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Thread: Confessions

  1. #3031
    Immanentize the Eschaton Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eskimo View Post
    Exactly.

    Well. Im going to add to this that- something kind of sort of completely different...

    Any media- I just cant. I mean, I can and cant at the same time. The more powerful something is for me- the harder time I have looking at it directly.

    Because- in one part... I want to save it. I want that gut punch to stay- As long as it can. Because its something- it feels kind of sort of more- real- good- whole- than just, most everything else.

    So, posts here. Movies. Books. Gifts. Even just, every day greetings. Can be enormous.

    Its never that Im afraid of something bad... Not really usually that... Its that... Im afraid that its going to be something HUGE. Something just so great- I dont want to soil it. It feels, honestly, almost *holy* or somehing. This is so weird.

    Private I guess.

    Its part of why, when I get like this... I usually feel the need to respond when I know... The other person is not online to watch me... Well...

    Yah 9s aren't afraid of other people...they don't avoid conflict/bad because of others...they avoid it because they are afraid of what they might do and destroy if they unleash the beast haha.


    And yes we both have the positive outlook disease. I hate the feeling of seeing something so awesome in a movie or irl even...and I want to go back in time and experience it all over again like I hadn't experienced it before.
    Through every forest, above the trees
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    You are the reason I stay alive
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  2. #3032
    ggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Array Anaximander's Avatar
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    I'm drunk.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Yah 9s aren't afraid of other people...they don't avoid conflict/bad because of others...they avoid it because they are afraid of what they might do and destroy if they unleash the beast haha.


    And yes we both have the positive outlook disease. I hate the feeling of seeing something so awesome in a movie or irl even...and I want to go back in time and experience it all over again like I hadn't experienced it before.
    Can confirm
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  3. #3033
    Waiting to evolve Array Urarienev's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anaximander View Post
    I'm drunk

    Freedom isn't free.

    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate.

    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner


    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Eric

    10w12

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  4. #3034
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anaximander View Post
    I'm drunk.
    I had a wave of envy come over me reading that haha.


    Yah and it's a struggle too I know when someone's bitching at you and they assume you're passive and your like "why am I protecting this sob?" I totally get that frustration
    Through every forest, above the trees
    Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
    I drink the honey inside your hive
    You are the reason I stay alive
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  5. #3035
    Spreadsheet Samurai Array Alaska's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    @Eskimo

    I often have a hard time reading posts when I know they will be good... Much like I have a hard time opening my gifts at Christmas... emails, texts, loving messages for people I care for...opening anything good is hard for me because I need to keep good things in the future. I need to make sure there will always be good things I can access in the future. So weird I confess.
    Haha, I am the opposite of this so much. When seeing a movie or reading a book, I strongly prefer to know how the plot goes beforehand. I sincerely would rather know in advance what I am getting for Christmas; I don't care at all. All the same for as for bad surprises.

    You could say I want as much cleared out of the future as possible, of both the good and the bad. I don't like anything getting ahead of me.
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  6. #3036
    Senior Member Array ñoño's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    @Eskimo

    I often have a hard time reading posts when I know they will be good... Much like I have a hard time opening my gifts at Christmas... emails, texts, loving messages for people I care for...opening anything good is hard for me because I need to keep good things in the future. I need to make sure there will always be good things I can access in the future. So weird I confess.
    Could you explain this more?

    Could it be like, u rather not open a good thing in fear that it will end... avoiding good things? 0_o

    Sometimes I regret doing something.. like watching a movie because I end up obsessed with the character and it hurts almost, so I hate everything about it even myself. Since there's a high and low for everything.
    I guess I hate anything that makes me happy, because it puts me in a vulnerable position.
    I don't trust "positive" things.
    The ones who care, don't understand. And the ones who understand, don't care.
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  7. #3037
    Fabula rasa Array Kas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ñoño View Post
    Could you explain this more, please?

    Could it be like, u rather not open a good thing in fear that it will end... avoiding good things? 0_o

    Sometimes I regret doing something.. like watching a movie because I end up obsessed with the character and it hurts almost, so I hate everything about it even myself.
    There's a high and low for everything. Idk if I'm even making sense.. I don't trust "positive" things, just like how people end up hating their crush. 0_o
    I guess I hate anything that makes me happy, because it puts me in a vulnerable position.
    I think they meant it as evanescence. That there isn't any amazing moment that you can keep forever. Not avoiding good things, but not wanting them to become past.

    I can relate to this, though little differently. Sometimes I prolong things I care about like I sometimes don't want to read the end of beloved book or postpone meetings when they are also goodbyes, but mostly later feeling of loss when good things pass.

    It's interesting what you wrote about vulnerable position
    “The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes." A.C. Doyle


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  8. #3038
    Immanentize the Eschaton Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ñoño View Post
    Could you explain this more?

    Could it be like, u rather not open a good thing in fear that it will end... avoiding good things? 0_o

    Sometimes I regret doing something.. like watching a movie because I end up obsessed with the character and it hurts almost, so I hate everything about it even myself. Since there's a high and low for everything.
    I guess I hate anything that makes me happy, because it puts me in a vulnerable position.
    I don't trust "positive" things.

    Sure! But it looks like you and @Kas got the gist of what I was saying.

    My e7 brain is hard-wired for abundance and subsequently it never occurs to me ...that more awesomeness isn't right around the corner... until it isn't. <-And I was repeatedly traumatized by this mindset when I was a little girl. Like, I was always the first of my siblings to eat all of their Halloween candy and then have to sit and watch them enjoy their stupid ass candy for weeks following all because they weren't distracted by the magic like I was. I was the only one of my siblings that slept under the Christmas tree in order to catch a glimpse of Santa...and had all of their presents unwrapped before my Mom had gotten her camera out of its case. And yes, then I would have to sit and watch my siblings open their stupid ass presents haha.

    My father was always the one to tuck us kids into bed for the night...going from room to room. And I'm not entirely sure in this moment what he would do but he would somehow bounce us so high on our mattress. And it was so fun. I always knew which room he was in when I would hear one of my siblings start laughing really loud. I was the only kid though that repeatedly said "do it again Papa"..."do it again Papa"... until he would eventually say with a smile as if this wasn't totally traumatizing to me... "All good things must come to an end Pumpkin (pronounced Punkin.)" And every time I heard those words I would internally


    I think what I do today is I'm trying to ration the magic. So yes, I'm trying to prove my father wrong...that good things don't end. I feel safe keeping the good things in the future for as long as possible (I know that's hard to understand but yah).

    One of my sisters is e1 and she totally does what you do haha. While I'm hoarding the fun now...she doesn't want it at all. She believes that the fun brings in the bad times.
    Through every forest, above the trees
    Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
    I drink the honey inside your hive
    You are the reason I stay alive
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  9. #3039
    Trick or treat Array Eskimo2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Sure! But it looks like you and @Kas got the gist of what I was saying.

    My e7 brain is hard-wired for abundance and subsequently it never occurs to me ...that more awesomeness isn't right around the corner... until it isn't. <-And I was repeatedly traumatized by this mindset when I was a little girl. Like, I was always the first of my siblings to eat all of their Halloween candy and then have to sit and watch them enjoy their stupid ass candy for weeks following all because they weren't distracted by the magic like I was. I was the only one of my siblings that slept under the Christmas tree in order to catch a glimpse of Santa...and had all of their presents unwrapped before my Mom had gotten her camera out of its case. And yes, then I would have to watch my siblings open their stupid ass presents haha.

    My father was always the one to tuck us kids into bed for the night...going from room to room. And I'm not entirely sure in this moment what he would do but he would somehow bounce us so high on our mattress. And it was so fun. I always knew which room he was in when I would hear one of my siblings start laughing really loud. I was the only kid though that repeatedly said "do it again Papa"..."do it again Papa"... until he would eventually say with a smile as if this wasn't totally traumatizing to me... "All good things must come to an end Pumpkin (pronounced Punkin.)" And every time I heard those words I would internally


    I think what I do today is I'm trying to ration the magic. So yes, I'm trying to prove my father wrong...that good things don't end. I feel safe keeping the good things in the future for as long as possible (I know that's hard to understand but yah).

    One of my sisters is e1 and she totally does what you do haha. While I'm hoarding the fun now...she doesn't want it at all. She believes that the fun brings in the bad times.
    So funny though. Because I feel as if I can relate to the 1 thing as well. I can be so absorbed but I know that... It will only last so long. And then Imma end up on the other end of it eventually- and think- WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!? And so sometimes delay inevitably... Something I know I will enjoy. Because I KNOW whats going to happen- Im going to hate myself and beat myself up over it and thats just... Not good.

    So its why I watch trash. Nothing that can engage me or... Pull me away. And then suckerpunch me back to a new beginning where I have NOTHING except my own regret for ever getting go the end.

    And its... Grey. But it isnt black.


    Its funny- but not.


    Anyways, yeah. Posts are... I dont tend to treat them like that. The cycling within the cycle of my obsession with the site is... Too rapidly paced.

    But I am going to confess... At times... I might occasionally miss something entirely.

    I try not to, I feel bad doing it. And it is never like I forget about it- not really- its just sometimes I am so tired. And its hard to muster up the gusto and the balls to... Go through my cycling, how I read really... Important to me posts, once again.
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  10. #3040
    Immanentize the Eschaton Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eskimo View Post
    So funny though. Because I feel as if I can relate to the 1 thing as well. I can be so absorbed but I know that... It will only last so long. And then Imma end up on the other end of it eventually- and think- WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!? And so sometimes delay inevitably... Something I know I will enjoy. Because I KNOW whats going to happen- Im going to hate myself and beat myself up over it and thats just... Not good.

    So its why I watch trash. Nothing that can engage me or... Pull me away. And then suckerpunch me back to a new beginning where I have NOTHING except my own regret for ever getting go the end.

    And its... Grey. But it isnt black.


    Its funny- but not.


    Anyways, yeah. Posts are... I dont tend to treat them like that. The cycling within the cycle of my obsession with the site is... Too rapidly paced.

    But I am going to confess... At times... I might occasionally miss something entirely.

    I try not to, I feel bad doing it. And it is never like I forget about it- not really- its just sometimes I am so tired. And its hard to muster up the gusto and the balls to... Go through my cycling, how I read really... Important to me posts, once again.

    I will confess that I accidentally got into The Bachelor in Paradise. That was so hard for me to type...and now I'm going to attempt submitting it.
    Through every forest, above the trees
    Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
    I drink the honey inside your hive
    You are the reason I stay alive
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