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  1. #11
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    If someone is sick or sad, I tend to want to baby them up with food, a little present (not expensive) that is specific to them or to their tastes (usually unexpected) and give them an opportunity to talk. I usually would ask questions just to clarify the situation to give them a chance to talk, but don't give advice unless it is clear that they are seeking that or the initial upset is gone and they are now looking for resources/perspective/ideas. Depending on how close I am to the person and how receptive they are, I probably would show some kind of physical affection towards them.

    I usually need a chance to vent off the biggest part of my upset and then talk enough that I have clarified in my own mind what is bothering me most. I use the reactions of those around me to also try to calibrate whether my response is reasonable or whether I just need a bit of time to see things in better perspective. Then I prefer to solve it myself or discuss my possible solutions with someone whose judgement I trust.

    I don't like it when Te users either try to tell me why I am overreacting and my problem is not that serious, that things will be fine or when they jump immediately to solving my problems for me without understanding the whole situation. I now do realize that they don't mean it to be offensive and are just doing what they would appreciate themselves.

    I think often Te users feel helpless if they can't do something active. They don't realize that simply by listening, they are performing a very valuable service for me that I can't do by myself. It helps me get rid of the excess emotion that is obscuring my perspective, it moves me towards finding a solution more quickly, and the act of talking about it with a real person (even if they are only receptive and not giving feedback right away) helps sort the problem and solution out in my own mind.

  2. #12
    Senior Member amerellis's Avatar
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    When I was ESTJ gone INFP I would be all empathy and sharing in their misery, being like aw that sucks and not really knowing how to encourage them or cheer them up. I would kind of get swept into their issues to and not know what to do.

    I haven't had the chance to console someone since my type change.

  3. #13
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    What...You used to be an ESTJ and now you're an INFJ? Do you realize how very opposite those types are? Do you think you just mis-typed yourself or do you believe you morphed from one to the other?

  4. #14
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    give constructive advice... the least appreciated manner of consolation ever!

    other frequently used approach is to find someone who is better at consolation than I am and send them in the direction of the person who needs consolation... consolation by delegation
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #15
    Senior Member amerellis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    What...You used to be an ESTJ and now you're an INFJ? Do you realize how very opposite those types are? Do you think you just mis-typed yourself or do you believe you morphed from one to the other?
    Yeah I know it sounds crazy but yeah I think my type changed. I felt it and despite INFJ and ESTJ being very different types, according to my typing method it's possible because they are actually very close to each other in proximity.

  6. #16
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Close to each other? In what way? I mean, I dated an ESTJ for almost five years and while I found some of those traits tremendously attractive, I think they were largely attractive to me because his strengths represented what I wished I could be. Much of our friction was caused by polar opposite ways of processing and responding to information and communicating our needs.

    INFJs use Ni, Fe, Ti and Se while ESTJs use Te, Si, Ne and Fi. It's a completely different set of functions.

    I'm not heckling, I'm just trying to see it from your perspective.

  7. #17
    Senior Member amerellis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Close to each other? In what way? I mean, I dated an ESTJ for almost five years and while I found some of those traits tremendously attractive, I think they were largely attractive to me because his strengths represented what I wished I could be. Much of our friction was caused by polar opposite ways of processing and responding to information and communicating our needs.

    INFJs use Ni, Fe, Ti and Se while ESTJs use Te, Si, Ne and Fi. It's a completely different set of functions.

    I'm not heckling, I'm just trying to see it from your perspective.
    Yeah I understand but it's kind of hard to explain. If I were to explain it I would have to reveal my entire "method" which I am reluctant to do.

  8. #18
    Member Josephized_Joe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I dated an ESTJ for almost five years and while I found some of those traits tremendously attractive, I think they were largely attractive to me because his strengths represented what I wished I could be. Much of our friction was caused by polar opposite ways of processing and responding to information and communicating our needs.
    It sounds like a vastly interesting dynamic between you two. I can see the attraction there. I wonder how much friction came from the J preference you both had.

    I have been dating introverts after a 25 year marriage (which ended only because she passed away) to an extrovert and the attraction for an introvert just isn't that sustainable. The harmony is incredible but to a point of boredom. (Sorry if things didn't workout for you and your ESTJ.)
    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    Mark Twain

  9. #19
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It was very interesting and I still admire those qualities. I wonder now though if it wouldn't be better to have those kinds of people as friends and continue developing my areas of weakness than to look for those traits in a partner. I agree with you completely on the extrovert/introvert thing though. There was some J preference friction (and I see it with my ENFJ mum too) in that they both are more determined and active in their Jness than I am. I'm kind of immovable on some things, but mostly I'm pretty easygoing, so it bugs me occasionally when there is less reciprocal flexiness and more active managing than I feel I'm giving. I grew up though with an ISTJ dad and ENFJ mum (I think my sister is some kind of NFJ perhaps as well), so that seems familiar and comfortable to me compared with the outward looseygoosiness/but inward immovability of P types on some things.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    I am okay at weathering someone's emotional storm while they vent at me or otherwise huff and puff. I'm a pretty good sounding board. However, when they start to cry or shout, I start to get very uncomfortable. I don't know if I should hug them (if crying), because generally being close to people makes me highly uncomfortable, or tell them it'll be all right. If they're shouting, childhood instincts kick in and I want to get away from them quickly, but I know I should stay. So, if those extreme emotions start to occur, I batten down the hatches and sit kinda awkwardly while they get it out of their system.

    At some point, I try to get them to take deep breaths to maintain a little more control. I'm much better at offering advice and insights into problems, though I try not to do that too much since a lot of people don't like that. Sometimes I can't help it, though, because I have a bit of a hero complex and I want to "save the day" for them so badly.

    But above all else what I'm best at is simply sitting there and listening. Not speaking, not advising, not hugging and coddling. Just sitting there as a pair of ears. What's more, because of my pretty terrible verbal memory, I don't remember any of the TMI or secrets they tell me well enough to ever possibly relate them (or I flag them as "not important" and never think to bring that information up). And I'm good about not judging them. When I get into "listening mode", I try to detach myself from the rest of myself as much as possible so I don't make any assumptions or judgments about who they are based off of what they did. I try to remember that people do stupid stuff when they're emotional and stressed.


    As for myself, it depends on who is comforting me. Occasionally, I have moments where I'm utterly inconsolable. In that time, I don't want advice or anyone to say anything. I just need to get all the emotion out first. Sometimes, I like to be hugged and held during this. But during most times of stress and upset, I'm upset NOT because I don't know what to do (though I may say so), but because what I have to do is upsetting to me. Or because I've entered a feedback loop of doubt and can't seem to escape it.

    I don't like advice while I'm upset, because my mind is not in a problem solving mode. Instead it's stuck. What I need instead is a little support while I get the emotions off my chest so I can address the problem more clearly. And support can simply be: the other person trying to make make me laugh a little about the issue, sitting there and listening, or making me do something else so I'm forced out of the loop of doubt. Once I'm calmed down and more centered, THEN I'll be ready to work on solving the problem and will happily take advice.
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

    Robert Frost

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