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  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    Allergy season? Now you're just pointlessly projecting real-world scenarios that could or could not exist into the conversation. Duh, if she wasn't feeling well, she'd tell me. Like you said, she's older than 12. That would be an actual and reasonable excuse to cancel any plans because it's not exactly something that can be controlled. But a person is not miraculously suffering from some sort of illness everytime plans fall through.

    I've known lots of people who are afraid to say "no" to their friends. It has less to do with real fear of their friends than it has to do with their own anxiety over letting people down. And outright asking for an explanation does not mean that I'm going to get an honest answer. Timid people are not exactly known for fearlessly bearing their souls on command.
    You appear to have all of the answers, so maybe, just maybe, therein lies the truth.

    If I was frequently experiencing people as shy or flaky, I would take a long hard look at myself until I discovered what I'm saying or doing to turn people off.

  2. #72
    Senior Member BAJ's Avatar
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    I couldn't read the whole thing. Much was redundant. YES I'VE BEEN A FLAKE. A friend gave me "The absentminded professor" movie as a gift.

    I once was late (back in high school) to meet a teacher who was giving me a letter of recommendation. It's not like she had anything important to do...just her husband's funeral...Oh my goodness, the shame.

    __________

    Here's a typical exchange:

    They ask, "Are you coming to my wedding?" This is legitimate. I went through the same graduate school program as the bride (with four other students), and the groom was my roommate for a year.

    I say, "There's probably about a 63% chance, but I don't want to tell you anything definite."

    ---------

    Of course, I'm getting better, maybe, but I don't want to feel obligated to be somewhere. It's easier just to end my whole relationship with you.

    Edit: The best I can do is tell you the probability based on how I'm feeling right now. This may change up until the thing occurs, if it does.

  3. #73
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    So, I've been dealing with this a lot lately. I will make plans with one of my shy friends (which is most of them, really; we're like peas and carrots ), set what I think is a concrete date and time for shenanigans to ensue, and then at the last minute I'm told "OH I can't do it because of blah blah blah."

    This is sort of unnerving because, you know, I cleared a space in my day for them, turned away others who wanted to do something with me during that time because I stick to my commitments, and now I just have this empty huge chunk of time where I'm not doing anything at all and by time I get the news it's too late to make plans with anyone else.

    Most of the time, the reasons they give me are very good and understandable ones...but they're typically reasons that existed when the plans were being decided on but the person just didn't put two-and-two together until right before we're supposed to go out.

    And this isn't some party situation with a lot of people, it's a one-on-one sort of thing.

    They seem to genuinely feel bad for cancelling, but I can't help but feel like it's a way for them to worm out of socializing, or maybe they made plans with someone else (with a more forceful personality) because they didn't know how to say "No." and had to stare at their toes as they broke the news to me.

    The frequent offenders are an ISFP, INFP, and INTP.

    Is this an IxxP thing or have you experienced other shy-people types doing this too? What do you think is the underlying motivation/reasoning behind it?

    I have to admit that at least they give me some notice. I have a J-type friend whose INFP woman friend just plain doesn't show up because she completely forgets that they had plans at all, despite the fact that she's usually the one who made the plans in the first place. Drives him absolutely nuts.
    I think the underlying reason is that they probably weren't all that interested in making those particular committments in the first place but had trouble saying "no" at the time.
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  4. #74
    Resident Apple Hoarder Kriash's Avatar
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    I'm not a flake generally. There are only a handful of times that I've ever had to cancel on a friend.

    Most of the time I am just terrible at making plans. Once they've been made I usually stick to them. If someone is unsure and doesn't let me know what they want to do, I usually don't push to get things finalized, so if they really aren't taking initiative, nothing ever happens. Like I said though, once I've agreed to something and have plans set up, I stick to them.

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