this very much unless you have discovered it to be a long term trend for you. I would just chalk it up to a chemical reaction that doesn't have enough power to sustain itself. A huge initial sexual attraction will sustain for much longer than two or three dates, enough time to really "pair-bond".

    BUT - that being said, if you have been dating for a few years, and have had no significant long-term relationship during this time, and this happens all the time when you meet someone, I would take a different tangent in my approach. In this case, you may have an addiction. An addiction to the electric energy associated with the heady feeling of infatuation towards finding the Perfect Mate. I have bad news; no one is perfect. And I know you know this, but you haven't really accepted this. Perhaps you put people up on a pedestal, and then when they turn out to be mere mortals after all, the magic is gone. Like any addiction, you need to wean yourself gradually from how good this particular one makes you feel. In fact, some of your self-esteem likely rides on it.

    "Love & romance" are different than the "sexual mating" chase. You will need to learn how to define the attraction you feel for others into the two distinct areas that they indeed are. When you say the feelings "vanish" do you mean the sexual feelings? Do you still like this guy as a person? Or do you mean the guy just seems like a total jerk to you once you can have him?

    Expand on this question and let's take it further ...

  3. #83
    Senior Member Rhapsody's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    BUT - that being said, if you have been dating for a few years, and have had no significant long-term relationship during this time, and this happens all the time when you meet someone, I would take a different tangent in my approach. In this case, you may have an addiction. An addiction to the electric energy associated with the heady feeling of infatuation towards finding the Perfect Mate. I have bad news; no one is perfect. And I know you know this, but you haven't really accepted this. Perhaps you put people up on a pedestal, and then when they turn out to be mere mortals after all, the magic is gone. Like any addiction, you need to wean yourself gradually from how good this particular one makes you feel. In fact, some of your self-esteem likely rides on it.
    I think this paragraph pretty much nailed it (and the first sentence is an eerily accurate description of my dating life ). I'll say more later, but I have to run at the moment, so I'll just answer your other question for now ...

    When you say the feelings "vanish" do you mean the sexual feelings? Do you still like this guy as a person? Or do you mean the guy just seems like a total jerk to you once you can have him?
    It's only the sexual feelings. I always still like the guy as a person, but just end up feeling like I'd rather stick to being friends.

  4. #84
    Senior Member laughingebony's Avatar
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    PeaceBaby, since you seem to be omniscient, I figured this would be as good of a place to ask this as any.

    Could you offer me some advice on pulling myself out of an existential depression?

    On shedding my self-consciousness?

  5. #85
    Senior Member Rhapsody's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    BUT - that being said, if you have been dating for a few years, and have had no significant long-term relationship during this time, and this happens all the time when you meet someone, I would take a different tangent in my approach. In this case, you may have an addiction. An addiction to the electric energy associated with the heady feeling of infatuation towards finding the Perfect Mate. I have bad news; no one is perfect. And I know you know this, but you haven't really accepted this. Perhaps you put people up on a pedestal, and then when they turn out to be mere mortals after all, the magic is gone. Like any addiction, you need to wean yourself gradually from how good this particular one makes you feel. In fact, some of your self-esteem likely rides on it.
    Ok, now I don't remember what I was going to elaborate on here! I probably don't need to anyway, since as laughingebony said, you seem to be omniscient. But yeah, the addiction thing sounds accurate, although I never thought to look at it like that before. I do tend to get a high off of being obsessed with things. Usually those "things" are ideas, books, music, etc., and so it's harmless, but for some reason I've got it in my head that love should feel the same way, or should fill the same emotional niche or ... something.

    The self-esteem thing probably has something to do with it, too ... like if I find the ideal mate then my own self-worth is validated (although I'm not sure if that's how you meant it). Hmm ... this has given me a lot to think about!

  6. #86
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    A friend once told me that the best revenge is living well.
    Well said. Thank you Miss Marmalade.

    I don't recommend rebound relationships. Lots of people do that - I've done it before - and it feels easy, but I think it just messes you up more if you go from person to person to person.
    I couldn't agree more. Rebounds - overrated.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Hi Ergophobe,

    I don't sense that you are devastated by this break-up. But the ending of this relationship has left you feeling insecure, shaken even. And I don't know why I am getting this vibe but I sense you may have behaved in a manner that's less than your ideal image of yourself in the process of "breaking-up". And you are left less confident in these matters of the heart, a place where you generally feel good about yourself. (That's just pure speculation on my part, so please correct me if I am wrong.)
    Yes, very much, on the shaken and the bolded part. I am not remorseful of bad behavior on my part. I did, however, open myself to this person and made myself vulnerable. Now that things ended less than ideally, I feel embarrassed for having displayed that vulnerability.

    The solution regardless: feel your feelings. I cannot recommend it enough. You can't help but feel them anyway, so you may as well revel in them even. Go through a brief period of mourning, have a little funeral as it were for this relationship gone so wrong somehow. Heal any open wounds by offering apologies and forgiveness. And move on. Don't wallow. Personally I write and I find it very cleansing too. I've recommended this already in thread, but ground yourself in the real world for a bit. Bubble baths, sunrises, sunsets, no books (they are only an escape.) Reconnect with a couple of old friends. Do some real tangible stuff to elevate your sprits.
    Thank you, I have and will continue following the good advice. Writing does help usually - it's been a while since I did. SO true on the books (you really are omniscient). I have been using them as an escape.

    Have you ever noticed that? When you are angry there is no room for love, no room even for fear. There's just anger. And it leaves a bitter taste, and little I have ever done that was borne of anger bore any productive fruit. If you have been wronged, feel righteously and justifiably hurt, dismayed, confused, but use those feelings to spur you to work on healing and bettering yourself in the future. If you have done wrong, offer healing and apologies; mend fences. But don't just be angry. It will simply leave you empty.
    Yes Yoda. Filled with confusion and hurt, I was. I turned into an emotionally unavailable person. I will try to feel all of these emotions that come and look forward also to be able to let them go.

    The hardest part has been making peace with the part I played myself. Being an Nf, I can't help but take responsibility for what I now see as my own poor judgment.

    Thank you for your thoughtful advice,
    Ergophobe
    Last edited by ergophobe; 06-13-2009 at 03:12 PM.

  7. #87
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Now you're all embarassing me! Omniscient, no. Yoda, no. I do enjoy stretching out this part of myself, that I don't get to use everyday (out loud at least.)

    Ergophobe, don't be hard on yourself. You offered a gift and it was returned to you. So don't feel bad for sharing, for being yourself in the first place; the only way to find that life partner is to hold out your hand and try after all.

    Rhapsody, I too am obsessed with the new (it just doesn't happen to include men!) I love new ideas, toys, tools, music. I think a cool thing about that is that it helps keep one young. But if you want to find a life partner, my advice is to just try to dissociate that heady infatuation from the actual process of getting to know each other. Maybe make a list of all the qualities you want to find in your man and then, once date two or three are over, and some of that sexy novelty is wearing off, start assessing whether he really fits those other parameters. And I don't know how early in the dating game you explore the sexuality of the relationship, but maybe you want to try holding off on that for weeks even ... just a thought?

    And a word of reassurance - I've been married 20 years and the chemistry is still good. Mmmmmm.

  8. #88
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Decline View Post
    Why do you absorb and understand all the emotions that I produce, yet could never possibly comprehend?
    Think of it like radio signals. You can't see them but they are there. You're sending out an emotional broadcast, and this broadcast can carry information for the right receiver, even though sometimes the message is received in a foreign language. Meaning, sometimes I sense or feel stuff that I can't decipher unless I ask questions.

    So you produce emotions, like everyone, and to some people, they are as receivable as the stations on the radio. And my radio is always turned ON, believe it or not - I can make the sound quieter, and even ignore it, but I feel like I am "receiving" most of the time.

    I occasionally wonder what signals I am sending out LOL!

    Why are we "made" like this? I don't know. But I do believe that we are all constructed uniquely because we all serve some special purpose. And in life we are drawn to others that help us learn about not only the world but about ourselves.

    So I would say it is not for you to worry about; it is for you to seek the places and faces that will help you learn about you.

  9. #89
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Thanks for your questions, Synapse.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    What's your definition of love, pain, anger and sadness?
    This will sound like I am avoiding the question maybe, but let me equate them them to the physical realm (in no particular order):

    Love = chocolate after a day of thinking too much. Balm of the soul.
    Love = my grown children still wanting a hug from their mama.
    Love = the scent of cotton sheets dried on the line when you tuck in at night with your hunny.

    Pain = walking down my gravel driveway without shoes.
    Pain = a harsh word, received without warning.

    Anger = the clarity and sharpness of a crystal vase, with equal fragility.
    Anger = heading into the public washroom and choosing a stall with no paper. That would work as a definition for other words as well ...

    Sadness = thinking I had enough ingredients to make cookies, but discovering I am out of eggs.
    Sadness = reading the last page of the book you loved. Bittersweet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Do you have a belief, are you faithless or faithful?
    Yes

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    What kind of music and film do you enjoy?
    I love many kinds of music - from classical to theatrical, opera to pop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Oh and on a tipping scale are INFP's more or less adjusted or maladjusted than other personalities. Depending, would an INFPs sensitivity get in the way of decision making?
    I guess I can't say I know enough INFP's IRL to evaluate that. I know that I sure have had my own challenges, including learning to be confident, to speak up and feel comfortable in my own skin. I think we have as much a fighting shot at a well-balanced life as any other type. Why not?

    Sending you a big !

  10. #90
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by laughingebony View Post
    Could you offer me some advice on pulling myself out of an existential depression?

    On shedding my self-consciousness?
    Tell me a little more about what is on your mind, I can share some of my thoughts with you. I too struggled with a strong feeling of self-consciousness, especially in my teens. Even now it touches me from time to time, so learning how to work with the feeling is more effective than imagining you can banish it. Tell me more of where your mind is at, and I look forward to your sharing.

    AND:

    I think I will start a blog and that way I can share some other stuff about me with you all too. Thank you all for being so kind in this thread and for your wonderful questions.

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