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  1. #31
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I believe the difference between living and killing time is whether you are living life proactively or reactively. Are you a victim of circumstances, or are you dealing with things when you recognize they are an issue rather than when there is a crisis that requires it?

    I am working hard to live proactively, although I recognize that there are certain spots in my life where I'm not doing that.

  2. #32
    Vulnerability Eilonwy's Avatar
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    A lot of people characterize care giving as "putting their life on hold" which could be equated with killing time. But I've never seen my time spent care giving as putting my life on hold. It's another experience to add to my life's experiences. So, from that aspect, I feel that I'm living and not just killing time.

    However, I tend to be future-oriented and not much in-the-moment. From that aspect, I'm just killing time until some unattainable future ideal is reached, and I feel that I'm not always participating fully in what's going on now. I look back and see that I've lived (done a lot of things and had interesting experiences and influenced events), but it's like it happened when I wasn't paying attention.
    Johari / Nohari

    “That we are capable only of being what we are remains our unforgivable sin.” ― Gene Wolfe

    reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

  3. #33
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    in the realm of exterior perception, i would appear to be living because i have being quite proactive. the thing about the world of exterior perception, perhaps in this case a bit more then most, it is utter bullshit.

    about two weeks ago, spending a weekend at my mother's, i have met a friend of her's, a widow, who came to use the swimming pool while i was in it. and i experienced with her something i haven't experienced in a while - a sense of my emotions being comprehended. in the last few months i have came to realize most people don't seem to quite get where i am coming from in regards to my ex-stepson or the way i experience it - the majority of people my age group in general rarely get lose beyond a breakup, a few lost a parent, fewer lost a friend or two, and while I've being in a position to know first hand what they might be going through (keeping in mind individual differences), i haven't felt like i got a connection that goes both ways since my divorce, many one-sided connections where people claim to feel connected to me, but i just haven't felt it with anyone anymore... not until i met that widow. i learned she became a widow while i was away, she became good friends with my mother since then they had that in common, and we talked...

    we talked about the sense of lose we each experienced, each trying to devalue our own compared to the other's, we talked about how everybody see's you laugh and smile because in any given moment your doing everything in your power to not breakdown, because while some might know to cry to feel better, you have tried it too many times, you know that there's a well there that has no bottom, so you take that bitterness and laugh at yourself every opportunity that you can. we talked about how everything in life feels like a badly needed distraction. we talked about the sense of of helplessness, a life where what you truly want at any given moment is not there, and you can't accept it not being there, the mind can't engulf it. we talked about life feeling sort of like a broken machine, and engine with no fuel, detached from you, and you move around it, pushing this cog, turning this wheel, just to get it to move. you have no energy to move, no will to move towards, the context which has made all your choices more meaningful then any choices at the time they where only meaningful to you could ever be, is now gone out of your life, of which you now try to become its focus again, but the shoes of meaningful actions have grown too big for your lonely individual feet. but you move anyway, you move with every ounce of energy you've got, because the one thing you know for certain is that you can't bare to stay where you are.

    the outside observer might see this little lively energetic gnome in a body of a giant, filling his life with productive, challenging and fun activities and working towards positive goals to his future, smiling, laughing...

    the truth is i am doing neither. all i am doing is pushing life's wheels, moving because i can't stay.

  4. #34
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by allegorystory View Post
    C'est la vie, eh?
    Well, it's your life, caught between one thing and another. And as you bounce between them in your mind, you are safe from either. What will be interesting will be when both disappear, leaving just you.

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