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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default Members That Don't Want To Engage With You?

    This is a little complicated but thoughts on this? It seems relevant to several things I've seen lately.

    1. Have you ever gotten the impression from another member that they don’t want you to engage them?

    [If yes:]
    1a. Did it dissuade you from posting in threads (assuming you know several other people participating in the thread who are engaging you)? Or did it dissuade you from replying more specifically to that individual, but not especially from threads? How much, overall, do you feel it hinders your ability to participate with other people?

    1b. Did it make you angry? Or did it evoke any other strong reaction?

    1c. Any other thoughts/grievances you want to share?

    2. Have there ever been any members you avoid engaging/interacting with yourself?

    [If yes:]
    2a. Did it dissuade you from posting in threads they'd become involved in?

    2b. How did you maneuver around them while trying to avoid them? [Did you directly ask them not to engage you as soon as you felt an aversion? Did you avoid quoting them and give short answers when they quoted you? Did you wait until the aversion was really strong (i.e. did you try ignoring/avoiding your own aversion before trying to avoid the person)? Etc.]

    2c. Do you think it draws much attention when you try to steer clear of someone, or does it seem to pass without incident? Does it occur to you to consider about how much other people notice when we personally steer clear of someone (and the effect that might have)?

    3. Do you feel like you generally pick up on someone else trying to avoid you, or would you prefer to be directly asked not to engage someone and to not have to rely at all on body language/cues of disinterest/aversion? [In thinking of This Thread.]

    3a. If you personally prefer the person contact you with a direct request to avoid interacting with you- when? As soon as they feel any aversion? or would you prefer the ‘soft no’ tactics first, then a direct request if that doesn't take?

    3b. Suppose someone noticed you were backing away enough to actually state something like “Wow, I’m getting the cold shoulder from you”- and yet they didn’t take this as an indication they should give you some space, and kept persisting to interact regardless. (As happened in the article in that thread.) Would you know how to handle that?

    4. How do you handle such situations (of feeling an aversion so some individual in the group) in real life- such as work environment (e.g. I don’t know, break room maybe), regular places you hang out, school, etc?

    4a. In your opinion, how is this situation different in an online forum than in real life venues? Do you think that generally people should feel more or less obligated to ignore any aversion they feel towards another person because of the way this forum works?
    Last edited by highlander; 04-30-2014 at 09:24 PM.

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  2. #2
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    This is a little complicated but thoughts on this? It seems relevant to several things I've seen lately.

    1. Have you ever gotten the impression from another member that they don’t want you to engage them?

    [If yes:]
    1a. Did it dissuade you from posting in threads (assuming you know several other people participating in the thread who are engaging you)? Or did it dissuade you from replying more specifically to that individual, but not especially from threads? How much, overall, do you feel it hinders your ability to participate with other people?
    I usually feel an even stronger urge to reply to everything they post. even if it's pointless and I have no opinion on it. I will make one up
    1b. Did it make you angry? Or did it evoke any other strong reaction?
    made me angry because I felt like they were projecting false hoods on to me, and taking offense at non-offensive things. which in turn makes me want to be actually offensive

    1c. Any other thoughts/grievances you want to share?
    not really

    2. Have there ever been any members you avoid engaging/interacting with yourself?
    not really, it's complicated but not exactly yes and not exactly no




    3a. If you personally prefer the person contact you with a direct request to avoid interacting with you- when? As soon as they feel any aversion? or would you prefer the ‘soft no’ tactics first, then a direct request if that doesn't take?
    I prefer direct request. thoughif I don't like them I'll keep on. But generally I'll back off

    3b. Suppose someone noticed you were backing away enough to actually state something like “Wow, I’m getting the cold shoulder from you”- and yet they didn’t take this as an indication they should give you some space, and kept persisting to interact regardless. (As happened in the article in that thread.) Would you know how to handle that?
    depends on the person if I don't know them well i'd probably suffer through, though sometimes I'll make up some important thing that I have to do right then. If they keep going, I'll snap.
    4. How do you handle such situations (of feeling an aversion so some individual in the group) in real life- such as work environment (e.g. I don’t know, break room maybe), regular places you hang out, school, etc?
    I try to be polite, but eventually I'll just leave. I'm very good at leaving without being noticed. I'm really just a fixature.

    4a. In your opinion, how is this situation different in an online forum than in real life venues? Do you think that generally people should feel more or less obligated to ignore any aversion they feel towards another person because of the way this forum works?
    I think on the forum you can skim over the words of the person. IRL if I'm stuck in a room with someone I don't like it's harder. but one of the techniques i've learned is to day dream and get stuck in my head, and hopefully they're not speaking directly to me. then later go to a friend who was there with us and analyze the other person's behaviour. That being said, I have a harder time ignoring written language vs spoken language. Spoken language I'll forget it pretty much right away with written it sticks around. And I often don't process things spoken to me before the next statement of the person comes out, and because i haven't processed the previous thing it might as well never been said to me, but because I can take my time reading something I'll actually process it and be like, hey! wait! and realize what is actually being said.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  3. #3
    violaine
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    I get confused if there isn't anything I know I've done and I seem to be getting the cold shoulder. I don't assume it's the cold shoulder though. Maybe the person just isn't much for interacting. I know I find it hard to keep up with everyone I would like to here. So it sometimes takes a year or two for me to realize that someone doesn't want to interact with me here. :p I would much rather be told directly! (Any way we could make that happen?)

    There's only one poster I avoid but I don't really have a problem with her being here either. Just not my cup of tea. I won't post in someone's thread if I think they have some animosity towards me. I used to rep all the posts I enjoy but not much anymore. It used to be the case that if I didn't get regular responses from someone, say once every ten reps, then I kinda stop repping for a while in case it's annoying or something. Though I don't automatically assume I'm not liked, everyone has a limit to their social energy.

    It would be so much easier to be told directly! God knows who is going to misunderstand or not like a position I've taken on something. Though, once I've processed an event, I'm totally fine with it and think its been good for helping me not worry anymore about being understood.

  4. #4
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    Jesus...

    Good questions...

    Would take way too long to give a proper response, and I've got other things I need to do.

    I'll think about it and maybe get back later.

  5. #5
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    1. Have you ever gotten the impression from another member that they don’t want you to engage them?
    Yes.

    [If yes:]
    1a. Did it dissuade you from posting in threads (assuming you know several other people participating in the thread who are engaging you)?
    Yes.

    Or did it dissuade you from replying more specifically to that individual, but not especially from threads?
    There are still threads I participate in because I do not wish to be silenced, but more threads that I do not enter when that person is in them.

    How much, overall, do you feel it hinders your ability to participate with other people?
    It hinders my ability to freely participate a great deal. I consider the hundreds of ways my words can be willfully misinterpreted and used against me. There are actually a couple of people here who actively try to discredit me in the eyes of others.

    1b. Did it make you angry? Or did it evoke any other strong reaction?
    Since the person who has the problem is the one who gets to dictate the terms of interaction, and they still talk about whatever they wish to discuss but I cannot, it makes me feel censored, silenced, disappointed and it also makes me feel that I am trying to be respectful and accommodating whilst they are not.

    1c. Any other thoughts/grievances you want to share?
    A forum is a public space and no one should have special privilege above anyone else to claim ownership of little corners of it here and there. If someone annoys or irritates you, and they're not breaking any rules, it is your responsibility to manage your actions and emotional space without restricting other people's freedom of speech or interaction.

    2. Have there ever been any members you avoid engaging/interacting with yourself?
    Yes, 2 people, and not the person who's avoiding me above.

    [If yes:]
    2a. Did it dissuade you from posting in threads they'd become involved in?
    No.

    2b. How did you maneuver around them while trying to avoid them? [Did you directly ask them not to engage you as soon as you felt an aversion? Did you avoid quoting them and give short answers when they quoted you? Did you wait until the aversion was really strong (i.e. did you try ignoring/avoiding your own aversion before trying to avoid the person)? Etc.]
    I dealt with each instance individually and that generally involved avoiding the person in question, not quoting them, not engaging with them or the content of their posts. There's not a single person on this forum who knows who I historically avoided.

    2c. Do you think it draws much attention when you try to steer clear of someone, or does it seem to pass without incident? Does it occur to you to consider about how much other people notice when we personally steer clear of someone (and the effect that might have)?
    It's obvious to me who avoids who, and who likes who, who's trying to align with who etc but that's because I notice those types of things. The only way to avoid the large impact such visible evasive actions have is to make your own avoidance of each person as invisible as possible. Most minor irritations can be maneuvered without incident, since individual examples tend to be short-lived in emotional impact.

    3. Do you feel like you generally pick up on someone else trying to avoid you, or would you prefer to be directly asked not to engage someone and to not have to rely at all on body language/cues of disinterest/aversion? [In thinking of this thread.]
    I don't think anyone should be asked to avoid anyone else here during ordinary or politely heated discourse. I manage my space myself. If someone has a problem with my opinions, that's their own issue, and they should take steps to ensure their own emotional well-being without involving me. However, if someone has subject matter that's sensitive to them, and this is brought to my attention, I would try to minimize any impact I would have on them.

    3a. If you personally prefer the person contact you with a direct request to avoid interacting with you- when? As soon as they feel any aversion? or would you prefer the ‘soft no’ tactics first, then a direct request if that doesn't take?
    I do not think anyone should be asked to avoid anyone else here, barring of course instances where the forum rules are broken. If you are uncomfortable talking about a certain subject, and want to ask another person to give you space, I would prefer being asked nicely in the following manner: "Hi there PB, am feeling a bit uncomfortable, can we talk about this later?" It's as simple as that.

    3b. Suppose someone noticed you were backing away enough to actually state something like “Wow, I’m getting the cold shoulder from you”- and yet they didn’t take this as an indication they should give you some space, and kept persisting to interact regardless. (As happened in the article in that thread.) Would you know how to handle that?
    No one should be expected to be a mind-reader here. If I myself were giving out cold-shoulders, I would take a forum break because, again, your own emotional space is YOURS to manage. If the forum is heating you up, it's your responsibility to cool yourself down, not force someone else out to make things better for you.

    4. How do you handle such situations (of feeling an aversion so some individual in the group) in real life- such as work environment (e.g. I don’t know, break room maybe), regular places you hang out, school, etc?
    On an individual basis.

    4a. In your opinion, how is this situation different in an online forum than in real life venues? Do you think that generally people should feel more or less obligated to ignore any aversion they feel towards another person because of the way this forum works?
    This is a public space on typology and thus all voices have equal traction. I think if you feel aversion to others here, you can make a choice to continue to participate or not. An individual has no right to force others to leave.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  6. #6
    Society
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    This is a little complicated but thoughts on this? It seems relevant to several things I've seen lately.
    my initial thought on the matter, because despite the obvious (forum privately owned), i would wager much of the convo is going to revolve around the notion of rights, so on that tone: you absolutely have the right to avoid talking from whoever you choose too. but what does that mean?

    it means you have the right to shove your head up your ass & muffle voices you disagree with, the right to keep to your tiny little intellectual bubble & protect your fragile little claims maintained exclusively by never letting yourself hear an argument against them and god forbid having to actually think, the right to look at the progress of the empathetic bubble as it moved from tribe to nations to people of other races and creeds and genders and yell "Well but people i disagree with? that's too far", the right to be an asshole jerking off to empowerment of social out casting in what should probably be considered its own form of bullying, the right to demonstrate to the world your capacity of maturity demands kindergarden rules, the right to be a prick flat lining open exchange of ideas, the right to be destructive to the conversation flow and disrespectful for everyone in it... and in turn society has the right - nay - the social responsibility - to mock you for it, and yes - that's including those you decided to disengage from. because the thing about rights - its just what others don't have the right to prevent you from doing. it doesn't save you from being responsible for what you do within them. and they absolutely have the right to respond to the content of your posts, you had the right to control the information up until the point you decided to make it public, but once that happens, that was your choice and responsibility, and you don't get to pick the public is. so yes - you have the right to be an ass - but the people you choose to be an ass too don't have the responsibility to help you do it. you have the right to ignore others, but you don't have the right to force them to ignore you.
    ("you" referencing people in general, not you specifically).

    FYI - this is a really good topic. pandora's box in the best of ways.
    Last edited by Society; 04-28-2014 at 04:00 AM.

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    There are a select few people who avoid me, and whom I avoid, although I don't think I feel any particular animosity - it's more if I've realized over time that our interactions are not going to be productive or are going to result in misunderstanding, then I'd prefer to circumvent it and not distress the other person or feel frustrated myself.

    I think it's natural that some people hitch and some don't and I don't feel that there is anything wrong with that. I dislike it when there is public attention brought to the fact that I am choosing not to interact with certain people, although I don't generally mind engaging privately about it. I don't really feel strong alliances with anyone here, and tend to avoid threads where there is a very strong group of people who hang out together regularly because I don't wish to crash their party or be a nuisance. I am more likely to avoid engaging if I feel strong disagreement with someone and don't think anything useful can come of discussing our differences, because it requires emotional energy that I don't always wish to use in that manner when it may be needed more in my real life. My time here is spent in little bits, and I'd prefer to either be learning something new, have positive exchanges, keep up a few old acquaintances, or understand something I didn't before than work out conflict with people whom I am unlikely to make major players in my life, especially when I do not have a lot of leisure time at my disposal.

    I do become frustrated when contentious people are allowed to dominate the content of a number of threads over and over, but even then, don't really see it as my right to require that they don't. It just makes it more unlikely that I will spend time on those threads (or maybe on the site).

    In real life, I tend to want to get conflict worked out with the people closest to me. With acquaintances, I usually look for what common ground we can find, or else don't engage. With friends, it really depends on the situation and our level of closeness. With co-workers, I tend to either avoid working on projects with people I know I can't see eye to eye with or who rub me the wrong way, or else if that can't be avoided (or isn't suitable to be), I like to get things out in the open and find a solution that works for us both. If my philosophy and the philosophy of the person leading the organization I work for clash, I would be more likely to look for a more compatible situation than to try to effect major change against the other person's will.

    By nature, I'm probably not much of a collaborative person. I'd prefer to be assigned a piece of a project that others are working on and work on it myself or with others who are compatible.

    If people don't like me, I would prefer that they give me hints first. If I don't notice the hints, then I'd like a direct request. I tend to do the same. I also would prefer anything direct to be private. For me, I mostly only quit engaging when a person refuses to respect personal boundaries that I've stated. I generally am fairly open to people and will give them fair warning if something is bothering me. Usually when there are problems, I try to make sure I have some background context before making a judgement about what I want to do. Having said that, there are some kinds of behaviour that I will not tolerate, even when I know the person is in a bad space. I tend to wait for quite awhile till I have seen a pattern, before making decisions and usually am open to changing my mind if I see a change in the general manner of interaction.

  8. #8
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    my initial thought on the matter, because despite the obvious (forum privately owned), i would wager much of the convo is going to revolve around the notion of rights, so on that tone: you absolutely have the right to avoid talking from whoever you choose too. but what does that mean?
    .

    FYI - this is a really good topic.
    He clarified! SO I completley agree, if someone wants to ignore me, fine! but don't make me ignore you. I have never once told someone to put me on ignore, because I didn't like what they had to say, nor do I like being told by a third party either
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  9. #9
    philosopher wood nymph greenfairy's Avatar
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    I want everyone to like me, which of course is not realistic or reasonable. I don't dislike anyone unless there's a really good reason for it because it seems to me to just be disrespectful. Things people say and do annoys me and opinions of theirs make me angry, but it has to be extreme before I will choose to purposely not engage them. I'd rather everyone just be willing to interact civilly unless the people just aren't good for each other, like exes or something. I realize I can't ask this, but that's how I feel. If someone genuinely dislikes me I guess they have a right to feel that way and in that case I shouldn't expect them to try to interact with me. If I do genuinely dislike someone I usually try to make myself interact civilly with them anyway, but maybe not everyone feels obligated to do this.

    All this does not affect my posting unless I have been told by someone to not engage them. In that case I may just reply to something they said but indirectly, using it in relation to my thoughts, but not expecting an answer from them. And really I think intellectual discussion shouldn't be influenced by how much you like or dislike someone, because searching for truth is more important than that; in comparison it seems petty. Certainly in an academic situation it is, maybe not in person, but you can certainly discuss papers they've written in papers you write; if they don't respond it seems bad for them because they're not open to criticism. Anyway, that's just relating to academia and philosophy, which is way different from the forum. That's the mindset I have sometimes if I think what I have to say is important or if I like what they say.

    So maybe respect and good will are different from like and dislike, but I tend to associate them. People should be respectful and have good will toward others even when they dislike them. Disliking an entire person just seems too homogenizing; often you don't really dislike the entirety of who they are.

  10. #10
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Maybe... I can't remember a lot of people on here unfortunately... I haven't ever NOT participated bc of that though, if it is true.



    I tend to lurk more than participate in the drama situations though...

    ^creeper
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

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