I can be really obnoxious. I was really obnoxious on here for a good while, and while I always knew that some day I would realize it and really really feel awful about it, I STILL was obnoxious. And I will probably still be obnoxious at times to an extent, I can... sometimes I dont really realize what Im doing until... Im half way in and drowning. But I am going to try to make sure that Im never as obnoxious as I was a while ago. Its a bit cringe-worthy tbh. And I hope never ever to do it... be so... wild and out of control and annoying again.
What's bothering me lately is that...his words don't excite me anymore. I don't feel the nervous flutter in my chest, nor the shallow breaths I take when I see him. Now I just feel so drained. Maybe the passion has finally faded away.
It was pathetic to only feel revitalized with him. I can't rely on anyone to restore my life force. That task goes solely to me.
Oh well. It was a losing battle anyway. Yet I still gave it my all.
I suspect that i'm not schizoaffective i've never lied about my symptoms if anything i've more likely lied about not having a symptom when i had it. but i still am not sure i wonder if it's something else. or it could be i just don't to be i dunno. this really isn't a confession
Im just as excited about seeing pokemon as I am real animals tomorrow. And Im really really excited to see real animals. Like, over the moon excited. I feel like, zoos are horrible place, but I still love them. And I mean, I dunno, maybe they arent horrible. Im not sure... Theres lots of... Questioning in that. I mean, if youve only known one thing- how can you know what you are missing out on. So really in relation to I mean, just their situation, maybe its not that bad. In relation to I mean, all POSSIBLE realities- like living freely, then maybe it is. But I dont know.
Anyways. Im excited to see animals at the zoo like a fricking child I swear. Excited to see pokemon that arent common in my area as well... But actually, yeah, more excited to see the actual animals. And make faces at the monkeys. Thats at the top of my agenda because for some reason I find that really really amusing. Perhaps its a reconnection with 'my people'. Or something. I dont care. Monkeys rock and penguins are even better and the butterflies and the the fucking everything. The beavers and the bears and the giraffes and the reptiles even though snakes terrify me Ive faced it to the point where I can go in the exhibit without COMPLETELY being scared and yeah oh and the polar bears and yes. I cannot wait.
This has gotten really long. Thats ok though. I dont care.
Can't ever sleep. Any time I am about to the void hits again. Realization of what is. What isn't. Failings. Disgust. Unusual beliefs and ideas. Pointless ambitions. My mind scatters into a million bullshit thoughts that drive me to near insanity. I've snapped off and on from it over time. Eating me away. Closing myself off. But it's numb, and rarely is it evident. Analyzed. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. This whole reality I can reflect on, and 'analyze' profusely through the night.. or should I say morning. Given its near 7 am now. Then suddenly, nothingness re-emerges.
Eventually you smirk and chuckle at the absurdity of it all to cover the pain.