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Thread: Excuse the mess

  1. #11
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    The phrase is more one of false humility for me.

    I have a close friend (ENFJ) whose house is typically immaculate. Whenever I see her, she constantly apologizes for the "mess".

    In this experience, the phrase is almost offered as a means for boasting.

  2. #12
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    ...I mean, I might apologize if, as a result of my messiness, my guest has to stand around whilst I clear a space for them to sit. But then, I'm not really apologizing for the mess so much, as just for its effect directly on their comfort at the time.
    Reason I say that, well, because to apologize for the mess itself would be a bit like apologizing for my entire personality, which is just absurd. I mean, the mess is just the by-product of me working the way I work, and if I like the work I do and it's good, and the way I go about it results in good stuff, then why should I be ashamed of that process? Why should I be ashamed of simply being who I am, my own way, in my own home?

    My personal take on it is that if someone IS put off or judges me for it, then it's THEY who ought to feel ashamed and embarrassed, not me.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  3. #13
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    The phrase is more one of false humility for me.

    I have a close friend (ENFJ) whose house is typically immaculate. Whenever I see her, she constantly apologizes for the "mess".

    In this experience, the phrase is almost offered as a means for boasting.
    My mom is just like that!

  4. #14
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    If I say it, it's usually a cover for, "I know this is perhaps not up to your standards, so please don't think I'm clueless and/or please don't judge me for it, I'm trying."

    It's like an Fe buzzphrase meant to clarify your knowledge of the social expectations. I usually hear it from Fe strong people. (xSFJ)

    (Then you get nutty people like Ricki's mom in American Beauty -- eeep.)

    I'm more apt to say, "Sorry the place looks like crap" and then laugh. (And if I'm with someone who knows I'm quirky, I'll toss in something bizarre like "Look out for the alligator, he's around here somewhere.")
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #15
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    It's like an Fe buzzphrase meant to clarify your knowledge of the social expectations.
    Agreed.

  6. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Yeah, I guess I just hate people over-apologizing generally.

    Interesting though, the idea of it being one those 'meaningless' phrases. I've actually been coming to a realization though, that though they might be meaningless when I say them sometimes, and other people too... quite often, without my realizing it, a person really does mean it. It's not meaningless to them. ISFJ's...
    I've had people sincerly ask me "How are you?". It throws me out a little.
    I suppose "I'm sorry about the mess" means I'm sorry I didn't clean up more for you, you are welcome here.

    My wife is ISFJ and she means it when she says it. But what she really means is I value your company.

  7. #17
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_Orbit View Post
    I feel bad that I brought someone into my situation more than feel bad that they have to put up with it.
    This is the crazy thing, to my mind. They came into 'your situation' of their own volition, presumably, unless you forced them at gunpoint or something? lol If they're coming into your home, y'know, they've got to accept that this is a place where you're supremely 'allowed' to be YOU. They're coming into your life, they've gotta accept that it IS your life, where you're allowed to be you.

    Like I say, if it really is disgusting and smelly and stuff, then that's maybe different - cos really, if it's that bad, then you should clean it up for your own sake, not just others. But... even if there's papers and crap all over the place, as long as they've got somewhere to sit with a clear sorta radius of personal space, and a clean mug to drink from, I don't see how they have any business having a problem.

    I don't understand the need to sorta be putting concealer (like the make up stuff lol) on areas of your life, as if you have to hide parts of your personality like an ugly pimple or something...

    Selfish, I know but its the honest truth. (The best only kind of truth, don't you know?)
    Fixed
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  8. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    The phrase is more one of false humility for me.

    I have a close friend (ENFJ) whose house is typically immaculate. Whenever I see her, she constantly apologizes for the "mess".

    In this experience, the phrase is almost offered as a means for boasting.
    Fishing for compliments?

    It is boasting.

  9. #19
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    I try to let the small things slide, and consider the tidiness or lack-thereof of an abode to be just as insignificant as the attentiveness of the host to such details. If it is a big deal, and that becomes apparent during a visit of said host to my abode (which is, alas, often messy), I don't worry too much about that either. If it's a "deal-breaker" for the friendship then it's better to know that sooner rather than later. If that's perceived as a breach of courtesy then I'm prepared to cop it. I prefer to look at it as an invitation to enter my world.

    This sounds pompous. Let me rephrase it in terms possibly more becoming to me. If someone thinks their house is messy when it isn't: I don't care. If someone is offended by my messiness: I don't care. Since I'm single that's really all I feel I need to worry about.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    This is the crazy thing, to my mind. They came into 'your situation' of their own volition, presumably, unless you forced them at gunpoint or something? lol If they're coming into your home, y'know, they've got to accept that this is a place where you're supremely 'allowed' to be YOU. They're coming into your life, they've gotta accept that it IS your life, where you're allowed to be you.

    Like I say, if it really is disgusting and smelly and stuff, then that's maybe different - cos really, if it's that bad, then you should clean it up for your own sake, not just others. But... even if there's papers and crap all over the place, as long as they've got somewhere to sit with a clear sorta radius of personal space, and a clean mug to drink from, I don't see how they have any business having a problem.

    I don't understand the need to sorta be putting concealer (like the make up stuff lol) on areas of your life, as if you have to hide parts of your personality like an ugly pimple or something...

    What an interesting point of view. I never think of it in terms of their reaction, I just assume that I am at fault for the way they react... Then again I've gone to plenty of peoples' houses who are worse than mind and don't have a problem at all...

    Now I'm wondering why I do that.

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