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  1. #81
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    You too can speak chinese!!!!

    English: He's cleaning his automobile
    Chinese: Wa Shing Ka

    English: This is a tow away zone
    Chinese: No Pah King

    English: Is there a fugitive here?
    Chinese:Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    English: Small Horse
    Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni

    English: Your price is too high!!!
    Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!

    English: Did you go to the beach?
    Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?

    English: I bumped into a coffee table
    Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

    English: It's very dark in here
    Chinese: Wai So Dim?

    English: Has your flight been delayed?
    Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

    English: I thought you were on a diet?
    Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    English: They have arrived
    Chinese: Hai Dei Kum

    English: Your body odor is offensive
    Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

    English: You know lyrics to the song Macarena?
    Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

    English: I got this for free
    Chinese: Ai No Pei

    English: Stay out of sight
    Chinese: Lei Lo

    English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
    Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?

  2. #82
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

    AMAZING CONCLUSION:
    The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
    become.

  3. #83
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Here's one my daughter just told me:

    So there's this lady at home, taking a shower. She hears a knock at the door, and it's a construction worker so she puts on her robe and answers the door. He says "I just built my first building!"

    Later there's another knock and it's a fireman so she puts on her robe and answers the door. The fireman says "I just put out my first fire!"

    Then there's another knock and it's a librarian so she puts on her robe and answers the door. The librarian says "I just sold my first book!"

    Finally, a blind man knocks on the door. The woman decides she doesn't need to put on her robe since he's blind. She answers the door and the blind man says "I just got my sight back!"










    (I think in the original version, the blind man asks if she wants to buy some window blinds, but she seems to have missed that point)
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  4. #84
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    Why did Hitler kill himself?

    He saw his gas bill.
    > MOTHER-IN-LAW
    > When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

  5. #85
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story
    hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
    Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

    The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

    "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
    looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you
    what's inside."

    So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All
    the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without
    hesitation move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
    handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

    They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are
    tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there
    are still two floors left, they continued on up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall
    and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they
    realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are
    missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

    There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor
    was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

  6. #86
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    You must really like lame jokes, Veneti-- you've made three times as many posts in this thread as you have on the rest of the forum.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  7. #87
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
    despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why
    so glum?"

    The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

    "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
    down here. You a drinking man?"

    "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

    "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
    Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
    drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

    The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

    "You a smoker?" the demon asked.

    "You better believe it!"

    "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
    the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
    You're already dead, remember?"

    "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

    The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

    "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

    "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
    poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
    You into drugs?"

    The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

    "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
    bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
    can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

    "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
    never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

    The demon said, "You gay?"

    "No."

    "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

  8. #88
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    You must really like lame jokes, Veneti-- you've made three times as many posts in this thread as you have on the rest of the forum.
    I like jokes as they hit you from left field, if you have a procedural mind they can take you off balance. Make me laugh thats for sure...

  9. #89
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who
    loved to play together. One day, the two were
    playing together, when the horse fell into a
    bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life,
    the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
    the farmer, to go get help! Off the chicken
    ran, back to the farm.

    Arriving, he searched and searched for the
    farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to
    town with the only tractor. Running around,
    the chicken spied the Farmer's new BMW
    7-Series. Finding the keys inside, the
    chicken sped off with a length of rope,
    hoping he still had time to save his
    friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but
    happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny
    B'mer, and managed to get hold of the loop of
    rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying
    the other end to the rear bumper of the
    farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly
    forward, and with the aid of the powerful car
    rescued the horse!
    Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW
    back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was
    none the wiser when he returned. The
    friendship between the two animals was
    cemented - best buddies, best pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a
    mud pit, and soon he too, began to sink, and
    cried out to the horse to save his life! The
    horse thought a moment, walked over, and
    straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,
    he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he
    would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken
    got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
    out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story? When you're hung like
    a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks

  10. #90
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    After days in the wilderness Paddy and Murphy stumble into a bar in
    the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money
    and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with
    a Red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says
    "I hate Indians. Last week the b****ards burnt my barn to the ground,
    raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red
    Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars".

    The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Murphy throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Murphy dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Suddenly Murphy says "Paddy look at this" and Paddy says "Not now I'm busy" and Murphy says "No, look at this" and Paddy says "P**s off, I'm busy" but Murphy grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.
    "Jesus Christ" says Paddy, "we're going to be millionaires".

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