Dear Mr. Lookinferhelp,
I have heard about your job position and wanted to express my moderate interest.
No one is perfect, including myself, but I really want you to know that I am, for all intents and purposes, mostly ethical.
I only steal things that other people do not really seem to need, and I only lie when I have a very very good reason. I do not hurt people unless they deserve it, and I only make fun of those who are truly laughable.
Any time I take money, I always promise to myself that I will give it back later, and when I ding someone's car in the lot, I do take a moment to write a little anonymous note of apology and encourage them to have a good day.
I believe in God as long as He seems to be real, I am firmly committed to my marriage until some better option comes along, and I do not spank my kids unless I am very very angry.
Most importantly for you, I do not criticize my superiors in front of their faces, to avoid unnecessarily hurting their feelings; and I never try to get them fired from their position unless I truly think I could do a better job than they are doing.
I hope this sort of mostly ethical record qualifies me for the job of bank teller with your branch.
(And I won't even harass you about an answer until I decide you've had enough time to think about it!)