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  1. #31
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    You see behind my facade, you see right through my barricade, or so you think.

    You say you see the real me and this is true, for the real me is all that you can and will see.

    There are no smoke and mirrors, there is no ruse in which an unsound solace I seek.

    There are only infinite layers, ALL of which reflect the realest of real mes.

    Well, to me you have an excellent defence on the surface and you are vulnerable underneath.

    Of course you probably wouldn't choose to have me say this.

    But the fact you are here shows you are reaching out.

    And you may get what you want.

  2. #32
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Who isn't vulnerable underneath?!?!

    The more you get hurt, the more you learn to protect that vulnerable part of yourself.

    I am only human, I do what I can and I do what I must.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Who isn't vulnerable underneath?!?!

    The more you get hurt, the more you learn to protect that vulnerable part of yourself.

    I am only human, I do what I can and I do what I must.
    Me too.

  4. #34
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    That's interesting, were they controlling parents?
    Mom was. But she wasn't the problem, see? I was the one with the problem because I didn't know how to deal with her.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  5. #35
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    No, Anja! My Mom was controlling too, and it was her, all her!
    That makes me really angry. My mom had me believing for years that I was the freakshow (yeah right, a young girl versus an older woman who knows what she's doing).
    I understand what you're saying about knowing how to deal with her, but still...
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  6. #36
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Oh boy! We gotta talk, Girl!
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  7. #37
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    It's interesting to read about people's "adult relationships" with their parents, and then reflect on how my relationship with my parents have changed as I've grown up. What a terrific idea for a thread!

    I never really was "close" to my Dad going up. I don't know why really. Now that we no longer liver together, we have a great time when we do things together! My dad lives about an hour from me, and I don't drive, so usually he'll pick me up when he's in town and I'll go up and stay with him and my stepmom for a day, or the weekend, or whatever. In the winter, we ski. In the summer, we golf, or go rafting, or something. Afterwards, we chill in the hot tub and catch up on what's going on in everyone's lives.

    My Mom lives a lot closer, so I can ride my bike out there, or take the train then ride from the train, if I don't feel like riding all the way. :p I just show up whenever I feel like usually, and let myself in if no one is there. :p My kayak lives there, so I take it out on the lake! We usually watch a movie or something on TV while eating supper. I want to go golfing with my stepdad, but he never seems to have time. :p Same with my brother. :p They're always working. Ugh. :p

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    No, Anja! My Mom was controlling too, and it was her, all her!
    That makes me really angry. My mom had me believing for years that I was the freakshow (yeah right, a young girl versus an older woman who knows what she's doing).
    I understand what you're saying about knowing how to deal with her, but still...
    It boils my blood to be quite frank. Sure when we grow up it's time to learn coping mechanisms to deal with difficult people and situations in our lives and to not be a mere victim of such things BUT it never excuses the actions of boundary violators or abusers. Never. The onus remains on them. They are the ones with the unhealthy behaviors that have to be navigated around.

    I suppose I just didn't know how to deal with my mother's abusive rages either? I should have been born into this world part saint, part psychologist and superhuman in my emotional make up?

    As child and a teen we cannot know how to cope with difficult or absusive people because it is our role models who teach us such and if they are too toxic or dysfuntional to give us healthy patterns how can we know? Especially to deal with repeated hurts and violations to self. It just so wrong to blame the child in the child parent relationship. (Even when that child becomes an adult, the difficult parental behavior is still the parent's own doing and yes an adult needs to know how to protect themselves and not play into such things and not let themselves be treated as child but it's still the elder's difficult behavior that's causing the need. I am only responsible for my own sins, not my parent's.)

    If a parent is truly controlling then it is not the fault of a child or teen to "handle" them. It is the adult's lack of growth and self evaluation.

    Just more blame the victim tripe to continue the violation.

    In fact it is often what abusers tell their targets! My mother would tell me as a child and teen: "You just don't understand how to handle me, if you would handle me better I wouldn't lose it so much."

  9. #39
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I don't have anything like that anymore, but I had it once. I do miss it, but I've built a place for my own comfy place for my children to come home to someday I hope.

    When my grandma would make vegetable soup or beef stew, she would invite us up to her apartment to share the meal. I'd be a good ways from her door when I would begin to smell the wonderful smell of Grandma's cooking.

    When she opened the door, she would always hug and kiss me and I could hear the pressure cooker hissing in the kitchen. We would eat, maybe play a board game or watch some TV. If I was the only one over sometimes we would just each read a book quietly. She always tried to send things home with me and always nagged me about something.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #40
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Bella and heart. Hey.

    Yes. Everybody "should" have good parents. But they don't. A hard, cold fact. If one stays in that blaming mode for a lifetime one risks remaining in the victim role forever.

    As Victor so sardonically put it, if one hasn't had good parenting, at some point it behooves one to get their butts into therapy and learn how to reparent one's self. He's right. Not fair, but true.

    To stay in "I'm messed up because of my mom/dad" doesn't achieve the huge amount of personal responsibility it requires to rise above our childhood traumas.

    Anger and blame are a part of the healing and one needs to take care not to get permanently stuck there. At some point, to have a good life, one must let go and move on. It takes time.

    As long as we continue to believe that someone else is the cause of our unhappiness we will remain stuck. Because that robs us of self-control and puts us at the mercy of others' bad behavior.

    A very unfortunate fact of emotional health - We are responsible for creating a life which pleases us. Only we can do that. And we can, despite the obstacles.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

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