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  1. #1
    Senior Member Silveresque's Avatar
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    Default How do you prefer to console?

    When someone is feeling really upset about something, how do you prefer to go about consoling that person? Also, how would you prefer to be comforted? I'm curious to see if this might be type related as well, so please give your type.

    For me, an INTP, I used to prefer giving advice for how to help the situation, but now I'm starting to lean more toward showing sympathy and concern, especially if there's nothing that can really be done about the situation. This is also what I prefer to receive when I'm upset. I don't need someone to suggest logical solutions, because chances are I've already come up with it, and if I by chance I hadn't thought of it, I'll just think "why didn't I come up with that? " I understand when people don't give a lot of sympathy and prefer giving advice instead because I know they mean well, but I just want to know that someone cares about my problems and I can see that better through sympathy.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    I show compassion and sometimes i'll give advice (i usually word it in a way that it sounds like they are coming to their own conclusions via probing questions)

    I just let them talk and get it off their chest, sometimes no words need to be said.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  3. #3
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    I prefer offering constructive advice about what to do next. Most people seem to prefer you just sit there and listen to their problem, noting your acceptance and understanding of what they've said with the occasional glib "uh-huh", "me too", "I know", etc. I used to do this quite well.

    Nowadays I tend to keep my mouth shut and avoid listening to other people's problems altogether.


    How would I prefer to be comforted? Being left alone. I don't want to share my problems with other people so no manner of lending a "sympathetic ear" will help me feel any better, and the advice I've gotten is usually mediocre at best.

  4. #4
    Senior Member jimrckhnd's Avatar
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    As an INTP I'd prefer to give advice and help solve the problem. However, I have realized that this often not ineffective but actually can be counter productive. For the most part when somebody is upset my experiance shows that the value of advice, no matter how good, is limited. Better to just let the other person talk about it and just be around - maybe throwing in some words of comfort and praise. Advice will wait until they are relaxed and calm enough to process it.

    As to being comforted. Well, in most situations I've probably considered any course of action anybody can offer up. Now I can have dilemmas that are upsetting in which I seek advice - but I clearly state that. In cases where I'm just upset - just letting me talk on the phone or sitting with me is what I really want.
    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

  5. #5
    Insert Snarky Quip Here Stigmata's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimrckhnd View Post
    As an INTP I'd prefer to give advice and help solve the problem.
    I typically default to doing exactly the same thing. Whenever I see someone is upset, I try to analyze the problem objectively, taking into account multiple perspectives and proffer various solutions, which is helpful later on after they've regained their composure, yet isn't always the best course of action within that actual moment, and even that can backfire by being too objective by playing devil's advocate with the perspective opposite to theirs, which typically isn't what they want to hear at that exact moment. I'm absolutely terrible at the calming and reassurance aspect of consolation, and generally find it uncomfortable being around someone who's upset and crying because other than trying to solve the problem I'm of no real use to them beyond that because I really have no idea what I should say, so I just tend to sit there quietly and just let them have their moment.

    As far as being consoled, it never tends to do much for me because most people default to worthless drivel such as "It'll be ok." or "Everything's going to be fine.", which just serves as nothing more than kind words that materialize into nothing. If you're going to attempt to console me, do so, but don't just try to delude me by downplaying the severity of the matter and insisting the outcome will be positive when things clearly aren't.

  6. #6
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    sometimes i'll try and help with a solution, but a lot of the time people just want someone on their side to agree with him. so a lot of 'yeah fuck him boys are stupid!' and shared shit talking. or i'll try to distract people and get their minds off what's bothering them (usually 'wanna smoke a bowl?')

  7. #7
    (blankpages) Xenon's Avatar
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    I'm not really a strong emphathizer or an advice-giver (assuming advice as about "what to do", I'm not much for telling people what to do). I'm most comfortable when I can offer a new way of thinking about things. For example, suggesting other possibilities if someone seems to be jumping to conclusions, or responding to someone's self-flagellation by showing them the situation is more complex than they're making it out to be. If I genuinely have something positive to say, I say it. I won't be dishonest or say stupid platitudes like @Stigmata mentioned ("It'll all work out", etc.), and I hate being expected to nod and listen and side with the complainer no matter what. I like to think that because people who know me see me as honest and blunt and somewhat cynical (I don't think I'm that cynical, but others sometimes do), when I do say something positive-ish it carries a lot of credibility. Who knows though.

    Um...being consoled. Harder to say, since I usually don't like to have anyone around me. I've known one person who was exceptionally gifted at the empath thing, and....there's really no way to say this without feeling a little ridiculous, but it is what it is.....he could just gaze at me and I would feel held. Having known him, I can't say I don't want compassion and concern. It's just that most people aren't that good at it.

    Advice...same deal I guess: I'd like to hear it if it's something that can actually help me, but often it isn't. Most people dont have anything to tell me that I haven't already beaten myself over the head with plenty already, and I just feel worse hearing it again from someone else.

  8. #8
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    I'll send youtube links
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  9. #9
    Member Odyne's Avatar
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    My instinct is to help them find a solution. My reasoning is if they are upset then there is something wrong, and wrongs can be fixed. Sometimes, that's not what they want or it's not enough. So I resort to simply listening....but I dislike being in that spot. It breaks my heart when someone I care about is in a jam and I can't help. :/

  10. #10
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Usually I just let them vent it out, cry on my shoulder, comfort them-anything that helps get that negative feeling out quicker for them. Then once they're done if I see something that needs to be addressed, to better help their situation, we'll talk about it. For me, it's all about getting everything out that could potentially crap up their decision making and then trying to gently guide them in the better direction.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

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