I have lots of things I don't or at least didn't like about myself.
I'm slowly trying to come to terms with and solve them. But the main one is cowardice.
I keep thinking that if I expose myself to elements that make me nervous and which I am sensitive to, it will help me absorb the information and become more confident. But I've realised that for me, at least, it doesn't work like that. Putting your hand in a fire repeatedly doesn't really ease the fact you are getting burnt. Instead you need to know what gloves to put on in order to deal with the fire and what's more, understand the fire and your reaction to it.
Conflict is a big one for me, I hate, absolutely hate, when I want to air an issue I have with a person but I don't know how to do it beyond either suppressing it or burning that bridge in a blaze of misplaced glory. It's mainly about my own comfort rather than other peoples, I'm not trying to keep people happy after all. It's reactionary, emotional and oh so dumb...so incredibly dumb. But my interpersonal skills are actually very poor, the amount of times I've considered a social interaction to have gone ok, only to have another come up to me, (or the person I interacted with myself), and tell me that I upset them is quite hard to count. Either that or it ends in physical confrontation, but that's rare these days.
I also don't have many other skills to fall back on, I have ideas perhaps but ones which are largely either misunderstood or dismissed, possibly with good reason. But dismissal and misunderstanding without any kind of discussion or debate, it's like a form starvation and it's a nightmare, with no way to bring that back to others in a communicative form. I am also no logical powerhouse, (obvious), or that analytical, it can often take me a long time to understand bodies of information, until I can grasp it as a whole and then for a brief time I'm elated, but only briefly.
I think there is a transference issue as well, my dad had, (or rather still has), a fairly nightmarish temper, one which comes home and smashes up the house because it's had a bad day, or lost it's car keys. I believe I transferred how this affected me as a small child into my anger at school and in my youth. My mum believes I was just like that from birth, but I think that's a ridiculous way to perceive the influences that drive and create us. Which isn't to say I don't feel responsible, merely that it goes towards explaining my nature.
It has been noted by an enormous amount of people that I am not sure of myself and this is true, but what they seem to miss is that my uncertainty comes from certainty, a certainty of not really knowing. A certainty so many are afraid to admit exists, because it would undermine the shallow identities they have built for themselves, built on a foundation of belief and assumption.
I hate that I spent so long trying to conform to a program laid out for me as being the one that would make me happy, but I don't want what a lot of other people around me appear to want. I don't want status, or big cars, or monetary success, or the best looking house, or the most important job position, or the most attractive partner, or the most trophies.
And I don't want to be MADE happy, I want it to happen as a consequence, as a little reaction to doing things I enjoy with people I like. So I hate that I am struggling to change the program, change it to something I enjoy and that I want, which would give me purpose and amusing surprise.