Day in the life of Falcarius by Diplo.
Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring... Falcarius alarm goes off. 'Shut the hell up,' Falcarius cries ' give me just five minutes longer to lay in'. Falcarius climbs out of his bed and searches on his desk for his VOIP phone, so he can turn off his bloody alarm. Eventually, he finds the phone and smacks it a few times to shut the darn thing up. The alarm stops and Falcarius goes back to bed. Ten minutes later his other alarm on his mobile phone goes off, so he climbs out of bed again, he turned the alarm off and looked at the time; it says 8:25 AM. But Falcarius remembers he keeps at his timepieces ten minutes fast, as he has serious procrastinating problems, so he knows it must really be 8:15AM.
Falcarius then goes next door in to the bathroom to have a shower, he spends about three quarter of an hour in there,
as he is a closeted narcissistic. He has to make sure everything from his hair to his clothing looks perfect. To this day I am still unsure why the hell he cares so much about his hair and clothing, as he seems to spend most of his time self-confined to his bedroom.
After his shower Falcarius makes himself some breakfast, comprising of two bit of toast and two toasted cheeses sandwiches. He took his breakfast up to his room to eat. Falcarius turned his shuttle XPC on, and logs on to the internet, by which point it is just past 9 AM. Falcarius spend around two hours surfing the internet; mainly BBC, MBTI, and various other websites. He also put some music on his computer.
At around 11 AM Falcarius make himself a baguette, and eats it while he changes through the cable channels. Eventually, he decided to watch the second part of a documentary called 'Inside 9/11', sadly he missed the first part. After it was over he decided to go into town.
Falcarius walked several miles from his house and into town. He cut through a park next to a catholic school and he noticed some random group of boys pop out of some bush in the park. One of the boys asked Falcarius if he had a lighter. Falcarius said he did not; he would not have even give him one if he did. Falcarius asked the boy if he thought it was a bit homoerotic to hang out in bushes with other teenage boys. The boy gave Falcarius some odd gesticulations of distaste. Falcarius decided to walk away with a rather humorous expression of face, as he could not help feeling the lack of dexterity in children these days.
As he understandably got tired after walking four miles Falcarius decided to to sit on a bench opposite Christ Church Meadow. He watched the narrowboats, canoes, and punts go on by, while imaging what it would be like if the the world stopped spinning around. When he was sitting down on the bench he noticed a pound coin, in the dust under the bench, he picked up and put it in his pocket. He must have stopped stationary for 15 minutes, and then he took the short walk into town by which point it was around 1:30 PM.
Falcarius then went into the health store to get a vegetarian sausage roll and pasty. While he was in the shop he noticed a cute girl who he never seen working there before. After he went to the health store he went to the newsagent. He bought a chocolate bar and a packet of crisps, with the pound he found. He told the shopkeeper he could keep the change. Then he took a 20 minute walk; past a theatre, past the railway station, and stopped when he got to some random bridge in the road. He picked up a few stones from the adjacent churchyard, and proceeded to throw the stones in the water under the bridge. After he had thrown the second stone, some tramp came out from under bridge and wanted to know what the hell Falcarius was doing. Falcarius said he had a present for him. The tramp came out from under the bridge, and asked Falcarius how he knew he would be under there. So Falcarius told him the about the time he was in a multi-storey car park the other month, and he thought that a tramp was chasing him so he could steal his money or something, when really the tramp just wanted someone to talk to as he was feeling lonely. Falcarius remembered three things about the tramp. Firstly, he was into French philosophy; Montaigne, Descartes, Bergson, Camus, Sartre and so on. Secondly, the fact he said he "lived" under a bridge near the railway station. And Finally, the fact the tramp told Falcarius his favourite literature quote was by R. L Stevenson:
My life is but a travesty and slander on myself.
I have lived to belie my nature. All men do; all men are
better than this disguise that grows about and stifles them.
You see each dragged away by life, like one whom
bravos have seized and muffled in a cloak.
If they had their own control-if you could see their faces,
they would be altogether different,
they would shine out for heroes and saints!
I am worse than most; myself is more overlaid; my excuse is known to me and God. But, had I the time, I could disclose myself.
The tramp realised Falcarius was talking about him. Falcarius gave him the chocolate bar and the packet of crisps, and went on his way.
Falcarius decided to go to University Parks. He walked past the cricket ground and pavilion, around the duck pond that has water lilies and a small island in the middle, and then decided to go up Rainbow Bridge so he could get a better view of the birds in the Cherwell. He must have been standing on top of the Bridge for five minutes, when American man and lady asked him if he could take a picture of the on the Bridge; So he took their photograph. Falcarius then decide to go to the Mesopotamia as he has not been there for a while. The last time he went there he got excited by a sign on the gate.
Mesopotamia will be closed
while essential works are carried
out to the sluice gate walls.
Our apologies for any inconvenience caused,
we will re-open as soon as possible
Walter Sawyer, Superintendents of the Oxford University Parks.
Falcarius is silly, and thought it was saying there was going to be a pull out of the 'real' Mesopotamia between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, so essential rebuilding works could be carried out, but sadly it was only wishful thinking.
Falcarius decided to read his book, 'One Hundred Years of Solitude' by Gabriel Garcia Marques, on the bench on the green space next to the the punt rollers and weir at the Mesopotamia. The bench said it was in memory of a boy who died, he was only 15 years old. It made Falcarius sad as it made him think of think of kalpie . Falcarius was sitting there for about half an hour, before a family got off on the punt rollers to have a rest and to have a picnic. The lady sat next to Falcarius and here husband sat on the grass, on the cushion from the punt, next to her. Their son was playing with the 16 foot aluminium pole and their daughter with the paddle for the punt. There daughter made Falcarius laugh as she started smacking the hell out a cigarette packet someone left on the floor. But Falcerus did not much like her brother as he nearly decapitated him with aluminium pole, he started walking backward with it and was not looking where he was going. Six year olds and therizinosauroid dinosaurs sitting down tend to be the same height. The lady offered Falcarius a Bakewell tart, he did not really want it but he thought it would be rude to refuse. They stayed for around 20 minutes, when they went the man said to Falcarius they were leaving the little boy's trousers to dry, as he had washed them in the water as they had got muddy, and would get them later. Falcarius stayed about half an hour longer, by which point it was some time after 3 PM.
Falcarius decided to go to the pub, he does not usually go into the pub he went in when he is in town. He did not want to go to the pub he usually goes to, as the last time he went to a pub in the centre of Oxford he got kicked out; he was drunk and kept ringing the bell. Anyway, Falcarius went to get himself a drink. Falcarius tells the random Irish guy behind bar about why his ex-girlfriend parents hate him. 'One day I went round to my now ex-girlfriends house, and she was taking ages to get ready as women do. So there I was sitting on the sofa, minding by own business. Then out of the blue, her younger brother, who was about 5 years old, asked me what sex was.' Falcarius said. At this point, the guy behind the bar looks at Falcarius as he was an paedophile. ' I did not know what to say, so I told him it was when two people who love each other sit on the beach, while watching the sun go down and the waves wash over them. The only problem is he now keeps asking his mother when they are going to have sex.' The guy behind the bar thought Falcarius was joking, but he was telling the truth. Falcarius went off and sat next to the window. Falcarius started to wonder what it would be like if he were Bonnie Prince Charlie. Falcarius thinks he has much in common with Bonnie Prince Charlie; they both have a taste for fine arts, music, liked reading, and are complete utter relationship failures. Falcarius picks up the newspaper on the table. He read about ten pages before deciding there is only one thing worse than a Rupert Murdoch newspaper and that is Viscount Rothermere owned newspaper. Falcarius started to think the people in the pub looked so slimy one could easily misinterpret them for porpoises. They made feathery Falcarius feel real malapropos by this point; So he left.
Falcarius took the bus home. It was around 6 PM when he got back home. He turned his computer on, and goes on the internet for a while. Falcarius spent an hour and half drawing, and then he made himself dinner. After his dinner Falcarius spent another few hours drawing. He then read his book for another hour before going back on internet until he went to bed.
Falcarius originally tried to get to asleep at 1 AM. Falcarius put the radio on as he has an overactive imagination. The guy on talk radio, or was it the presenter, anyway he was taking some much crap about how they thought disable people should not be able to eat in restaurants, as they made him feel unconformable. Falcarius turned the radio off.
Falcarius woke up at around 3 AM, as he had a nightmare in which he was around 7 years old, he was being chased around his old school by some old man, and Falcarius hid under the wooden terrapin. Falcarius has been having the same nightmare on-and-off for the last 15 years. Falcarius decided to go downstairs to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. Falcarius got to asleep again twenty minutes past three.