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  1. #21
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tigerlily View Post
    Are you someone who can't let go of things, or are you able/willing to let bygones be bygones

    Also, what type(s) are likely to be grudge holders?
    Is holding a grudge the same as cutting a person completely out of your life and having nothing to do with them ever again, despite their wishes?

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  2. #22
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    This is an entertaining question.. I'm not sure how I am anymore.

    There are some slights that cannot be ignored for me anymore. I do hold grudges very quickly in the sense that I do not forget.
    Example: If I loan someone money, and they don't pay that money back, I'll never loan them money again. Ever. I will help them out in other ways, and I don't begrudge them a friendship entirely, but that aspect will be forever changed.

    But grudges/anger to the point of never talking to someone again? It's happened a few occasions.. Usually a steady stream of slights building up over time, with one big incident pushing it all over the edge. Even if I cannot remember all the things they did to me, or if I am not angry at them anymore (anger tends to lose its fire with time), I will still hold that grudge and not intend on speaking to them anymore.

    I think I used to be much more forgiving.. but I've come to a point in my life where I am not only comfortable with who I am, but I've come to realize I have a few awesome, high quality friends and family in my life. I do not require more people in my life, though I enjoy getting new people.. but that's also caused me to have higher standards. If you are someone take advantage of my friendship somehow, or if you are not really of much use to me as a friend (i.e. you didnt act like a friend before, but now you're trying to make amends..) I'm less likely to be agreeable and forgive and forget, because I simply feel like I don't need more people. There are plenty of awesome people entering my life that have never wronged me, and I don't really see the point in trying so hard with someone that didn't put in much effort when there's plenty of great people to work with already and new people that I don't even know to put effort into.

    Example: I went to war with a guy and we acted like brother and sister. We were close, and we cared for each other in a family sort of sense. We were there for each other. But he got into some trouble at home, and I tried to help, to offer help, to be supportive and be there.. and when he started slighting me, breaking promises and his word, taking from me without returning, and generally taking advantage of our friendship I told him don't even bother talking to me anymore. 4 years later, he messaged me saying he felt really bad about the way he had acted back then, and that he wanted to try and repair the relationship we had. But we'd never honestly have that sort of relationship again. I didn't need him in my life, and I'd already healed from the pain he had caused me.. Why try to throw some potential drama into the mix now? I was getting along fine, and apparently so was he, so I told him I wished him the best and to go on with his life without me. We'd had good times, but those were gone now, and I'd like to just keep the memories of when he was good and be satisfied with that.
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  3. #23
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nijntje View Post
    Is holding a grudge the same as cutting a person completely out of your life and having nothing to do with them ever again, despite their wishes?
    No I don't think so. You can still hold a grudge but these are two different things to me.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  4. #24
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
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    Well, I mean, I'm not technically holding a grudge against my step dad, as I honestly can't bring myself to care that much, but I probably won't talk to him again.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  5. #25
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    I'm a hell of a grudge holder with any sort of betrayal. I don't forgive and I don't forget.
    With other shortcomings, not at all.

  6. #26
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    This reflects how I operate, more or less. I let little things go more easily than most people, I think (and I've had feedback to that effect.) On the other hand, there are people who have badly hurt my feelings or caused real damage in some way who I have literally never forgiven. That usually involves feeling more or less active hostility toward them for months or years, and eventually it settles into a kind of neutral indifference tinged with dislike. At that point I still don't want them back in my life.

    So yeah. I kind of am a grudge holder or I have been in a big way on some occasions. It does cause damage. Perhaps it can help you protect yourself from toxic people up to a point, but with those very occasional, really extreme cases it goes too far and can really hurt me. It also goes against my principles. I haven't found the solution, yet.
    This! Yes! I generally let things go easily, but there are a few people that will always be on my dislike list because they hurt me too deeply and I can't let go of that. Of course, they are all people that I was not terribly fond of in the first place, so there were no positive experiences afterward to make up for the bad ones.
    Something Witty

  7. #27
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    Not really. I do forgive but don't forget. Bygones may be bygones but there also comes a time to discontinue relationships that bring more harm than good.
    This.
    I forgive easily, just because it requires less effort than the alternative. If it's a serious offence, I'll still exact revenge though. I like a balanced scorecard.
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  8. #28
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I don't hold grudges in the sense of actively thinking about and harboring ill feelings towards people for indefinite lengths of time; it's not worth the mental dischord it would cause for me. I need to be able to reach peace and move onwards.

    That said, I have no qualms moving forward and not having people in my life any longer if the relationship has dissipated or if it was really unbalanced or negative in the first place. They just cease being on my radar.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #29
    Mojibake sprinkles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I have trouble holding a grudge, except in a few very special cases I've noticed with myself (where I've felt extremely betrayed by someone after flexing and flexing a great deal for them). The thing is that all the other person would have to do would be to apologize sincerely and I'd be over it.

    I typically cannot force myself to maintain a grudge, which is frustrating when I feel I should try to hold onto anger in order to protect myself adequately in the future from people who have done me harm. It also means that people I really dislike parts of, I still naturally drift into being on good terms with if there is no overt conflict to partake of... again, kind of annoying. It's not that I support some of what they do or say, I just typically have a laid-back approach to things until an actual direct problem arises.

    As far as types: I'm not sure. I know some ISFJs who are very forgiving and others who hold grudges. My dad, an ESTP, you'd think would be more flexible... yet he is the worst grudge-holder I know. He will not talk to family or friends for years after an argument. So I don't think it's just type, I think it's a matter of type and upbringing (past experience) and maturity.
    Yeah the one thing that sets me off are users and emotional parasites. I can forgive nearly anything because I'm not even all that material or petty. There's not much one can do to get me mad at them forever except for abusing my forgiveness. At that point I'm like a sleeping dragon who has just been woken up.

    But even then it's not so much holding a grudge. It's more like getting rid of a parasite - less about grudge holding and more about eliminating with extreme prejudice.

  10. #30
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nijntje View Post
    Is holding a grudge the same as cutting a person completely out of your life and having nothing to do with them ever again, despite their wishes?
    That sounds more like door slamming. ;P



    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post

    That said, I have no qualms moving forward and not having people in my life any longer if the relationship has dissipated or if it was really unbalanced or negative in the first place. They just cease being on my radar.
    I really need to work on this.

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