User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 17

  1. #1
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,782

    Default betrayal of trust how do you deal with it?

    My mom's been telling people at church I'm schizoaffective. Which I am, but the problem is I don't want those people to know, and if I want to tell someone I will. I'm very selective IRL who I tell these things to. I just feel it was an invasion of privacy. I'm so pissed about the whole thing.

    I need to know what can I do, she's my mom and for a short while I'm living with her so I can't cut her off, which I want to. SHe didn't ask my permission either. I don't know. Maybe someone has a similar situation or knows that to do
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  2. #2
    Charting a course
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    3,638

    Default

    Are you able to talk to her and tell her how you feel about what she's doing? And that you don't think it's anyone else's business? Will she actually listen?

    If not. This solution always works.


    Seriously though. I would talk to her, and let her know that you feel she's betraying your trust. And if it doesn't make a dent and cause her to stop. The only option I can think of is cutting her off.

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Our one child (who no one here knows nor will be around IRL) has cystic fibrosis, and in our RL social circles we've basically let him decide who knows and who doesn't. He doesn't really have a problem with telling people, but he appreciated having that amount of control over his own information.

    It's hard/impossible to control another's behavior, if they do not want to be controlled. I would follow the basic steps:

    1. Talk to her and tell her how you feel when she talks about you without your permission, and let her know you would like to be the one to choose to disclose this information and she should ask you before just telling people and/or let you do it.

    2. Remove yourself from that environment at your earliest convenience.

    Things aren't totally black and white -- the schizoaffective thing is mainly YOUR narrative in life, but it's also part of your mom's life because her daughter has it and she might want to talk to people she's close to, to alleviate your own stress -- but she shouldn't be telling the general public indiscriminately.

    Church is a weird situation too because she might bring you up "for prayer." I would tell her it's okay to ask for prayer for you if she wants, but not to specify exactly what the situation is (to protect your confidence), and that if she needs to tell the specifics, it should be only to her closest friends in a one-on-one environment. In that way, she can do what she needs to do and get some level of support, but won't just be sharing your issues with the entire community.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #4
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Posts
    17,585

    Default

    I confided some highly personal and perhaps slightly disturbing thoughts to my mother years ago, and months later, she threw them back at me as part of criticizing my behavior after some social situation. This is unlike the OP's situation in that the information never went beyond the two of us (to my knowledge), but I considered it a betrayal nonetheless. I was too young to move out, and would not have done so over this anyway, but I never shared that caliber of information with her again. It was a turning point for me in that I realized I had to keep some distance even from my own mother; that I really was ultimately alone.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #5
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,782

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Our one child (who no one here knows nor will be around IRL) has cystic fibrosis, and in our RL social circles we've basically let him decide who knows and who doesn't. He doesn't really have a problem with telling people, but he appreciated having that amount of control over his own information.

    It's hard/impossible to control another's behavior, if they do not want to be controlled. I would follow the basic steps:

    1. Talk to her and tell her how you feel when she talks about you without your permission, and let her know you would like to be the one to choose to disclose this information and she should ask you before just telling people and/or let you do it.

    2. Remove yourself from that environment at your earliest convenience.

    Things aren't totally black and white -- the schizoaffective thing is mainly YOUR narrative in life, but it's also part of your mom's life because her daughter has it and she might want to talk to people she's close to, to alleviate your own stress -- but she shouldn't be telling the general public indiscriminately.

    Church is a weird situation too because she might bring you up "for prayer." I would tell her it's okay to ask for prayer for you if she wants, but not to specify exactly what the situation is (to protect your confidence), and that if she needs to tell the specifics, it should be only to her closest friends in a one-on-one environment. In that way, she can do what she needs to do and get some level of support, but won't just be sharing your issues with the entire community.
    I'm fine with her telling her closest friends, but I have to see the church people and there the type to gossip and treat me differently because of this. And I do not want that, I'm able to function just fine thank you very much.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #6
    Senior Member Wanderer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5
    Posts
    160

    Default

    You'd be amazed how many "prayer lines" are just glorified gossip chains.
    Don't get me wrong, I like church and I think prayer is a good thing. However, there's a huge difference between a parent asking a small prayer group to pray for a child and a parent getting on the bullhorn and announcing to the church that her child has a condition and needs prayer.

    Unfortunately, the proverbial cat is out of the bag. If you're really not comfortable with everyone knowing, you'll need to find a new church.

    Inform your mum that you're extremely uncomfortable with having everyone know, and you would prefer that she NOT shout it from the rooftops. It's your condition and your life; perhaps draw a comparison to something personal in her life that she would not want known to the general public. Do all this being, of course, polite and diplomatic. At the same time, make no bones about the fact that you DO view this as a betrayal of trust.

    And if it was me, I would make a note for the future not to trust that particular parental unit with sensitive information. If someone does something once, they'll most likely do it again.

  7. #7
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,782

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Wanderer View Post
    You'd be amazed how many "prayer lines" are just glorified gossip chains.
    Don't get me wrong, I like church and I think prayer is a good thing. However, there's a huge difference between a parent asking a small prayer group to pray for a child and a parent getting on the bullhorn and announcing to the church that her child has a condition and needs prayer.

    Unfortunately, the proverbial cat is out of the bag. If you're really not comfortable with everyone knowing, you'll need to find a new church.

    Inform your mum that you're extremely uncomfortable with having everyone know, and you would prefer that she NOT shout it from the rooftops. It's your condition and your life; perhaps draw a comparison to something personal in her life that she would not want known to the general public. Do all this being, of course, polite and diplomatic. At the same time, make no bones about the fact that you DO view this as a betrayal of trust.

    And if it was me, I would make a note for the future not to trust that particular parental unit with sensitive information. If someone does something once, they'll most likely do it again.
    the only thing that's realistic is talking to her about it. I had to tell her I'm on her insurance and she pays my medical bills, i don't have the money to pay for myself. it's her church not mine, but she hosts events at our house with the people there so it's not like I can just not see them.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Wanderer View Post
    You'd be amazed how many "prayer lines" are just glorified gossip chains.
    That's one of the biggest issues. I think if anyone is involved in church enough, we start to recognize when someone brings up something in order to truly get help and when they are bringing it up to receive some sort of stroke from others, justify their own goodness, or spread more exciting morsels of gossip to the group under the guise of compassion.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,782

    Default

    so basically my only real option is to talk to her and hope she listens?
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  10. #10
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    3,456

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    so basically my only real option is to talk to her and hope she listens?
    Pretty much. It's important for her to respect your request for privacy, not only for respect for you, but also out of respect for the family. I suggest having a heart to heart talk with her about it. It should be your choice to divulge this information.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




Similar Threads

  1. How do you deal with getting proselytized to at your place of employment?
    By SurrealisticSlumbers in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: 01-14-2017, 06:30 PM
  2. [Si] Wherever you have Si in your stack of pancakes, how do you identify with it?
    By Dreamer in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 07-02-2016, 12:34 AM
  3. INTx: How do you deal with a lot of negative emotion?
    By Ozzy26 in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 04-18-2010, 09:08 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO