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  1. #131
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    I have better ones!!:

    Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

    If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

    Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

    Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong had a contest to see who had the most number of testicles. Chuck Norris won by 3.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

    When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

    Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard because he wants one. Chuck Norris has a beard because every time he tries to shave, the razor breaks.

    Chuck Norris' sperm swam the English Channel.

    Chuck Norris can mix oil and water.

    Chuck Norris can watch 60 Minutes in a half hour.

    Chuck Norris' dad can beat up your dad.

    Chuck Norris' mom can beat up your dad.

    Chuck Norris' 6-month old son can beat up your dad.

    Chuck Norris' eyebrow can beat up your dad.

    Actually, Chuck Norris IS your dad.
    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
    to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

    Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
    sparkly sparkly rainbow excretions

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    if you like my avatar, it's because i took it myself! : D

  2. #132
    Glowy Goopy Goodness The_Liquid_Laser's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    I have better ones!!:
    Hey a couple of these were ones that I already said. :P

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
    LMAO! This is my favorite one from your list. There are several that are pretty funny though.
    My wife and I made a game to teach kids about nutrition. Please try our game and vote for us to win. (Voting period: July 14 - August 14)
    http://www.revoltingvegetables.com

  3. #133
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    ...I really like Chuck Norris jokes...and I'm not even sure who he is.
    Chuck Norris is pushing 70 now???

    Auuggh. The world has gotten so old.

    Some of the CN jokes are funny, but they are also giving me horrible flashbacks of the WoW general chat channel. (Not good. No. Not good at all.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Some of the CN jokes are funny, but they are also giving me horrible flashbacks of the WoW general chat channel. (Not good. No. Not good at all.)
    Yes, this mysterious "barrens chat" that I was lucky enough to avoid.

    I never got the point of all the Chuck Norris jokes, or why they were so popular.

  5. #135
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    What if Physicists Wrote Product Disclaimers Instead of Lawyers?

    WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

    WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

    CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

    HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

    CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

    ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.

    READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

    THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

    PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

    NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

    ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

    NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten- dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three- dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.

    PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

    COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

    HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

    IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

  6. #136
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    What do you call a person who speaks three languages?

    A: Trilingual


    What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

    A: Bilingual


    What do you call a person who speaks one language?

    A: American

  7. #137
    Oberon
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    Some Americans don't even speak one whole language.

  8. #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zergling View Post
    What do you call a person who speaks one language?

    A: American
    Or Mexican!

    * * * * *

    Why do Jews have big noses?
    Because all the air is free!

    Why are black people fast?
    Because the slow ones are in jail!

    How can you tell an Asian teen was in your house?
    Your computer is on, your homework is done, but your dog is missing and your car is totaled.

    Why did only 3,000 Mexicans show up at the party?
    Because they only had 2 cars.

    What goes "Clip-Clop-Clip-Clop BANG!"?
    An Amish drive-by shooting.

    Did you hear about the rocket ship they build in West Virginia?
    It got up 300 feet and ran out of coal.

    What does a blond do on her period?
    Finger paint.

    What did Jeffrey Dahmer say when the cops came to his apartment asking for evidence?
    Nothing, he just gave them the finger.

    What's worse than the zits on Jeffrey Dahmer's face?
    The blackheads in his refrigerator.

    Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
    Because he's black.

    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
    Because she was a woman.

    How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
    She was reading a waffle iron.

  9. #139
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    a woman goes to see a gynecologist.
    when he sets eyes on her all his professionalism goes out the window as she is drop dead gorgeous with a body to die for.
    he asks her to undress & then he proceeds to examine her. he starts to fondle her breasts & says to her
    "do you know what I'm doing?"
    "yes" she replies "you're checking for lumps or abnormalities"
    "that's right" he says as he then start to stroke her thighs sensually "do you know what i'm doing now?"
    "yes" she replies "you're checking my skin for any dermatological problems"
    "that's right" he says as he mounts her & begins to make mad passionate love to her "do you know what I'm doing now?"
    "yes" she replies "you're catching the herpes i came to see you about in the first place"

  10. #140

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    A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

    The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in human excrement.

    "Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

    Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
    By the way, I'm the girl in the picture, lol.... happily married though, so don't even...

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