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  1. #11
    your resident asshole
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    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    In your case do you consider everyone an 'acquaintance' by default even though a third party might objective consider some of them to be 'friends'? I've met people who do the opposite: everybody is a 'friend' by default, even though their 'friendship' is tenuous at best and most people would consider them acquaintances.
    It's hard to say. I suppose that some people might think I actually have friends, but as someone who is not an objective third party, I wouldn't know.

    In my case I don't think I have any problems differentiating between friends and acquaintances, I simply don't have many friends. This is so mostly because I either: 1) stay distant and don't let friendships grow or, 2) reflexively push friends away if I feel they're getting too 'close'.
    That's weird. I seem to do the same thing, but I don't know why. You say it because you think they'd be better off without you. I wish I knew my reason. It's hard because I really do want friends.

    The part of me that gets confused over whether or not I am an acquaintance or a friend with someone is when I've known them for a while. For example, I've known, seen, and communicated with certain people at least weekly for seven years. We went through highs and lows together, but I very rarely hung out at their houses. Plus then the only people left for me to consider to be friends are my family...

    In case you're wondering, I knew these people through an extra-curricular.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    That's weird. I seem to do the same thing, but I don't know why. You say it because you think they'd be better off without you. I wish I knew my reason. It's hard because I really do want friends.

    It's complicated, that's for sure. My feelings about it are somewhere between thinking they'd be better off without me, thinking I wouldn't be a particularly good friend and thinking they wouldn't really like me if they got to know me better so I might as well save us both the trouble.

    The part of me that gets confused over whether or not I am an acquaintance or a friend with someone is when I've known them for a while. For example, I've known, seen, and communicated with certain people at least weekly for seven years. We went through highs and lows together, but I very rarely hung out at their houses.
    Sheesh, I don't even talk to people I consider 'friends' weekly. I've gone a couple months or more without any contact. By that criteria I may not have any friends at all.

  3. #13
    your resident asshole
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    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    It's complicated, that's for sure. My feelings about it are somewhere between thinking they'd be better off without me, thinking I wouldn't be a particularly good friend and thinking they wouldn't really like me if they got to know me better so I might as well save us both the trouble.
    Man, that must suck. I have absolutely zero suggestions.

    Sheesh, I don't even talk to people I consider 'friends' weekly. I've gone a couple months or more without any contact. By that criteria I may not have any friends at all.
    As I said, I was in contact with these people through an extra-curricular that I was a part of for a significant amount of time. Beyond that, I didn't hang out with them. But I suppose we did "bond" in a way after all those years.

    Here's another one for you...When you see people you know, do you purposely try to avoid eye-contact and essentially pretend you don't notice them?

  4. #14
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I like this Osho quote:

    Quote Originally Posted by Osho
    Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.
    I know some would disagree with this and make a reasonable argument about give and take, but in the end it may be better to just give, show some kindness without having conditions connected to it.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    Man, that must suck. I have absolutely zero suggestions.


    Something I'm slowly working through.


    Here's another one for you...When you see people you know, do you purposely try to avoid eye-contact and essentially pretend you don't notice them?
    No, I don't do that. If I recognize someone I see in a crowd I'll say hello. My problem is I'm usually so oblivious that I don't notice.

  6. #16
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Yeah, I don't know what it is either... I mean, I don't actually approach friendship in such a conscious manner... But I am starting to think that there is no such thing as friendship (or a real relationship with another human being). The only relationship I am truly meant to have is with myself. I say this because it's pretty easy for me to detach from people (or at least I think I can). I mean, I used to have like 3 friends that I hung out with every day (in high school, where you're forced to do that, but we talked A LOT on IM). But now that I don't have to see them (we go to different colleges), I don't contact them at all and when I do, it's not with the same intensity as it used to be (they were used to be like puppies I could play with anytime we saw each other). But now I feel as if we never even knew each other. I can barely remember the good times we had together. I can barely remember the thoughts we shared and I don't have a real desire to connect with them. It's almost as if I don't care about them. They were the closest thing I've ever had to a "friendship", though. Anyway, although there are a lot of people who I am friendly with (when I am forced to see them or something similar) and I do stuff with (like homework, going out to eat, having personal talks with)... I can't say I have a friend. It's funny because there have been at least 4 people who've told me they consider me a friend... if they were reading this I'd say "I am sorry, but I can't say the same to you" ...It's like no matter how much I share myself with another person it pulls me farther and farther away ...and I already felt distant from the start.

    It's even funnier for me because I do get jealous of the friendship between my two former friends (we were all four of us were bffs throughout high school ...but one dropped off because she doesn't have time for the rest of us ...we're slow pokes when it comes to living life and she likes to go go go ...I don't mind though ...I dropped off because I just don't care anymore). It's like I don't want friends ...but then I get jealous of those who do have them.

    Sometimes, though, I meet amazing people and I want to be friends with them... but I don't like the word friend. They're more like story tellers. I feel like a four year old who is engrossed in the most magical piece of fiction and I want the story teller (aka potential friend) to guide me through the story. But then a lot of the time I end up disenchanted and I suddenly don't connect with them anymore and I start to ignore them. That's why it's easier to not have friends.

  7. #17
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    This thread is interesting to me... so interesting I almost feel weird responding in it haha (which is totally why I'm doing it). I know via experience how rare it is that someone agrees with something I've said or shares a similar opinion... Although I thought friendship would be a subject where I would experience some more common ground but maybe not (?) haha. I could write endlessly on the importance of friendship...which may be a function of my enneagram placement rather than sentiments I share with damn near everyone like I would have imagined - idk. For it is true, the original e7...the philosopher Epicurus...spoke endlessly on the virtues of possessing dear friends. Here are a couple of quotes by him from the manuscripts called the "Vatican Sayings"

    Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is friendship. -Epicurus
    Friendship dances around the world bidding us all to awaken to the recognition of happiness. -Epicurus

    Friendship needs to be a large part if not the foundation of every close relationship in my life...or all I'll ever present with is whatever 'role' I've decided is best to play in order to successfully navigate the interactions I'm forced to have with the individual. And it's not necessarily like the roles are inauthentic...to the contrary...I imagine many people will believe me to be quite candid when playing a role. But the truth of it is I'm very much tucked way back inside. For me it is not fear...like I've read other people talk about the desire to guard themselves against individuals that may take advantage of them if they were to reveal too much in the spirit of friendship (I may be too confident in my abilities to either sustain and/or defend myself against that kind of thing.) No, for me it's due to: 1.) I know no other way of being other than *friend* (first & foremost) and if that will not be met in kind I must to go on 'role autopilot' because... 2.) There's just no meaning in it for me without the bond of true friendship. For me to completely come down from out of my head and exist in the moment with another person (<--which is so vital to my well-being btw)…I need it to mean something…and the only way it will mean something is if there is the level of love and honesty that only friendship can provide.

    You know, I am obviously not unique in my attitudes regarding friendship...as I just recalled Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30…and just went and grabbed it. It is an interesting thing to consider… how so many scholars either credit or blame Shakespeare for literally creating *Romance*…as we experience and understand it today with all its passion and insanity and restraining orders… And yet Sonnet 30, a piece on the mercy born of friendship, is widely known/considered to be Shakespeare’s most famous work. I imagine the only way that level of esteem could manifest…for one relatively short Sonnet…was if Shakespeare hit a full-on bull’s-eye… If Shakespeare was able to capture and eloquently say…precisely the same sentiments millions of individuals across a span of history held as Truth... on the nature and essence of friendship. In the end though...all I can really say is that Sonnet 30 gets it entirely right for me.


    When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
    I summon up remembrance of things past,
    I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
    And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
    Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
    For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
    And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
    And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:
    Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
    And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
    The sad account of fore-bemoanèd moan,
    Which I new pay as if not paid before.
    But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
    All losses are restored and sorrows end.

    -Shakespeare

  8. #18
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Friendship you can see, when you really need it
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  9. #19
    SingSmileShine
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    I think friendship is, by definition, pretty simple. Two people who share mutual respect and like and care for one another. But of course it is experienced much differently.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    One of the most beautiful descriptors of a loving platonic friendship I've ever read is that of Fitz and the Fool from Robin Hobb's Realm of the Elderlings series. I think that's the kind of deep and lasting friendship we all dream of yet never deserve and rarely find.
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

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