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  1. #1
    null Jonny's Avatar
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    Default New city, new job, newly single... learning to cope

    A month ago I moved away from my childhood home, friends and family for a new job. It isn't too far away (approximately 1.5 hours), but far enough for me to be unable to expect to maintain the life I left. My girlfriend of 9 months was a big part of the moving process. She helped me pick out my place, pick out my suits for the new job, talked with me about our plans moving forward. She was also planning to transition to the same city (something she'd decided independently of me), and much of my mental roadmap included her presence. On Friday, much to my surprise, she ended things.

    The relationship with her was never particularly serious, as it came a bit after I broke up with my girlfriend of five years. However, we got along extremely well, and I cannot think of a single instance when I had an unpleasant experience with her. We never fought, had wonderful conversations, and I fell in love with her. Now, I am finding that my ability to cope with this breakup is sorely lacking, likely because my support network, my life really, is non existent.

    I need to find a way to cope with all these changes. Each one taken alone doesn't seem so bad, and I understand that it may seem like I'm being overly dramatic about my circumstances. My life isn't bad, and I have a bright future. But, taken together, these circumstances place an emotional burden on me that I'm finding difficult to overcome alone. I need social interaction and distraction to get over the breakup, but I need friends to do that. To find friends, I need to be motivated to go out and meet people, and be a person who is happy and fun to be around, but this is difficult when I'm recovering from losing someone I care about. I need to focus on my work to make a good impression, but all these issues are a distraction. Tough stuff.

    For those of you who have undoubtably gone through worse, how did you do it? I need advice.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #2
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Meetup.com changed my life.

    Sorry about the stress

  3. #3
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    One time I moved 1,000 miles away from my home town. I found someone online that I really thought was the one (stupid of me, admittedly), and because of the crushing loss of my father I just wanted to get away from everything. The idea of starting anew, a clean slate, was very appealing to me; although up there I had literally nothing, I had to play it all by ear. I'd approach it like that. No one out there knows you, has a past with you, at all. If you feel like you've changed as a person growing up and people look at you in terms of who you were, then all of that can end.

    I'd approach it naturally though. I didn't make any friends until I started to work, and I made some great connections through that (enough connections for me to be satisfied). The time for you to figure out your bills and such is NOW, since you are just now making the people you are going to be working with trust you and let hem gain impressions of you. By the time you have all of the semantics of your new life figured out, then you will start being able to actually be friends with these people. If someone wants to chill with you in the meantime though, then do it! It's all part of getting to know new people.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  4. #4
    null Jonny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laurie View Post
    Meetup.com changed my life.

    Sorry about the stress
    Already signed up for it; keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    One time I moved 1,000 miles away from my home town. I found someone online that I really thought was the one (stupid of me, admittedly), and because of the crushing loss of my father I just wanted to get away from everything. The idea of starting anew, a clean slate, was very appealing to me; although up there I had literally nothing, I had to play it all by ear. I'd approach it like that. No one out there knows you, has a past with you, at all. If you feel like you've changed as a person growing up and people look at you in terms of who you were, then all of that can end.

    I'd approach it naturally though. I didn't make any friends until I started to work, and I made some great connections through that (enough connections for me to be satisfied). The time for you to figure out your bills and such is NOW, since you are just now making the people you are going to be working with trust you and let hem gain impressions of you. By the time you have all of the semantics of your new life figured out, then you will start being able to actually be friends with these people. If someone wants to chill with you in the meantime though, then do it! It's all part of getting to know new people.
    Thanks. Bills and such aren't an issue, as I make good money and am very comfortable. I think I'm ready to get out and meet people, but it will just take some time to recover from losing someone I love (although this isn't comparable to losing your father, I'm so sorry ).
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Are there things you wanted to do but put off because of being in a relationship?

    I moved over 3000 miles to start over after my divorce. It was really hard and rather awful in the beginning but with each passing week, things got better. Focusing on things I've wanted to do but couldn't for various reasons is what has helped me the most. Unfortunately, tincture of time is often the best, but slowest remedy. I hope time can pass quickly for you and one day you turn around and find things are indeed better.

  6. #6
    null Jonny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    Are there things you wanted to do but put off because of being in a relationship?

    I moved over 3000 miles to start over after my divorce. It was really hard and rather awful in the beginning but with each passing week, things got better. Focusing on things I've wanted to do but couldn't for various reasons is what has helped me the most. Unfortunately, tincture of time is often the best, but slowest remedy. I hope time can pass quickly for you and one day you turn around and find things are indeed better.
    Hey, thanks for the response. I think one of my biggest problems is that I haven't really thought about what I'd love to do for fun. I've been in relationships for the past seven years, all the while focusing on finding success in school/work. I relied on my girlfriends to provide me with a framework for life fun. For instance, this last girlfriend was into rock climbing and yoga, so I pursued those things because she loved to do them. The odd thing is that I didn't even do them with her most of the time, but I saw what they provided her, and decided to take them up myself. Now that I'm not with her, I feel less inclined to do them. I need to find my own identity and set of interests, apart from a girlfriend.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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