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  1. #11
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    In my younger days, I'd dated anywhere from 4 years to 10 years older seriously; even older less seriously. I generally got along with older folks, and I was looking for someone with mental maturity. I didn't find it, presumably because these folks were looking for someone who was immature. I dated women who had been through experiences that should have taught them better (e.g. how to communicate in a damn relationship), but they hadn't.

    With an age gap of around 4 years, you're not going to find much difference in mental maturity--people 4 years older or younger than me kind of think like I do and are around the same stage of life. With a much larger age gap, you may not find much difference in mental maturity, and you may also run into problems with being in different stages of your life.

    But maybe you won't.

    Nobody in the relationship should give a damn about what the outsiders think. .. at least, ideally, they shouldn't. I'm in an interracial thing now; if I cared about what other people think, I'd be depriving myself of a good relationship.

    Moreover, our cultural differences could have impacted our relationship, but they haven't. Age differences could be treated in much the same way.

  2. #12
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    In my younger days, I'd dated anywhere from 4 years to 10 years older seriously; even older less seriously. I generally got along with older folks, and I was looking for someone with mental maturity. I didn't find it, presumably because these folks were looking for someone who was immature. I dated women who had been through experiences that should have taught them better (e.g. how to communicate in a damn relationship), but they hadn't.

    With an age gap of around 4 years, you're not going to find much difference in mental maturity--people 4 years older or younger than me kind of think like I do and are around the same stage of life. With a much larger age gap, you may not find much difference in mental maturity, and you may also run into problems with being in different stages of your life.

    But maybe you won't.

    Nobody in the relationship should give a damn about what the outsiders think. .. at least, ideally, they shouldn't. I'm in an interracial thing now; if I cared about what other people think, I'd be depriving myself of a good relationship.

    Moreover, our cultural differences could have impacted our relationship, but they haven't. Age differences could be treated in much the same way.
    I think that's a really good point, about how you dated significantly older women, partly looking for maturity, and didn't find it. I think that could often happen if people specifically look for those age differences, with either gender being older/younger. The younger person thinks they've found someone mature - and unfortunately they may actually have found someone who hasn't learned a lot from past experience, and is afraid of relationships with people their own age who might actually challenge them.

    People have often told me they'd see me with someone at least somewhat older, and even significantly older. I just hope I'd take a good hard look at the person and their maturity level first. I think with a really big age difference in either direction I would be interested in their relationship history generally. Am I a bit of an anomaly in terms of age difference - or have they ALWAYS gone for much older or younger? The latter could be a warning sign.

    When I think of what I'd call the most successful relationships I know of (and sometimes it's hard to tell), I'd say mostly they are almost exactly the same age, or the guy is about 4-6 years older. Not much bigger differences than that. But then again, that type of range is the norm for the majority of relationships, so that probably doesn't mean much...
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  3. #13
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    i recently dated a younger INFJ male who, on our way out the door, stopped and asked me: "do you need to go peepee?"

    this made me want to break a piece of furniture. turns out, i am an adult. i have known for quite some time when i need to goddamn tinkle. and all the well-meaning Fe, rippling abs, and enthusiasm to h̶u̶m̶p̶ make love in the world can't hide the fact that couth, generally speaking, develops with age.

    (attn men: it also turns out that older women do not wish to be regaled by tales of [high school] battles old, advise you on your career, hear what your mother/landlady/roommate said to you that made you blare* Deathcab For Cutie for 15 consecutive hrs, or explain to you the difference between fucking and "making love". and why, sweet baby Jesus, you need to take one and earn the other.)

    younger men. :horor:

    p.s. i live in a city where men date 5-10 yrs younger, women generally do the same.


    *into your Skull Candy headphones
    Last edited by AgentF; 05-30-2012 at 01:24 AM. Reason: spelling n such
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  4. #14
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i recently dated a younger INFJ male who, on our way out the door, stopped and asked me: "do you need to go pepee?"

    this made me want to break a piece of furniture. turns out, i am an adult. i have known for quite some time when i need to goddamn tinkle. and all the well-meaning Fe, rippling abs, and enthusiasm to h̶u̶m̶p̶ have sex in the world can't hide the fact that couth, generally speaking, develops with age.

    (attn men: it also turns out that older women do not wish to be regaled by tales of [high school] battles old, advise you on your career, hear what your mother/landlady/roommate said to you that made you blare* Deathcab For Cutie for 15 consecutive hrs, or explain to you the difference between fucking and "making love". and why, sweet baby Jesus, you need to take one and earn the other.)

    younger men. :horor:


    p.s. i live in a city where men date 5-10 yrs younger, women generally do the same.


    *into your Skull Candy headphones
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
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  5. #15
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i recently dated a younger INFJ male who, on our way out the door, stopped and asked me: "do you need to go pepee?"

    this made me want to break a piece of furniture. turns out, i am an adult. i have known for quite some time when i need to goddamn tinkle. and all the well-meaning Fe, rippling abs, and enthusiasm to h̶u̶m̶p̶ have sex in the world can't hide the fact that couth, generally speaking, develops with age.

    (attn men: it also turns out that older women do not wish to be regaled by tales of [high school] battles old, advise you on your career, hear what your mother/landlady/roommate said to you that made you blare* Deathcab For Cutie for 15 consecutive hrs, or explain to you the difference between fucking and "making love". and why, sweet baby Jesus, you need to take one and earn the other.)

    younger men. :horor:



    *into your Skull Candy headphones


    p.s. i live in a city where men date 5-10 yrs younger, women generally do the same.
    Sometimes I think you only have mates in order to tear them apart in front of an audience later on.

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  6. #16
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    please. someone needs to tell the alarming truth around here. besides, we are but living cautionary tales.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


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  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I think that's a really good point, about how you dated significantly older women, partly looking for maturity, and didn't find it. I think that could often happen if people specifically look for those age differences, with either gender being older/younger. The younger person thinks they've found someone mature - and unfortunately they may actually have found someone who hasn't learned a lot from past experience, and is afraid of relationships with people their own age who might actually challenge them.
    The best example of this was my first relationship. She was five years older than me; I was 22, and she was 27. I was pretty dumb and young, I made tons of mistakes, and I fucked up and had hurt her in some regrettable ways--that being my first relationship and all--but I learned from my experiences and carried them over to my next relationships. By the time we'd dated, she had been in several relationships and had apparently not learned a damn thing about herself or how to treat other people. She didn't know how to be in a relationship, despite having been in several of them; she hadn't learned anything about the principles that guide relationships.

    That is, she didn't learn the lessons from her previous relationships that I learned from my very first one. Her age didn't mean jack.

    People have often told me they'd see me with someone at least somewhat older, and even significantly older. I just hope I'd take a good hard look at the person and their maturity level first. I think with a really big age difference in either direction I would be interested in their relationship history generally. Am I a bit of an anomaly in terms of age difference - or have they ALWAYS gone for much older or younger? The latter could be a warning sign.
    Yeah. One of my mentors talked about the tendency for people to "date the same person, with a different face." Sometimes, we have to break that pattern to see what's out there.

    Taking a good, hard look at the individual is key--since, as we say, we can't read too much into age.
    When I think of what I'd call the most successful relationships I know of (and sometimes it's hard to tell), I'd say mostly they are almost exactly the same age, or the guy is about 4-6 years older. Not much bigger differences than that. But then again, that type of range is the norm for the majority of relationships, so that probably doesn't mean much...
    If you can look at the individual, it can be surprising what sort of perceived differences couples can overcome...
    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    (attn men: it also turns out that older women do not wish to be regaled by tales of [high school] battles old, advise you on your career, hear what your mother/landlady/roommate said to you that made you blare* Deathcab For Cutie for 15 consecutive hrs, or explain to you the difference between fucking and "making love". and why, sweet baby Jesus, you need to take one and earn the other.)
    ... but sometimes.. holy shit

    (That sounds terrible, @agentfurrina. I totally feel for you, here.)

  8. #18
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    ... but sometimes.. holy shit

    (That sounds terrible, @agentfurrina. I totally feel for you, here.)
    why thanky. it's funny but i don't pity or congratulate myself for having these [good and bad] experiences. they're just what happens, you know, when you break rules.

    and dating outside the established "1-2 year buffer" does break a lot of invisible rules, and brings on weird dynamics most people aren't prepared for, until they're in it.

    i dated a much, much older man when i was a sophomore in college. he had a 5 yo kid. i was a kid. he was also of a "taboo" race and my mother haaaated that. yet that relationship was probably the most important one i've had because--repellent as it may sound--he taught me the majority of what i know about how to be in a relationship. it was like dating Yoda.

    only Yoda was a morbidly obese black man with a lazy eye and a beautiful tenor voice.


    where was i...oh yes: software!
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
    ~ Catherine the Great


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  9. #19
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    The person I dated who was significantly younger than me, actually had a lot in common with me. (I'm talking eight years difference.) I don't mean superficial stuff, I mean family backgrounds, significant life experiences etc. I look quite young too, or I did. He had a lot of life experience for his age. Ultimately though we were at different stages of our life and it kinda imploded. I had issues with the age difference. I worried about taking away all the fun stuff that you do in your 20's from him, and felt selfish because I'd been there done that. I guess he was less worried about that stuff. Granted there were a whole lot of other issues totally unrelated to the age difference that scuppered things, but I'd do it all over again all said and done.
    Really, what does it matter at the end of the day? So long as the age difference isn't ridiculous....even then, it's no ones business if it's legal.
    I have to be honest, before I met this guy, I would have raised eyebrows, if some one was in a similar situation ( and was one of the reasons I struggled with the attraction.) I'd never have considered it theoretically. I still kinda have issues, as I generally prefer men around my age. He was more of an exception, because to me he was an exceptional individual, and I would have been attracted to him at any age (within reason, of course.)
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
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  10. #20
    Per Ardua Metamorphosis's Avatar
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    With only...I think...one exception, every older woman I've had any romantic involvement with was an ENFx so it was a lot like dating someone younger than me.
    "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

    Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office
    than to serve and obey them. - David Hume

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