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  1. #21
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Breaking down how I think I usually approach giving consolation....

    I comfort by listening, first and foremost. People mostly want to vent & be heard, and then they will figure out a solution themselves. I do "active" listening, meaning I ask questions & make small comments to indicate I am interested & understanding what they are saying. EDITED TO ADD: INFPs have been called "Harmonizer-Clarifiers" and I realized part of that tag is due to a tendency to help people clarify their own feelings (due to such a familiarity with/focus on feelings & the human condition) so they can identify the actual problem which stirred their emotions; and the harmonizing part is a matter of resolving conflicting feelings (often emotions vs. rational values) or resolving feelings with reality. People often cannot move into the problem-solving action mode until they clear this hurdle (which amounts to "healing"). Anyway, this is something I end up during my "active listening".

    If I can empathize, then I do, but without trivializing their experience or making it about me or someone else in a similar/worse situation. I will validate feelings which I truly see as valid.

    Usually, this calms them down & they begin to verbally sort out their own feelings towards a solution, in which case I may then begin to offer advice, but I tend to do so indirectly. I may reaffirm their thoughts/feelings which are forming in a constructive direction & simply not support those which aren't via lack of response or a slightly negative one (ie. "do you really think that's a good idea?").

    If it seems they need some help, then I use questions to lead their thinking a bit towards a solution or a new perspective, which amounts to advising them, but without assuming they have not thought of these ideas themselves or seeming like I am criticizing them. Again, when they reach constructive conclusions about what to do or how to cope, then I reinforce those.

    Lastly, I try and build them up by reminding them what personal strengths they have to deal with the issue, and I offer whatever support I can for any positive solution they may have decided upon.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #22
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    My favourite console was the Super Nintendo.

  3. #23
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Usually sit there with the person, that is, if that person wants me to be there. Let the person vent their frustration and clear a bit of what has been bothering the person.

    Otherwise, I'll leave the person alone if he/she doesn't want to be consoled.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Mae's Avatar
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    ISTP... I'm not good with the whole comforting, consoling thing. I'll ask them if they need me to do anything, or I'll just do whatever I think they might like. I have no problem leaving them alone if they want or sitting with them if they want to talk it out.

    I usually just want someone to sit there with me quietly, maybe distract with an activity, or listen if I want to vent. I get agitated by people really easily when I'm upset though, so I probably don't even want anyone near me except for my intimates.
    I got my smile from the sunshine,
    I got my tears from the rain.
    I learned to dance when I saw a tiger prance,
    And a peacock taught me to be vain.
    A little owl in a tree so high,
    He taught me how to wink my eye.
    I learned to bill and coo from a turtledove,
    And a grizzly bear taught me how to hug.
    But the guy that lived two caves from me,
    He taught me how to love.

  5. #25
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    I prefer not to console whenever possible. More solutions oriented. But when it's for something like a tragedy such as a death in the family or loss, then it's handled in a more physical way through hugs and touch, an ear and shoulder to cry on.

  6. #26
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    I prefer a kind of hands-off approach to consoling. I'm all too apt to give some Ti-based solution/advice if the situation calls for it. Which usually isn't an appropriate thing to do. If it isn't, I often just have no idea of what to do. Awkward pats? Mumbles and murmurs of "It'll be okay."? How do I know this? So I scrap that in favor of trying to see to their physical comfort. Fixing food. Running errands. Doing housework or something. Some sort of service so that the person can have some psychological space. Last resort is to just sit down and listen. Nod, show that I am listening and try to keep quiet (very hard). It's been hard for me to learn that even awkward attempts at consoling are better than nothing.

  7. #27
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    I someone I care about is upset, in pain, whatever it is, I want to fix it for them so bad I can taste it. It took me a long time to be able to *just* comfort someone. It felt useless and it still does but I realize this is sometimes all they need and want and I do my best to give that. Hugs, pampering, taking care of what needs to be taken care of...those are the things I look to do now.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  8. #28
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RevlisZero View Post
    When someone is feeling really upset about something, how do you prefer to go about consoling that person? Also, how would you prefer to be comforted? I'm curious to see if this might be type related as well, so please give your type.

    For me, an INTP, I used to prefer giving advice for how to help the situation, but now I'm starting to lean more toward showing sympathy and concern, especially if there's nothing that can really be done about the situation. This is also what I prefer to receive when I'm upset. I don't need someone to suggest logical solutions, because chances are I've already come up with it, and if I by chance I hadn't thought of it, I'll just think "why didn't I come up with that? " I understand when people don't give a lot of sympathy and prefer giving advice instead because I know they mean well, but I just want to know that someone cares about my problems and I can see that better through sympathy.
    Similar to you I've had to work towards showing sympathy and concern first before just jumping in ready to solve the problem. Its not that I'm unsympathetic. Quite the contrary, its just that I'm not always sure how to express it in a way that looks genuine and and not just putting on an act.

    On the receiving end, I want both expressed sympathy and concern as well as ideas for working towards a solution. Sympathy alone isn't good as just feeling sorry for me ultimately isn't going to solve the problem or make things better in the long run. Trying to solve my problem without showing sympathy or concern seems cold hearted and uncaring.
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  9. #29
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    I tend to listen empathetically to the other person's problems and figure out ways to help them alleviate the problem they are having. I show both compassion and a desire to solve the problem. I also show the person that they aren't alone in the problem and my own personal experiences, and how I've overcome them.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  10. #30
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    Hugs > words.

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