User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 60

Thread: Online Dating

  1. #11
    Feline Member kelric's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    INtP
    Posts
    2,169

    Default

    Like OrangeAppled, I'm just about to get back into this. It's been, what, 2.5 years since I deactivated the accounts I had at OkCupid and Match.com, and in the meantime I've moved to a new city, not to mention that I'm a bit older than I was when last I tried.

    Honestly, my experiences were not great, not awful, and pretty typical. Didn't find a lot of people I clicked with well enough to really want to contact, and most of those I did didn't write back. Over the course of the year I really made a relatively consistent effort, I think I had maybe four first dates, two seconds dates, and nothing after that. It's just a difficult thing to try and connect with a total stranger, and to be entirely honest, I'm just pretty bad at dating. Nerves get the better of me, and I think I don't come across particularly well, at least not as well as I might under other circumstances.

    But anyway, new town, may as well give it a try, right?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    MBTI
    infj
    Posts
    36

    Default

    I need to start dating. I keep putting it off because I feel that I need to sort so many things out about myself first. But I have to remember that no one is perfect.

    What I am really afraid of is the look. That look from the other person that says that I am not worth their breath let alone their time. That I am polluting their vision or that I amount to a bad smell that they normally instinctually move away from.

    Is this low self esteem? It seems crazy that however much work I put into building it up, that look can topple it in less then a moment.

    But one can't live in fear of that look. I'll get back into the game before the year is out.
    That look can f*ck off.

  3. #13
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,877

    Default

    I've had great success with it overall. Most of my relationships have been long distance.. I dated my first boyfriend for about a year and a half before we broke up--we never met in person. I dated my first love for a year and a half before I met him in person, and dated him another year after that. It was a good relationship even though it didn't work out, and we're still friends. My brother and sister both met their wife and husband respectively online, and they're still married. My current relationship is long distance.

    I don't mind it, I dislike being far away from those I care for.. but I think I'm more adapted to it than most, and I have a knack for getting to know people somewhat through the internet. It's very different in person, that's for sure, but both are positive. I find online dating a little easier at least to start out. No awkward first date because you've already been talking so long.

    I never used a dating site. My brother did (match.com). My sister used Myspace back when that was still a viable thing. I... used various outlets. It wasn't really meant to end up with potential dates, but it ended up happening. Similar to the way usually people hook up that work at the same jobs. Games online and forums and chat rooms and such.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  4. #14
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Posts
    5,932

    Default

    I've been on 9 dates w/ women I met online. Met 8 of them on match.com, 1 on e-harmony. A positive experience, overall.

    Match.com was the best site, hands down. Top tier women there usually have a career going on, whereas Okcupid seem to attract failed feminists (no career, no domestic abilities). I suspect it's also full of neckbeards, to balance things out.

    E-harmony was tough, their system is hit-or-miss. You can't search people, so you rely on the options presented to you. It's very very slow to meet people following the guidelines. The woman I met there was totally relationship material, on the bright side.

    Pof was trashy, in a nutshell. 2/10 would not bang

  5. #15
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 sp/so
    Socionics
    EIE Fe
    Posts
    7,975

    Default

    I'm gay. It's all we really can do (unless you are in a very populated area). Been using sites since I was 18.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari


  6. #16
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEI Ni
    Posts
    7,661

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by radiox View Post
    I need to start dating. I keep putting it off because I feel that I need to sort so many things out about myself first. But I have to remember that no one is perfect.

    What I am really afraid of is the look. That look from the other person that says that I am not worth their breath let alone their time. That I am polluting their vision or that I amount to a bad smell that they normally instinctually move away from.

    Is this low self esteem? It seems crazy that however much work I put into building it up, that look can topple it in less then a moment.

    But one can't live in fear of that look. I'll get back into the game before the year is out.
    That look can f*ck off.


    I understand this. It's pretty rough to put yourself out there if you feel strange and/or not good enough and that people will surely reject you for it. But you're right, no one is perfect, and also, people are not all suited for one another. So if someone is not interested in dating you, then it may just be that they are not right for you, not that there is something wrong with you. If you're a bit unusual, then it means more weeding out to find someone well-suited to you.

    Just focus on what you have to offer, not on what you are lacking, but while continuing to grow as a person. Someone told me that you have to build yourself up, not just turn off overly negative ideas about yourself.

    A lot of those "looks" can be a projection of your own feelings about yourself too, so they can start to diminish as you build up a better notion of yourself and give your flaws a fairer context.

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I've had great success with it overall. Most of my relationships have been long distance.. I dated my first boyfriend for about a year and a half before we broke up--we never met in person. I dated my first love for a year and a half before I met him in person, and dated him another year after that. It was a good relationship even though it didn't work out, and we're still friends. My brother and sister both met their wife and husband respectively online, and they're still married. My current relationship is long distance.

    I don't mind it, I dislike being far away from those I care for.. but I think I'm more adapted to it than most, and I have a knack for getting to know people somewhat through the internet. It's very different in person, that's for sure, but both are positive. I find online dating a little easier at least to start out. No awkward first date because you've already been talking so long.

    I never used a dating site. My brother did (match.com). My sister used Myspace back when that was still a viable thing. I... used various outlets. It wasn't really meant to end up with potential dates, but it ended up happening. Similar to the way usually people hook up that work at the same jobs. Games online and forums and chat rooms and such.
    I've considered the long-distance thing, because what I am looking for is probably a needle in any stack, so broadening the search seems wise... but I could never date someone I have not been around in person, and I certainly need SOME physical presence on a somewhat regular basis, and certainly with the promise of uniting should it become a permanent relationship.

    It's hard for me to grasp how people become committed without any physical meeting. Maybe I'm more shallow, but appearances are different in person and so is chemistry. I especially need to see how physical contact affects the dynamic too - some people seem attractive until you kiss them :X .
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by radiox View Post
    I need to start dating. I keep putting it off because I feel that I need to sort so many things out about myself first. But I have to remember that no one is perfect.

    What I am really afraid of is the look. That look from the other person that says that I am not worth their breath let alone their time. That I am polluting their vision or that I amount to a bad smell that they normally instinctually move away from.

    Is this low self esteem? It seems crazy that however much work I put into building it up, that look can topple it in less then a moment.

    But one can't live in fear of that look. I'll get back into the game before the year is out.
    That look can f*ck off.
    OA already said it, but I want to repeat it. Rejection is hard and it sucks - I kept myself out of the dating world too for a long time for fear of it - but it's often just as much if not more about the other person than it is about you. And sometimes - most of the time - people just aren't good matches for each other. So while it still sucks... At least it's kind of useful in that it indicates who you don't want to be with (and, if you meet someone you still like that much after rejecting you, then you know there might be something really promising there...) But that look isn't about you and your worth as a person or as a potential partner. It's just about what they feel and what they decide to communicate. And it may well be fear masked as contempt... when I was younger I would always reject interested guys because I was so embarrassed of my body that I believed no one would still like me after getting up close. I feel bad for those guys now because I wasn't even conscious of how badly I might have been making them feel. I never even thought that they might take it personally.

  8. #18
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,877

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I've considered the long-distance thing, because what I am looking for is probably a needle in any stack, so broadening the search seems wise... but I could never date someone I have not been around in person, and I certainly need SOME physical presence on a somewhat regular basis, and certainly with the promise of uniting should it become a permanent relationship.
    Online dating for local areas is a thing too--where you meet online, but can meet in person that week if you so choose it.

    The way I always thought of it is this: I don't fool around much with people outside of relationships. I won't say never, I definitely have, but especially as I aged more I realized I was almost forcing relationships because I didn't like the idea of flippant interactions with others. At the end of the day.. If I am single.. I am having that physical relationship, interaction, emotional connection--with no one. At all. The physical aspects aren't there. To get someone to fulfill the emotional aspects of things, and the physical aspects somewhat too (there's such thing as skype and google chat and all those great services that I didn't have with my first boyfriend) is better than nothing if the person is a great person. It's a little empty if you aren't attracted to them.. but I think when people get past the frowny-faced "I can't kiss them right away! !!" aspect and start digging into souls and personalities, they find some deep connectivity there.. and it makes the kiss that much sweeter in person.

    Not to sound completely corny but when I saw my boyfriend in person the first time, it was sort of like seeing a long-lost best friend, except they'd aged into a beautiful person and were focused on you. Skype didn't do him justice, simply put. It was a *little* awkward in that I was shy and he was a little shy.. so I was giggling like a stupid girl... but you really get over that fast, because you've been talking like besties for so long already.

    There's plenty of ways for LDRs to go wrong. Lots of ways. I think the main thing that helped me is that I talked to the people in aspects that were not intended for dating--I got to see them and react to their raw personality.. and we naturally gravitated towards each other. It's hard for someone to go back and try to recreate an image.. and the same goes for me. So you really have no choice but just to be open, raw, and honest.

    It's hard for me to grasp how people become committed without any physical meeting. Maybe I'm more shallow, but appearances are different in person and so is chemistry. I especially need to see how physical contact affects the dynamic too - some people seem attractive until you kiss them :X .
    Imo, sex is learned. No one is born great at sex. You learn it. So I'm not overly concerned about how bad or good someone is in bed. I don't care if they're a great kisser.. kissing is learned too, and it's easy to learn. It isn't like I haven't seen honest raw pictures, and don't know what they look like. If personality is really what keeps relationships together, the chemistry that forms is there no matter what. And.. it's been my experience with both relationships in person and online.. that physical traits you might not have found so attractive on someone suddenly become more attractive as you get to know them. This is both platonic and deeper than friendship.

    And like I said.. you don't get any connection with someone when you're single. At least, I don't. So having limited connection with a great, outstanding person is so much better than what I would probably have ended up doing if I decided to only date within my tiny social sphere here in Houston. I've loved a great man from far away, and had a beautiful relationship with him. I loved another great guy, but that love turned out to be more platonic between us, and now we're best friends. I love this guy now, and he's a great person and no matter what happens from here on out it won't have been anything remotely close to a waste of time. My shitty in-person relationships don't have those same credentials.

    I think it takes a particular person.. someone willing to move, travel, with some income to do these things the further out you go, with a stable life and ready to commit with the time to put into it. So it's not for everyone. But for those who can deal with it for a while, it's great.

    Nothing beats being in person, too. Yeah, I'm sure it can happen that you really like someone's personality, get there in person, and somehow they weren't what you expected and you got all frowny-faced. But I think honest communication is a big part of breaking that down. I sort of knew what to expect from any boyfriend I ever met in person.. it was pretty spot-on in person, and/or better. Communication can fix almost anything if you aren't trying to turn them into some romantic shining knight in armor and they turn out to be a regular old dude/gal.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  9. #19
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I think the main thing that helped me is that I talked to the people in aspects that were not intended for dating--I got to see them and react to their raw personality.. and we naturally gravitated towards each other.
    I'm sorry to butt into your convo, and I thought your entire post was really excellent. But this is particularly striking to me, and something I have been mulling over for a while. I am all for online dating, but in life in general I have noticed that most of the successful relationships I know of come from two people, engaged in a context they have each individually come to out of personal interest, who meet and form a connection. At work, through the Peace Corps, at a wedding through mutual friends, at a book club, at a fundraiser, and so on... And I wonder if eventually online dating will gravitate the same way, in terms of there being more sites where people can engage over things they are inherently interested in. Or maybe it already happens online more than is widely recognized, because mostly we tend to hear from online dating sites trying to push their advertising.

  10. #20
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,877

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I'm sorry to butt into your convo, and I thought your entire post was really excellent. But this is particularly striking to me, and something I have been mulling over for a while. I am all for online dating, but in life in general I have noticed that most of the successful relationships I know of come from two people, engaged in a context they have each individually come to out of personal interest, who meet and form a connection. At work, through the Peace Corps, at a wedding through mutual friends, at a book club, at a fundraiser, and so on... And I wonder if eventually online dating will gravitate the same way, in terms of there being more sites where people can engage over things they are inherently interested in. Or maybe it already happens online more than is widely recognized, because mostly we tend to hear from online dating sites trying to push their advertising.
    All of those things have the same thing in common--convenience friendships. You're sort-of-friends, because you're in the same group/area/activity. So, for a while, you don't really give a fuck and just act like however.. you sort of get attached to the people after that, and act better around the ones you like, and push away the ones you don't. I think in that stage of things, you're not really cutting platonic lines into anything because you aren't thinking about a relationship coming from there.. which sort of subconsciously leaves opportunity doorways for others. You care enough to act like yourself, but not enough to hide who you are. It's why many people meet through work, or hobbies, or mutual interests like church. In comparison to meeting through mutual friends, there's a lot of unspoken pressure there.. your friends are the same, you're around each other all the time, there's a lot to go wrong. There's a bigger loss right off the bat.

    I think online tends to be the same way. It's hard to interact regularly with anyone without making connections with people. Even just playing games, you end up with some friends you talk to all the time in that game--yet, when you stop playing, the communication stops too. It's a convenience thing. They're in your life when you want them to be, they fall off the charts when you don't. And it's easy to realize someone's pretty cool just being who they are..
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

Similar Threads

  1. [INTJ] INTJ's and Online Dating Sites
    By Misty_Mountain_Rose in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 09-20-2016, 07:02 PM
  2. [NF] How to Attract NFs in online dating profiles.
    By Thessaly in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 35
    Last Post: 01-08-2012, 03:10 PM
  3. So who's met with online dating success?
    By Brendan in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 09-23-2010, 09:34 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO