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Thread: Online Dating

  1. #21
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hard View Post
    I'm gay. It's all we really can do (unless you are in a very populated area). Been using sites since I was 18.
    what did they do before the internet? i'd ask you personally but i doubt you were of dating age before online dating existed.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  2. #22
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I'm sorry to butt into your convo, and I thought your entire post was really excellent. But this is particularly striking to me, and something I have been mulling over for a while. I am all for online dating, but in life in general I have noticed that most of the successful relationships I know of come from two people, engaged in a context they have each individually come to out of personal interest, who meet and form a connection. At work, through the Peace Corps, at a wedding through mutual friends, at a book club, at a fundraiser, and so on... And I wonder if eventually online dating will gravitate the same way, in terms of there being more sites where people can engage over things they are inherently interested in. Or maybe it already happens online more than is widely recognized, because mostly we tend to hear from online dating sites trying to push their advertising.
    while I agree that such meetings usually work best, they are hardly feasible for most people (not that you were saying they were). particularly for those with a smaller net of contacts, attractive acquaintances (as in, attractive enough. they don't have to be totally hunks/bombshells) aren't generally accessible to most people.
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  3. #23
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Whats the point of online dating when you can do it IRL?

  4. #24
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OptoGypsy View Post
    Whats the point of online dating when you can do it IRL?
    if you live in a large enough city and actually have circles of friends with attractive, single people whom you are compatible with, more power to you. for most people however, it's more difficult to find compatible peeps (especially if you're not straight)
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  5. #25
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    My actual online dating career was pretty short. I met a woman once on Plenty of Fish, she was as cute as the pictures made her out to be, but she was soo boring, and was mostly looking for a hookup leading into a possible relationship.

    Now I occasionally entertain the idea of doing the online dating thing, but it's only when I'm really lonely, and those are the worst times for me to get into the game. Any other time, the concept doesn't hold any appeal to me. It feels like a human marketplace. I am primarily interested in what people are when they aren't being for show, and I'm a terrible me salesman.

    It really is a shame, because much like OA, I have very specific things in a person that's important to me. And it's a very rare occurrence for me to run into somebody that I connect with on that level in the wild. Early in my single career, I thought I was timid, turns out there just aren't a lot of people around that flip that switch for me, and I'm not willing to settle for OK. And I like learning about people in a non-date setup, and starting from a friendship/hangout expectation. There are some exceptions, but figuring that out was a fumbling awkward process.

    I meet a decent amount of people, I can't imagine how difficult it'd be for an introvert.

  6. #26
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Online dating for local areas is a thing too--where you meet online, but can meet in person that week if you so choose it.

    The way I always thought of it is this: I don't fool around much with people outside of relationships. I won't say never, I definitely have, but especially as I aged more I realized I was almost forcing relationships because I didn't like the idea of flippant interactions with others. At the end of the day.. If I am single.. I am having that physical relationship, interaction, emotional connection--with no one. At all. The physical aspects aren't there. To get someone to fulfill the emotional aspects of things, and the physical aspects somewhat too (there's such thing as skype and google chat and all those great services that I didn't have with my first boyfriend) is better than nothing if the person is a great person. It's a little empty if you aren't attracted to them.. but I think when people get past the frowny-faced "I can't kiss them right away! !!" aspect and start digging into souls and personalities, they find some deep connectivity there.. and it makes the kiss that much sweeter in person.
    I am similar, except I'd rather be alone than only have the emotional aspect & not the physical, or rather, that's generally considered a close friendship to me. I'm also at a point where I have several close, good friendships, so I'm just not lacking there. What I am lacking is the romantic partner & all the things which differentiate it from a friendship or any other kind of close relationship.

    I'm not concerned about kissing right away (I move slowly in the physical realm), but that info is valuable to me in determining if it's really going to work with someone long-term.

    Not to sound completely corny but when I saw my boyfriend in person the first time, it was sort of like seeing a long-lost best friend, except they'd aged into a beautiful person and were focused on you. Skype didn't do him justice, simply put. It was a *little* awkward in that I was shy and he was a little shy.. so I was giggling like a stupid girl... but you really get over that fast, because you've been talking like besties for so long already.
    I've had the experience of developing rapport with someone (perhaps not to that extent), but in person, attraction just was not there. So I guess I just get clearer vibes from the physical presence of someone (not even necessarily physical contact). And by attraction, I mean beyond the physical even.

    I've even been attracted to someone in person, gotten along well, felt a connection, but the idea of kissing him suddenly repulsed me. Or if a kiss happened, it forced me to realize that it was all platonic, because I could not summon sexy feelings for this person. This likely stems from me giving people a chance because they ARE cool, but I have no sexual attraction. There have been occasions where I legitimately thought a guy was cute & found him charismatic, so I felt an attraction, but the idea of becoming physically close was again, repulsive in a way. It's nothing to do with ugliness or skill, but just some kind of chemical reaction, for lack of better words.


    There's plenty of ways for LDRs to go wrong. Lots of ways. I think the main thing that helped me is that I talked to the people in aspects that were not intended for dating--I got to see them and react to their raw personality.. and we naturally gravitated towards each other. It's hard for someone to go back and try to recreate an image.. and the same goes for me. So you really have no choice but just to be open, raw, and honest.
    I much prefer to date this way, as it certainly feels more natural, and there are people you can form deep bonds with whom you do not clique with immediately. Cliquing immediately can be overrated.

    But to keep an ever expanding social circle in person is difficult. This is why I have turned to online dating, but am more skeptical about anything serious developing long-distance that becomes long-term, or anything I'd define as something more than a pen-pal.

    In the online realm where you interact with people in a non-dating setting, it is often extremely abstract. We're about as anonymous as anonymous can be, even though some of us may post photos here & there. Image-control is very high.

    There is also the matter of compatible goals, values, lifestyles, etc, which can be determined slowly in conversation online in non-dating realms, but in person or with online dating, you have much quicker clues or outright data telling you about these things. Since I'm looking for a needle in a haystack & am an odd one myself, I just don't want to get distracted from the basics I know I need (both in terms of what they possess and what they can accept in me). I explored in my 20s and gave people chances when I knew deep down they were incompatible, and it was not fruitful. I'm trying a different approach now, which is probably more scientific in some ways, and probably at odds with my more natural style. But that style didn't work for me.

    Imo, sex is learned. No one is born great at sex. You learn it. So I'm not overly concerned about how bad or good someone is in bed. I don't care if they're a great kisser.. kissing is learned too, and it's easy to learn. It isn't like I haven't seen honest raw pictures, and don't know what they look like. If personality is really what keeps relationships together, the chemistry that forms is there no matter what. And.. it's been my experience with both relationships in person and online.. that physical traits you might not have found so attractive on someone suddenly become more attractive as you get to know them. This is both platonic and deeper than friendship.
    I'm not talking about skill, which I think I noted above. Someone can have supposedly good skills (whatever that means), but to me it's all about dynamic (how you interact, how you gel), which is something I find harder to gauge online. It's not really about physical features either - but a vibe that someone's presence imparts. Video might come closer to displaying this, but even that is pretty limited. Things like smell and incidental touches seem to have an unconscious effect, IMO. Even the way someone moves in relation to you is different from how they move if you watch them or see them in video/photo.

    And like I said.. you don't get any connection with someone when you're single. At least, I don't. So having limited connection with a great, outstanding person is so much better than what I would probably have ended up doing if I decided to only date within my tiny social sphere here in Houston. I've loved a great man from far away, and had a beautiful relationship with him. I loved another great guy, but that love turned out to be more platonic between us, and now we're best friends. I love this guy now, and he's a great person and no matter what happens from here on out it won't have been anything remotely close to a waste of time. My shitty in-person relationships don't have those same credentials.
    I honestly would just keep such relationships friendships & probably get a similar emotional connection, and I have done that (mutually). I can't see myself committing to someone I have not been around in person. To start communicating - no problem, but to commit, I need to be around him.

    I'm not knocking this or demeaning what it was for you, but for me, it just wouldn't work.

    I think it takes a particular person.. someone willing to move, travel, with some income to do these things the further out you go, with a stable life and ready to commit with the time to put into it. So it's not for everyone. But for those who can deal with it for a while, it's great.
    Indeed, it's a bigger commitment if you must make all those changes and efforts too. I would be open to it for someone extraordinary, but meeting in person would be a must before I'd make any commitment.
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  7. #27
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    if you live in a large enough city and actually have circles of friends with attractive, single people whom you are compatible with, more power to you. for most people however, it's more difficult to find compatible peeps (especially if you're not straight)
    Why not move?

  8. #28
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OptoGypsy View Post
    Why not move?
    great idea in theory, harder to do in practice (speaking as someone with every intention to move)
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  9. #29
    So she did. small.wonder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    There is also the matter of compatible goals, values, lifestyles, etc, which can be determined slowly in conversation online in non-dating realms, but in person or with online dating, you have much quicker clues or outright data telling you about these things. Since I'm looking for a needle in a haystack & am an odd one myself, I just don't want to get distracted from the basics I know I need (both in terms of what they possess and what they can accept in me). I explored in my 20s and gave people chances when I knew deep down they were incompatible, and it was not fruitful. I'm trying a different approach now, which is probably more scientific in some ways, and probably at odds with my more natural style. But that style didn't work for me.
    Agreed, and that's also when I seriously disintegrated into unhealth-- I've learned that compromising what I know I need for compatibility just leads to horror. The needle in a haystack thing is actually what has made me consider reaching further out on the map.

    I'm not talking about skill, which I think I noted above. Someone can have supposedly good skills (whatever that means), but to me it's all about dynamic (how you interact, how you gel), which is something I find harder to gauge online. It's not really about physical features either - but a vibe that someone's presence imparts. Video might come closer to displaying this, but even that is pretty limited. Things like smell and incidental touches seem to have an unconscious effect, IMO. Even the way someone moves in relation to you is different from how they move if you watch them or see them in video/photo.
    Yes to this as well. I've been viscerally attracted to men in person, that I probably wouldn't pick from a photo (as well as the total opposite). Physical chemistry (which has nothing to do with physical contact in my opinion) is huge for me, and actually one of my misgivings about online dating. :/

    I would be open to it for someone extraordinary, but meeting in person would be a must before I'd make any commitment.
    Haha. Part of me wants to get on a plane to Australia for a couple weeks, have a man hunt and bring him back here. I'd probably get stuck there in reality, but oh well!
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  10. #30
    Happy Halloween! Codex's Avatar
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    Online dating is very difficult for anyone that gets attached quickly and is unwilling to expect great gaps of time where you can jot see a partner, nor meet them.

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