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  1. #21
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    It's not easy being a shy and flaky nerd. Sure, it seems some of us are selfish, but if you only knew the truth. There are no mountains too high I wouldn't climb for you, *but* there are no promises I'll ever be on time doing it, as there are no clocks in my head or fancy watches on my wrist that aren't for show. I may never show up to my own wedding, but you can count on me to be there for yours. When you have your first baby, I'll arrive fashionably late (after the hospital drama is done) with a big smile, champagne and cigars for everyone. Set me up on a blind date with your bestest ESTJ friend and I'll not only be on time, I'll impress. Then, I'll skip town when things get too serious; still searching. Die and I'll send a huge bouquet of roses in your favorite color with a card I signed, "from everyone, " just in case someone couldn't afford flowers, I had them covered, and as I walked into the service late and alone, reality hit hard and I ran before anyone could see me cry. For all other plans where I flaked, I got side-tracked. I make no more excuses for my lame behavior.

  2. #22
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    I fucking HATE when they do that shit. Especially when the day before, that same person will have been complaining about how no one invites them out to do anything. I have an ISFP friend who did this exact fucking thing; I thought by inviting her to our outings, she'd be thrilled (even after having cancelled on multiple occasions for no goddamn reason), but the ISFP simply refused to leave her apartment. I think it can be chalked up purely to social anxiety, which I can understand (it's a bitch, I know), but don't go around complaining that you're bored at 10pm when you deliberately declined a perfectly good opportunity to socialize and have fun.

    Sometime I think I'm an extrovert compared to these people (which I may very well be.)
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  3. #23
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    I think that it's unjustified to believe that "shy people" are flaky as a generalization. It's funny because I've always heard it's the chatty extroverts that suffer the problem of being a flake.

  4. #24
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Just what shy people need....more social stigma

    Seriously though, I am very shy and not flaky. I agree with @Southern Kross about going out of "principle". I will go, but I may be veeery quiet & a bit moody, I may try to leave early, etc. I may be aloof with any new people (out of timidity, not snobbery). I can have a "hey, at least I showed up" attitude. So maybe some people are doing you a favor by canceling . In all seriousness, I really only take social invites I can genuinely look forward to, so I avoid the above situation most of the time. I think it can be less about shyness & more about introversion & knowing your energy limits.

    I wonder if some of these people have trouble saying "no" to invites, which is less about shyness than passivity/lack of spine, or maybe lack of knowing their own limits. Because I could always say no; even in my most withdrawn periods in life I was not a flake, but I did have a rep for never accepting invites & being a hermit/loner.

    I suppose I could see a connection between shyness & the anxiety it causes & someone feeling overwhelmed at the last minute & deciding they just can't deal with socializing. That goes beyond regular old shyness though; that's rather crippling social anxiety. A regularly shy person is usually fine socializing with familiar friends. It's strangers & large groups that may intimidate them.

    Anyway, I have more people flake out on me than vice versa, and they've been many types (many being Es actually...).
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  5. #25
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    See the "I" on my type? That stands for "flaky ass motherfucker". Beware.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    I've been a pretty hard flaker in my time. Not proud of it. There are alot of different reasons someone can flake, its not all about being "shy" or having social anxiety. In return, I rarely get upset if people flake on me. No I am not bsing you. I look at it this way - If someone doesn't feel up for hanging out, regardless of the reason, I sure as hell don't want them hanging out because 'that is what was expected' Sorry, but that is really icky and inauthentic to me. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself if someone else isn't.

    SO. What can ya do? I guess if your prone to flaking you should do what I do and just never set really concrete plans. I almost never do this. This way, when I do decide to show up or text at the last minute its a pleasant surprise rather than a dissapointment or fall out. Obviously this irritates some of the stronger J's in my life. P's and J's just need to compromise.

    BUt seriously, would you even want someone to come hang out because they are forced to?

    OH, and the reason your probably seeing this so much with the Fi doms is because what they do is largely based on how they Feeeel. They will never know until that moment if they feel up for it. THe EP's motivation is different. They never know what is going to be the most exciting thing until that moment. I have flaked for both reasons being ENFP 4w3.

    One more edit =) For me personally, if you trying to get in some one on one interaction and you get a story, sometimes being pushy and saying "dude, I'm coming over" can be a good thing. *Sometimes* the FI doms and e4's don't realize they DO feel up for it until you impose. When dealing with an EP, it never hurts to invite yourself. I know I know, its alot of hoops that no one should have to jump through, but ime it has aided in contact.

    I have no idea why INTP's or ISTP's flake. If someone could elabporate on this it'd be awesome. My INTP brother is really good about keeping his commitments. I've only observed him flake when he is especially low energy and in desperate need of a recharge.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  7. #27
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by swordpath View Post
    I think that it's unjustified to believe that "shy people" are flaky as a generalization. It's funny because I've always heard it's the chatty extroverts that suffer the problem of being a flake.
    I'm thinking it may depend on what you're flaking on. I'm an intensely chatty extrovert and I'm never a flake when someone has made plans with me; extroverts tend to want to go when they're invited to fun events or just spending time with friends. I've only experienced this problem of flaking on personal/social commitments primarily in the people I've known who could be considered shy, who also tend to be IxxPs. Unless it's something they absolutely have to do, like work or school or some other necessary activity, their word is not necessarily their bond -- an observation that seems to be supported by many of the IxxPs responding here who are saying they feel anxious or infringed upon by committing themselves to anything social and will potentially make a promise and then break it for a variety of reasons.

    Whereas Extroverts, especially ExxPs, could be considered flakes when it comes to what some consider more important things, like work or school or other necessary tasks, because we're more interested in enjoyment than responsibility.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  8. #28
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    I've been a pretty hard flaker in my time. Not proud of it. There are alot of different reasons someone can flake, its not all about being "shy" or having social anxiety. In return, I rarely get upset if people flake on me. No I am not bsing you. I look at it this way - If someone doesn't feel up for hanging out, regardless of the reason, I sure as hell don't want them hanging out because 'that is what was expected' Sorry, but that is really icky and inauthentic to me. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself if someone else isn't.

    SO. What can ya do? I guess if your prone to flaking you should do what I do and just never set really concrete plans. I almost never do this. This way, when I do decide to show up or text at the last minute its a pleasant surprise rather than a dissapointment or fall out. Obviously this irritates some of the stronger J's in my life. P's and J's just need to compromise.

    BUt seriously, would you even want someone to come hang out because they are forced to?

    OH, and the reason your probably seeing this so much with the Fi doms is because what they do is largely based on how they Feeeel. They will never know until that moment if they feel up for it. THe EP's motivation is different. They never know what is going to be the most exciting thing until that moment. I have flaked for both reasons being ENFP 4w3.
    You know, I can understand all that, and I would have absolutely no problem if I was given a "maybe" if that's how the person really feels. Then I can figure, all right, there's a chance they won't show, so let's have something on the backburner just in case. It's more the fact that they gave me what seemed to be a very solid "yes" and then it screws up the rest of my evening when they bail on me, you know? If you're the sort who won't know if they're up for it until the day of, there's nothing wrong with that at all, I just need to know so I don't feel like I've wasted time and money and got ditched.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



  9. #29
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    You know, I can understand all that, and I would have absolutely no problem if I was given a "maybe" if that's how the person really feels. Then I can figure, all right, there's a chance they won't show, so let's have something on the backburner just in case. It's more the fact that they gave me what seemed to be a very solid "yes" and then it screws up the rest of my evening when they bail on me, you know? If you're the sort who won't know if they're up for it until the day of, there's nothing wrong with that at all, I just need to know so I don't feel like I've wasted time and money and got ditched.
    Absolutely. THis is completely reasonable. ANd I do believe that when flakers have lost enough friends over the matter, matured a bit, and really come to understand the damage they inflict by being flakey they tend to alter their ways. Atleast I have!
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  10. #30
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    Absolutely. THis is completely reasonable. ANd I do believe that when flakers have lost enough friends over the matter, matured a bit, and really come to understand the damage they inflict by being flakey they tend to alter their ways. Atleast I have!
    Ugh, lost enough friends? That is so wasteful and inefficient. Can't I fuss at you for not showing and you have some epiphany of "OH HAI THAT'S WHAT I DID WRONG" and then just not do it again?
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



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