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  1. #71
    Oberon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

    (Alternate version: "Ann Coulter walks into a bar...")
    Alternate version: "John Kerry walks into a bar..."

  2. #72
    Oberon
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    Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

    A: You cut a hole in the ice, then you place a few peas around it. Then when the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!

  3. #73
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
    they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the ship that
    had harpooned his father many years earlier.

    He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

    Soon however, the whales realised the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
    "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
    to swallow the seamen."

  4. #74
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oberon67 View Post
    Alternate version: "John Kerry walks into a bar..."
    Alternate alternate version: "Celine Dion walks into a bar..."
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  5. #75
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    To give myself the illusion of being fair & balanced:

    Al Franken walked into a bar. The bartender says "My GOD but you're ugly!"
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  6. #76
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    Comprehending Accountants - Take One

    Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
    "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
    Minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
    Bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
    wouldn't have fit."

    Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

    An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was
    better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
    and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both."
    "Both?"
    The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
    each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
    to the office and get some work done."

    Comprehending Accountants - Take Three

    To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Comprehending Accountants - Take Four

    "An Accountant and His Frog"
    An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
    spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
    The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
    it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

  7. #77
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    FDA approved Beer label warnings.


    Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have
    accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
    immediately on all beer containers:

    1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
    hell happened to your bra.

    2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
    whispering when you are not.

    3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
    retard.

    4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
    over and over again that you love them.

    5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
    ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
    converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
    Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

    9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
    morning and see something really scary.

    10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
    inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
    are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
    invisible.

    13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
    laughing WITH you.

    14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
    time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

  8. #78
    Senior Member Veneti's Avatar
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    Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
    and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
    birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, when the bunny
    tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a
    bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
    you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going,
    and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am." "Quite
    okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as
    I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
    maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at
    least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said
    the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well,
    you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose
    twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a
    bunny. "Oh. thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

    "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you helped
    me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said. "Well, you're scaly
    and slimy, you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be a
    politician or an attorney."

  9. #79
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    Why did Hitler kill himself?

    He saw his gas bill.

  10. #80
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Why did the skinhead cross the road? To beat up the chicken.

    Why did 100 skinheads cross the road? The chicken was winning.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

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