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  1. #1
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Default Are shy people flaky?

    So, I've been dealing with this a lot lately. I will make plans with one of my shy friends (which is most of them, really; we're like peas and carrots ), set what I think is a concrete date and time for shenanigans to ensue, and then at the last minute I'm told "OH I can't do it because of blah blah blah."

    This is sort of unnerving because, you know, I cleared a space in my day for them, turned away others who wanted to do something with me during that time because I stick to my commitments, and now I just have this empty huge chunk of time where I'm not doing anything at all and by time I get the news it's too late to make plans with anyone else.

    Most of the time, the reasons they give me are very good and understandable ones...but they're typically reasons that existed when the plans were being decided on but the person just didn't put two-and-two together until right before we're supposed to go out.

    And this isn't some party situation with a lot of people, it's a one-on-one sort of thing.

    They seem to genuinely feel bad for cancelling, but I can't help but feel like it's a way for them to worm out of socializing, or maybe they made plans with someone else (with a more forceful personality) because they didn't know how to say "No." and had to stare at their toes as they broke the news to me.

    The frequent offenders are an ISFP, INFP, and INTP.

    Is this an IxxP thing or have you experienced other shy-people types doing this too? What do you think is the underlying motivation/reasoning behind it?

    I have to admit that at least they give me some notice. I have a J-type friend whose INFP woman friend just plain doesn't show up because she completely forgets that they had plans at all, despite the fact that she's usually the one who made the plans in the first place. Drives him absolutely nuts.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  2. #2
    Intergalactic Badass mujigay's Avatar
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    Hmmm. Never thought of it, but now that you mention it, I wonder.

    An INTP close friend of mine will always wiggle out of these kinds of social engagements, whereas I'm more likely to just grit my teeth and do it if I think it'll pay off later.
    1w9 sx/sp
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  3. #3
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I can be but it's usually because a situation makes me uncomfortable, like drinking with the homeless.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  4. #4
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Hmmm. I don't do that, and I'm fairly shy. I think those are just individual flakes. If I make plans with you, the only thing that would make me cancel is if there were a genuine emergency. Now, I'm not a huge planner by nature, so I might wriggle out of being all plan-sy until I have to. Sometimes my J friends make me feel too scheduled when we do things.
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  5. #5
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    Are you sure they are just shy and don't have some social anxiety disorder?
    hoarding time and space
    A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
    — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  6. #6
    (blankpages) Xenon's Avatar
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    Funny how the flakiest people you know have all been introverts. I've had the opposite experience: the flakiest people I've known have been pretty obvious ExxP types. Perhaps just coincidence?

    I can tell you that saying 'no' if I'm unable to do something has never been an issue for me, even though I used to be pathologically shy. If I couldn't do something, I had no problem saying so before any plans were made. Does it only happen when you are initiating the plans? Maybe they never wanted to do what you'd planned in the first place and had a hard time saying no to you...but even then that doesn't make much sense to me, since they're able to say no later, which would be even more difficult. *shrug*

  7. #7
    Anew Leaf
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    We is flaky like pie crust. Crimped at the edges but inside us holds a velvety mixture of apples and sugar soup.

  8. #8
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Hmmm. I don't do that, and I'm fairly shy. I think those are just individual flakes. If I make plans with you, the only thing that would make me cancel is if there were a genuine emergency. Now, I'm not a huge planner by nature, so I might wriggle out of being all plan-sy until I have to. Sometimes my J friends make me feel too scheduled when we do things.
    Admittedly, my INTP friend is sort of on the bottom of the offender list; if I don't make plans too many days in advance she usually follows through without a problem. So, maybe INTPs are less likely to flake...but some things need more than a week's notice and when I try to plan 7 whole days into the future she gets this confused look on her face.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  9. #9
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INA View Post
    Are you sure they are just shy and don't have some social anxiety disorder?
    Honestly, one could argue that most shy people have some degree of an anxiety disorder; there are ranges to these things, from just a drop to debilitating. That's why they're shy in the first place. So it's hard to say yes with confidence, but I can say that they all function perfectly well within society.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  10. #10
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INA View Post
    Are you sure they are just shy and don't have some social anxiety disorder?
    YOU HAVE A SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER

    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

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