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  1. #1
    Anew Leaf
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    Default The Thread of Amazing Sarcastic Amazon Reviews

    I have found my new mission in life: write sarcastic amazon.com reviews.

    Here is your current offering to enjoy or add as you wish:

    http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-...owViewpoints=1

  2. #2
    garbage
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    I didn't write this one, but it's fuckin' awesome

    http://www.amazon.com/review/R2N3IGO...R2N3IGORFA1K89

    DO NOT buy this book, you can SEE the ending right on the cover!, April 19, 2012
    By PacMan
    This review is from: Where Is Baby's Belly Button? A Lift-the-Flap Book (Board book)
    This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby's belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's suppose to be, on Baby's stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK.

    This plot is a complete mess as a result of it's reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is; everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby's belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read.

    holy crap
    Last edited by garbage; 08-30-2012 at 01:35 PM.

  3. #3
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I remember seeing this on the news! I think this is the item that started it off:
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-T...pr_product_top
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  4. #4
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    I didn't write this one, but it's fuckin' awesome


    <baby's belly button>

    holy crap [/url]
    OMG... I can't stop laughing, and at work too. Help!
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    OMG... I can't stop laughing, and at work too. Help!
    Choke it back.

  6. #6
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    Not for the easily offended (but equally, the 522 reviews have been there for months without being taken down):

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...KKNQBK/b3ta-21

    Or the cut-down Stateside version (5 reviews)

    http://www.amazon.com/product-review...owViewpoints=1

  7. #7
    Senior Member Chaotic Harmony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    I didn't write this one, but it's fuckin' awesome

    http://www.amazon.com/review/R2N3IGO...R2N3IGORFA1K89

    holy crap
    To add to this humor... One of the comments:

    I pray that this is not a serious review... I want to hope that it is all sarcasm, but I get the feeling that you're not kidding...

    "you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby's belly button is."

    Really? That's why this book was written for BABIES! I'd love to know what books you are reading to your baby because I don't know of any baby books with conflict, character development, or plot. And besides, I don't think there is a baby out there that cares.... It's a cute book for babies, not an award winning piece of literature



  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaotic Harmony View Post
    To add to this humor... One of the comments:

    I pray that this is not a serious review... I want to hope that it is all sarcasm, but I get the feeling that you're not kidding...

    "you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby's belly button is."

    Really? That's why this book was written for BABIES! I'd love to know what books you are reading to your baby because I don't know of any baby books with conflict, character development, or plot. And besides, I don't think there is a baby out there that cares.... It's a cute book for babies, not an award winning piece of literature

    It's responses like those that bring a warm glow from the tippy-top of my head to the bottomy-bottoms of my feet to the deepest recesses of my inner navel.

    Dear writer: "mission accomplished" Cheers!
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mike5609 View Post
    Not for the easily offended (but equally, the 522 reviews have been there for months without being taken down):

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...KKNQBK/b3ta-21

    Or the cut-down Stateside version (5 reviews)

    http://www.amazon.com/product-review...owViewpoints=1
    DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

    Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

    (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

    Ahahahahahaha!!!

    Man...this is the best thread ever.

    EDIT: I also found this article via Cracked.com.

    http://www.cracked.com/article_18939...c-reviews.html

    SECOND EDIT!

    This, too.

    http://www.fastcompany.com/1779632/1...n-reviews-ever

  10. #10
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    The Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer.



    For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.

    Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
    I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.
    Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer does not work. The product will not slice apples or oranges. Useless!!! I don't even like bananas.
    Well thank goodness I've gotten my banana slicing time down from 14 seconds to 1.5 seconds per day (a 12.5 second savings!) That was a huge relief. BUT I have to say I think this product should come with its own cleaning device because I spent the next 7 MINUTES trying to adequately get my dish sponge around all of the little blades to clean it! Since cleaning a paring knife only takes me about 4 seconds that's 6 minutes, 56 seconds wasted. So cleaning it ate up the savings of 33 banana slicings!

    I'm a busy person and I have a life to lead here.

    I started working on my own and I think I came up with a fix. Take a dish sponge and cut slices into it using a sharp pair of scissors at precisely the width of the banana slicing blades. Wet and add soap, then guide the sponge fingers in between the blades. Repeat 1-2 times and you're done!

    Yes, it'll take you about 2.5 minutes to make the custom sponge but that's something you only have to do once in a while and it should take your banana slicer cleaning time down to somewhat more acceptable levels.
    My younger sister and I fight over who's going to use the banana slicer next -- mama says take turns or we'll get in big trouble. We're sisters...take turns?! So we get in a punching, screaming and yelling match.....

    I'm sitting in the corner as I write this review--I hate the 571B banana slicer.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

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