Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking: "Ah, fuck, another thread about how some loser's life is in shambles." But just hear me out.
My life may not be falling apart at the moment, but it has major potential to, especially in the future. You might say "Oh, that's how every adolescent feels at their age." But at least they have something in the tank to be proud of. Anything. Directly or indirectly related or associated with them. I don't. Again, "that's what they say". But they likely don't go through the process of self reflection excessively like I have. And if they do, they probably don't look at things rationally. I mean, the best thing about me might be my stamina. I've been through shit that is abnormally bad compared to what other adolescents go through, things that weren't even in my control.
Ok. Enough of that. Let's go down the list, shall we?
Complete lack of motivation and depression, resulting in moderate to severe cases of apathy.
For the past three years, I have been depressed, often swinging from depressive bursts to feeling alright, thanks to a traumatic situation I was in for three years, which caused me to miss school. I won't get into that, since that will throw me into an entirely different tangent that I don't feel like delving into (a tangent inside a tangent, or a sub-tangent). I can't focus on anything, and interests that I had in the past have faded. Any interest that I have now (like personality theory) is just abstract, or for abstract purposes only, and can't really be applied to reality, thus only taking up my time. However, there's one thing that really kills me...
Loneliness is one of the biggest sources, or the central source, for apathy.
Any friends I do have view me as an afterthought, or just don't talk to me anymore. Actually, fuck that, I have no friends. Yeah, you can say "who needs them?" but they can be a support system that you can fall back on, whenever you feel worthless. It's pretty sparse in my case. And....I have never been in a relationship before. Yup. In my eighteen years of existence, it's simply never happened. Yes, I have gone to a private school that is more guy-oriented for the majority of my education span, so that plays a role. But, a nagging part of me is really hungry, curious, and wants to experience love. It's the last thing I need right now, I know. I shouldn't be focusing on it so much. But the nagging part of me wants it so bad, I daydream about hypothetical situations involving "love", to the point where I create fantasy girls in my head. It simply throws me off track. Yeah, it's that pathetic. Intuition can be both a blessing and a curse. Thing is, my chances finding a romantic partner are pretty slim, because of another problem...
Putting people I like on pedestals, and holding people to high standards based on my ideals.
I guess this safely puts me in the "idealist" category (hell, the title smells like Fi). This assumes that it will be very hard to find a romantic partner, relationship or even friend. Especially when you mix in the adolescent hormonal phase, so of course I focus on if I'm attracted to that person or not first, then dive inwards to check if their personality covers ideals that are strong enough for me to consider them. But time to get rational; I'm not saying a girl has to be perfect for me in any way for me to like them. Everyone will have their flaws, and the chances of finding them definitely increase the more you get to know someone. It's just that I want someone to share ideals that wash away their flaws, overall making them a decent person. Problem is, some of these ideals are so advanced that most girls might not be able to match some of them. And even if they did, they probably wouldn't go for a guy like me! Leading to yet another problem...
I am a dull, lacking, inadequate human being.
In other words, there is little that is interesting about me, and I have barely anything interesting to talk about. People I find interesting usually don't find me interesting back, either as a romantic interest or a friend. I mean, here and there there have been some girls online that have had interest in me, but I wasn't interested and just pursued them in friend mode, which, well, didn't go so well. I am very likely socially awkward. Fuck, one of my "friends" told me I was about two years ago. Depression has depleted all of my interests, and I basically have to start from scratch. Personality theory could be a step, but most people my age could give a shit about that. In order to attract well-minded people my age, I have to have a balanced interest and knowledge base. Music is one of my huge prospects in the future, but I can't jump start it because I'm still not in an ideal position yet, so I can't buy musical equipment. I live in an house-apartment complex, so I can't get an acoustic drum kit. But most of all, I will feel comfortable with myself if I match my ideals. I am so insecure that I have to have an ideal version of, well...pretty much anything! I don't want to conform to the majority of the crowd who would rather smoke weed until they look like a fucking retard or drink until their speech resembles someone with down syndrome, "fuck bitches" or party dancing to overgenerated psuedo-musical dreck topped with mindless lyrics pertaining to slang. People that center their lives around this are just...worthless, in my eyes. This problem is also linked to loneliness, which demotivates me, linking to apathy. So I'm swimming against the current, trying to better myself, and create a balanced life. I'm fucking sick of it. And yeah, you guessed it, there is another problem that is blocking me from achieving this...
A combination of five disorders and cognitive insecurities.
ADHD. PTSD. Depression. Social anxiety. And one more I was dXed with at age 4, that I feel very insecure about mentioning, due to societies mostly ignorant approach to it. Fuck, the weird thing about the latter is that I don't fit a lot of the key components of the criteria for it. People would never guess I have it, mainly from first glance (and by that, I mean if you're acquainted). And it seems very sketchy, considering ADHD and anxiety combined can mirror some components of the criteria. But, still, five disorders! What a fucking mess. Of course I'm going to be a loser from scratch thanks to these. Not to mention, I have gotten closer to figuring out my personality type. It seems like I have high Ne, thus I am leaning ENFP at the moment (though I would also consider INFP with well developed-Ne). I certainly put up a strong introverted front. As much as I love Ne and what it can do, it...can be a mess sometimes. It can lead me to paranoia, daydream about stupid shit, and throw me off balance. And, if I am indeed ENFP.....bleh! The type just doesn't seem to resonate with the way I want to be at all, and I don't know how I'd be able to attain my ideal self if I am NeFi. It just seems weird. I want to be a rational, philosophical, mentally secure, idea-generating, knowledgeable person with a sense of humor, who can achieve goals that pertain to ideals of mine. But these disorders keep getting me off track. I can't comprehend anything, thanks to poor focus. I have even considered the possibility of having a learning disability. Yeah, I missed middle school, and didn't pay attention in three years of high school, so that just assumes that I haven't put my mind to anything. And going back to the unnamed disorder - this past summer I got really paranoid about it and did research on it, fucked me up for a day...and now I feel like I have a part of me that I have to keep a secret, dig deep and bury this secret, and hope no one sees it. I create theories about this disorder, one theory that was dripping with paranoia, to the point where it reeked of ignorance, leading me to re-consider my thoughts. I've gotten that insecure about myself, and that breeds...
I'm afraid to do things that other people can do with ease or little effort. Sometimes I'm even more afraid to return something at a store or scheduling an appointment somewhere I've never been before, than participating in a conversation with someone. Because I simply don't know what to do. I'm an uber-perfectionist. One little mistake sets me off into a mental tangent where my overthinking kicks into full blast. I have to mentally prepare myself for certain events in my life, and if I feel like I have nothing, I avoid it. This, in turn, forces me into a state where I have nothing going for me, and just sit alone in my room on my laptop writing this bullshit.
I remember the days when I was young, I wanted to do this or that with my life; meteorologist, storm chaser, CIA, veterinarian, whatever - I just wanted to have a job I was happy with, based off of an intense interest. Now, I'm not really interested in much. It's forced me to attend a technical school part-time, which I started attending about a year and a half ago. Hmm....I didn't like culinary arts. That was boring. So this year I switched to IT/computer networking, figuring that I always wanted to know how to troubleshoot computers. Boom, apathy kicks in, and I'm just not feeling it. But I realize that job opportunity, how great it is, the money that can come out of it, and that knowledge...I want to attain it in the future. I don't want to be stuck working some shitty part time job for most of college, well, fuck, if I even get there. I can make a decent living off of this shit, it can support my education, and could also lead me to other ideals. It's killing me though, so far, I'm just not interested, and I'm forcing myself into it, like shoving a pillar up a camels ass. It's fucking killing me. It sucks knowing that it's gotten to the point where I will probably be working a job I don't like for about 10+ years.
I'm seeking solutions and algorithms that can fix or alleviate this bullshit. But none pique my interest, or anxiety has the upper hand. I'm losing my mind. Also, if you look at this pathetic list, it almost looks like it could be a cycle. And yes, sometimes it indeed does act as a cycle. More like this: Intuition -> depression -> loneliness -> daydreams -> ideals -> disorders -> feeling of worthlessness -> anxiety -> apathy -> intuition. Rinse and repeat.
Fuck it. Fuck it all. Things must change.