I guess I'm at that awkward stage where I'm not yet an adult..but I'm definately not a kid.
My youth was awesome..can't complain really (I mean, I can..but I choose not to).
My future is murky at best. I have no money...in fact I owe people money. As such..even the bed I sleep on at night isn't really mine. I'm about to get a piece of paper saying that I went to a college. I have a career I'm working towards..but not one that is particularly exciting(day to day, at least). The world around me confuses me...people of the past have set up these elaborate social institutions for purposes that aren't quite clear to me. I have my own hopes and dreams that I would love to see accomplished within my life time...but barring a miracle I realize that it's not likely to ever happen. My girl situation sucks..and it's not looking like it's going to get any better. Girls=time and money...two things I do not have. Also, Family=Poverty apparently. Really, the only thing that "growing up" has added to my formerly near perfect life is that I get to drugs..and get to chase women for sex. (Sometimes at the same time!)
And in exchange for drugs and sex...I get a boatload of problems (both my own and the world's) and the abundance of emotional trauma that goes with it. It's like waking up with a constant pile of bricks on your back.."I want to this..but I shouldn't" "Should I do this?" "Will this screw this up?" "How do I do this?" "Can this be done?" "Does she like me?" "Do I like her?" "If I'm not looking to get married, then why even talk to her?" "How much money is enoug?"
It's enough to make me wake up in the morning and be like "Fuck it, I'm going to bed..".
I often wonder if people think I'm depressed. I also wonder why the hell they aren't.