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  1. #1
    Stansmith
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    Default Dealing with a typology obsession.

    I initially had an even larger, fleshed-out, semi-coherent post describing all the deeply-ingrained complexes I had developed surrounding typology and identity over the past 2 years, but it all seems so...surreal to me now. I can't believe I've let all this happen. It's disgusting. It's terrifying to realize how meaningless this experience has been - an entire year of my life wasted - and how it can all be neatly summarized in a thread which probably won't get more than a few responses. I've never felt this exposed before, but it's necessary. I can't go on like this.

    To make a long story short, I've been going through an incredibly strenuous identity crisis surrounding my type for the past year or so, starting with the initial confusion surrounding my enneagram type, and eventually getting worse after posting a questionnaire video on here where it was unanimously decided that I was an (I)SFP instead of an ENFP. Whereas I was previously relatively comfortable with my ENFP typing and rarely questioned it (although I've come to realize that I don't relate to Ne as described by Jung or most MBTI sources), typing at ISFP has led me into a downward spiral where every single day of the past year has been spent questioning my sense of self and whether I was an ISFP, or an ESFP, a type that I stigmatized. I found it difficult to reconcile the complete lack of principles that characterized my adolescence with being a Fi-dom, something that I saw as noble in comparison, which made me feel ashamed of myself for never being able to live up to it. I couldn't even list ISFP on my profile because it seemed too good to be true. Sometimes I was able to reconcile my ISFP typing with my past by saying that what I was doing during highschool was overcompensation, and that I was now acting in the way that I was supposed to..but how can I know that for sure? I would skip weeks upon weeks of school during the fall semester because I couldn't get out of my head - I was constantly reminded of all the awful, embarrassing things I did that seemed to contradict my typing. I realize how pathetic and disgusting this all is, to the point where I'm ashamed to even tell my therapist about it, yet here I am telling you this now. I take full responsibility for what's happened to me.

    I viewed being an ISFP as an improvement, a chance at becoming someone likeable or worthwhile, so I played the role as well as I could and molded my entire sense of self around it. I emphasized Fi and Ni, and convincing myself that I was a recluse and actually had principles. In some ways, this obsession was an improvement, since I became more aware of my priorities, became disillusioned with the destructive behaviors and mindsets that characterized my past and put more thought into the long term implications of my actions...but still, there was part of me that wondered whether these improvements could trule be mine, and not a result of typing as an ISFP. Nonetheless, I was comfortable with my ISFP typing for a few months until I started to delve deeper into socionics, and realized that I might be an IEE (based on my behavior during highschool), which correlates with ESFP moreso than it does ISFP, again flipping my perception of self over completely.

    I realize that what I've written sounds pretty underwhelming - I've never been very good at expressing myself through writing - but I've been practically neurotic for the past year, constantly berating myself and putting all of my thoughts and behavior under scrutiny. It's almost traumatizing to realize what I've put myself through. I don't think I could ever do the experience justice by trying to describe it through words. I've lost any ability to behave naturally. I've had my perception of self flipped over it's head so many times over the past year that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel malleable. I don't know where to go from here, typology has become so integral to my sense of being that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to shake it off. You start to realize just how base, worthless and meaningless your life is when you have to live vicariously through a personality type.

  2. #2
    Stansmith
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    While I'd like to eventually get over this, it doesn't seem like it would changed much. I've always been miserable, unhealthy, and painfully misguided. When I didn't have a typology I was embarrassing myself and doing sh-tty things like leaving my dad at the hospital after he attempted suicide to see a girl that I had met the day before, abruptly leaving my second girlfriend after losing my virginity towards her, etc. I was the lowest, most banal form of human-being, and this is only reference I have in regards to a life free from myers-briggs/enneagram/socionics.

    There was almost this sense that I was finally coming into my own - that I was headed in the right direction - during that period where I was relatively comfortable with my ISFP typing, but now what? It's amazing how quickly I've gone from thinking I had a semi-confident perception of self to realizing that it's all been a lie. There's no way for me to tell what was real and what wasn't.

  3. #3
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    It sounds like removing yourself from this community -- at least the typology sections -- may be a good idea. Obviously, this isn't beneficial for you, and it sounds like you need to make some drastic changes in your life. A good foundation is setting healthy routines: eating decently, staying away from the Internet, meditating, spending time outside, establishing regular sleeping patterns, etc. I don't know you well enough to suggest where to go from there.

    I realize how pathetic and disgusting this all is, to the point where I'm ashamed to even tell my therapist about it
    You may want to try a different therapist / type of therapy or reevaluate your own approach to it. I really sympathize. I kind of wish psychoanalytic/dynamic therapy was still a viable option; I don't like sitting face-to-face so you can see their reactions (and interpret the worst), and I don't like how informal it can be -- makes it feel even stranger to voice these things.

    And, hey, everyone has their own pathetic and disgusting stuff. It's fine. You can get past it.

  4. #4

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    I totally relate...

  5. #5
    LadyLazarus
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    This is painfully relateble; probably for most of us here, as we all joined this forum and are therefore more likely than not obsessed with typology to one extent or another.

    It's hard, you think about it a lot, maybe every other minute of the day. You think about it because you know there'll never be a way to know for sure, there will never be a definite answer. Which is unfortunate because when it comes to you, close enough just isn't good enough.

    All I can think of that may help short term is accepting that this isn't a definite theory and becoming obsessed with something else.

    The only real way to get over this IMO like any other addiction is to push yourself into doing so/quitting cold turkey, it may seem very difficult but you can do it, be strong.

    I apologize if this wasn't of much help.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stansmith View Post
    You start to realize just how base, worthless and meaningless your life is when you have to live vicariously through a personality type.
    You don't have to live vicariously through a personality type.

    All you have to do is be you.

    Stop tripping yourself out.

    There is no "ISFP" ideal you must live up to.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by decrescendo View Post
    It sounds like removing yourself from this community -- at least the typology sections -- may be a good idea. Obviously, this isn't beneficial for you, and it sounds like you need to make some drastic changes in your life. A good foundation is setting healthy routines: eating decently, staying away from the Internet, meditating, spending time outside, establishing regular sleeping patterns, etc. I don't know you well enough to suggest where to go from there.
    I also recommend this.

    You've struck me as highly obsessed with typology since I've seen you here.

    I could not possibly name the MBTI type, Socionics type, Enneagram tritype (w/ wings!), and Instinctual Stacking of anything.

    Not my favorite TV show, not my favorite movie, favorite book, or even my favorite (lifelong) friends.

    You've dived a bit too deep into this stuff, I think, and it might be time to take a break.

    There's good use of this stuff, and there's bad use of this stuff.

    You use too much of a medicine, and it becomes a poison.

    I recommend what decrescendo mentioned above.

    When you're better, maybe return to typology in smaller doses.
    Last edited by Zarathustra; 04-24-2014 at 09:41 AM.

  8. #8
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    Lastly: if you need it, and you think it might help, come on vent, and I'll do my best to set you straight.

    Remember, the purpose of the enneagram is to relieve us of the unnecessary and unconscious things we do pertaining to our enneatype.

    The point is to experience freedom from these unnecessary behaviors by making them conscious.

    That is what the circle of the enneagram represents: freedom from any one of these types.

    Do not try to be a type...

    Just be yourself.

    Be present.

    Be free.
    Last edited by Zarathustra; 04-24-2014 at 09:40 AM.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLazarus View Post
    You think about it because you know there'll never be a way to know for sure, there will never be a definite answer.
    Don't know if I agree with this. You think about it, I'd guess, because you're unhealthy and out of touch with yourself and this is an inefficient way of reaffirming for yourself who you are / who you could be. Intellectualizing like this won't help; you're not just a mind, and this isn't theoretical.

    I am sure there is much in you to be salvaged, and I hope you get there.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by decrescendo View Post
    Don't know if I agree with this. You think about it, I'd guess, because you're unhealthy and out of touch with yourself and this is an inefficient way of reaffirming for yourself who you are / who you could be. Intellectualizing like this won't help; you're not just a mind, and this isn't theoretical.
    Yeah, I'm pretty much certain of my type.

    The parts where I'm uncertain -- 8w7 fix, or 8w9? -- I mean, I really just don't care.

    Why give a shit about something so minor?

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