I initially had an even larger, fleshed-out, semi-coherent post describing all the deeply-ingrained complexes I had developed surrounding typology and identity over the past 2 years, but it all seems so...surreal to me now. I can't believe I've let all this happen. It's disgusting. It's terrifying to realize how meaningless this experience has been - an entire year of my life wasted - and how it can all be neatly summarized in a thread which probably won't get more than a few responses. I've never felt this exposed before, but it's necessary. I can't go on like this.
To make a long story short, I've been going through an incredibly strenuous identity crisis surrounding my type for the past year or so, starting with the initial confusion surrounding my enneagram type, and eventually getting worse after posting a questionnaire video on here where it was unanimously decided that I was an (I)SFP instead of an ENFP. Whereas I was previously relatively comfortable with my ENFP typing and rarely questioned it (although I've come to realize that I don't relate to Ne as described by Jung or most MBTI sources), typing at ISFP has led me into a downward spiral where every single day of the past year has been spent questioning my sense of self and whether I was an ISFP, or an ESFP, a type that I stigmatized. I found it difficult to reconcile the complete lack of principles that characterized my adolescence with being a Fi-dom, something that I saw as noble in comparison, which made me feel ashamed of myself for never being able to live up to it. I couldn't even list ISFP on my profile because it seemed too good to be true. Sometimes I was able to reconcile my ISFP typing with my past by saying that what I was doing during highschool was overcompensation, and that I was now acting in the way that I was supposed to..but how can I know that for sure? I would skip weeks upon weeks of school during the fall semester because I couldn't get out of my head - I was constantly reminded of all the awful, embarrassing things I did that seemed to contradict my typing. I realize how pathetic and disgusting this all is, to the point where I'm ashamed to even tell my therapist about it, yet here I am telling you this now. I take full responsibility for what's happened to me.
I viewed being an ISFP as an improvement, a chance at becoming someone likeable or worthwhile, so I played the role as well as I could and molded my entire sense of self around it. I emphasized Fi and Ni, and convincing myself that I was a recluse and actually had principles. In some ways, this obsession was an improvement, since I became more aware of my priorities, became disillusioned with the destructive behaviors and mindsets that characterized my past and put more thought into the long term implications of my actions...but still, there was part of me that wondered whether these improvements could trule be mine, and not a result of typing as an ISFP. Nonetheless, I was comfortable with my ISFP typing for a few months until I started to delve deeper into socionics, and realized that I might be an IEE (based on my behavior during highschool), which correlates with ESFP moreso than it does ISFP, again flipping my perception of self over completely.
I realize that what I've written sounds pretty underwhelming - I've never been very good at expressing myself through writing - but I've been practically neurotic for the past year, constantly berating myself and putting all of my thoughts and behavior under scrutiny. It's almost traumatizing to realize what I've put myself through. I don't think I could ever do the experience justice by trying to describe it through words. I've lost any ability to behave naturally. I've had my perception of self flipped over it's head so many times over the past year that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I feel malleable. I don't know where to go from here, typology has become so integral to my sense of being that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to shake it off. You start to realize just how base, worthless and meaningless your life is when you have to live vicariously through a personality type.