Often I am asked in my life for the reason why I did a certain thing. Nearly always the answer doesnt come to me. Instead of having the perfect masterplan, able to put a risky ball, I stand and wonder. People then look at me in total surprise or disgust and ask me, whether I havent thought about the thing before doing it. And why I am doing it nevertheless ? They seem to be fueled by an endless curiosity for the pattern of my motivations, which have to be linear.
I wonder what great discoveries we already could have made with this kind of curiosity put to the right use.
Then, when the conversation has become awkward, the question of my self-organisation is questioned. Since I wasnt able to answer why I just bought a red tomato, the logical conclusion must be that I am totally disorganized. Most probably my home is dirty and the neverending dream of having a tombstone that reads "always paid his bills on time" lurks further out of reach. But wait ! He has a wife so she prolly cares for him. Without the wife, he'ld be a mess, because he has no reasons for buying red tomatoes.
Is the existence of things defined by how much we can justify them ?
You wonder about the intercolutor being your age. He has about the same education like you have, a similiar past... he seems nice but is that really so ? You look deeper and break the ice barrier calling itself the social face and you see glimpses of a past fundamentally different than yours. You mean no disrespect but you find it boring. You have the feeling as if this guy never really lived, but just fulfilled some kind of function. You could be ok with that, if he just hadnt mortified your childhood that you told openly to him.
You start to take a look around and start to see small lights and antennas behind peoples ears.
Its a strange sensation, when the concious mind gains control of your normal state. The world becomes clear and you start to notice details, like someone would have cleaned the window. You form connections like a detective on a bad ether trip and start to see that its all somehow connected. Are you Truman ? Is this a test ? Are they out to get me ? Why did he just say exactly that, you knew he would say that. Is that a trick ? Are you insane ?
Its an interchanging mix of great paranoia and a grave sense of loneliness that occupy you.
The realization that all the world has a masterplan that their lifes from moment alpha to moment omega are engineered towards the smallest bit. You wonder if that was the price you'ld have to pay to lead a successful life. But your mind fights the urge to accept that. Its like a struggle between the good and the nothing. You think back about great realisations you had about life on an actual ether trip. You are happy and proud of what you have achieved. But here, just right now in this World, none of this does earn you respect, but only laughter.
You wonder if the reason of the need to have a logical reason for everything stems from the fear of making a wrong decision.
And then you replace hypothesis with facts. You look at those engineered lifes and you see no risks, no self responsibility, no dreams, no revolution, no future, no anything... You do not understand why they havent killed themselves yet. You start to see those zombie faces everywhere and your cage is shrinking and you struggle for breath. The dream to real world ratio has become one to one billion. You loose your distant self-conciousness and turn into an ameba on the run.
And you wonder where your dreams have gone..
There was a time when I cursed myself for having spent so much of my childhood in a dream world and not with engineering my future. Then there was a time in which I felt superior cause I have seen how much the robots missed. Nowadays I curse myself again, for not being part of them, cause I hate to be alone. I have tried to change a dozens times but I fail. Its like we'ld speak two different languages. Everybody seems to have the urge to show me that I am not normal in every waking second.
And I can see the dead bodies of unnormal people they left lieing everywhere.
I reamin wondering what the masterplan of my unconciousness might be. So far it has protected me from reality but now it has thrown me right into it. Its an acid test I'll have to survive or I'll have to escape. To another place searching for people to understand me.