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  1. #1
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Default I don't seem to fit in anywhere.

    Socially, personally or energetically. In any other way too.
    I feel like the odd egg out with a defective bottom.

    Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

    I go to parties and groups and don't gel. Including special interest groups that I enjoy like meditation. My 2 best supposed best friends, excluded me from their birthday party...

    This nonacceptance of me feels like I don't know where to belong. I don't fit in with my family either, I maybe physically resembling yet in mind, heart and spirit huge gulfs.

    I said to a friend I'm used to abandonment I expect it now. But the reality is my biggest fear is abandonment yet ironically that is what seems to happen the most. Friends abandon me when I do not. I may drift in and out of space time, but I will always be there, always. Why is life like this.

    Do I create this subconsciously because I don't interact enough when I don't have the energy to? Does this seem like abandonment by others when I tell friends off the bat I struggle with situational and social standards. Please accept me for who I am, then months to years later they don't.

    I would like to feel more than an anomaly now, I would like to feel relatable and down to earth and in my quest to become such, umm no! Connections everywhere feel lost, I feel more alone than ever, this concerns me.

  2. #2
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Socially, personally or energetically. In any other way too.
    I feel like the odd egg out with a defective bottom.

    Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

    I go to parties and groups and don't gel. Including special interest groups that I enjoy like meditation. My 2 best supposed best friends, excluded me from their birthday party...

    This nonacceptance of me feels like I don't know where to belong. I don't fit in with my family either, I maybe physically resembling yet in mind, heart and spirit huge gulfs.

    I said to a friend I'm used to abandonment I expect it now. But the reality is my biggest fear is abandonment yet ironically that is what seems to happen the most. Friends abandon me when I do not. I may drift in and out of space time, but I will always be there, always. Why is life like this.

    Do I create this subconsciously because I don't interact enough when I don't have the energy to? Does this seem like abandonment by others when I tell friends off the bat I struggle with situational and social standards. Please accept me for who I am, then months to years later they don't.

    I would like to feel more than an anomaly now, I would like to feel relatable and down to earth and in my quest to become such, umm no! Connections everywhere feel lost, I feel more alone than ever, this concerns me.
    I feel as though you are fairly relatable. I'm surprised that your closest friends wouldn't have invited you to parties, though I understand why some wouldn't "get" you. Personally, I feel as though I would enjoy your true ability to go beyond the boundaries of regular thought and feeling, without seeming out of control or crazy.

    I relate to you a lot. But in the same breath, I find that most people relate to me. I throw a vibe that make people attracted to me, despite the feeling that I may be weird. I know that people still like me, I am popular, I have close friends, and people will invite me to parties, and I will never be alone.

    However, I relate to the abandonment part the most. I fear and attract abandonment at the same time. I also relate to the abandoned and attract the abandoned- suddenly abandon people, yet am often abandoned by those that I love. Almost like a focus around abandonment.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  3. #3
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    I do, but it doesn't concern me enough to open a thread about it. Instead I revel in it!

  4. #4
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    Could it be that your friends see you as socially awkward and don't want that to infringe with their social time with other friends? You admit to being bad in social situations so perhaps your friends don't want to have to deal with introducing you to the rest of their friends. Hopefully they enjoy spending one on one time with you in situations where your difficulties with social standards arise.

    I've felt neglected from parties before but in many ways I'm glad I didn't have to face all the trite social procedures. One real world example for me is movies. There are times where my friends tell me to shut up and stop over analyzing the movie with my negative cynical judgmental attitude. So I'm not the ideal movie mate and I get that.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    I feel as though you are fairly relatable. I'm surprised that your closest friends wouldn't have invited you to parties, though I understand why some wouldn't "get" you. Personally, I feel as though I would enjoy your true ability to go beyond the boundaries of regular thought and feeling, without seeming out of control or crazy.
    Me too. I started liking going to birthday parties. I understand why I wouldn't be invited to regular parties, though occasions like this, even the intention of consideration would have been great. There are friends who do other things and are busy and don't go, at least they are included.

    Which is why I start this thread, my intention was to create balance and become known by my friends, I put effort in activities for 5 years and the moment I drift for a few months I am out of the loop.

    I asked a friend who went and he said they went to watch football, they thought I wouldn't be interested. So then when I went to soccer and football outings I was disinterested too because, I mean I was but still I went. Then he goes its because you talk about consciousness too much. I'm thinking oh_kay last time I talked with my friends about anything to do with consciousness was around February when I went to the friends birthday party that I asked what's going on?

    Ah nvm. I'll live. But yeah I am uncomfortable with being abandoned, happens too often, it would be nice for my core social group to not do that. I suppose I have been changing energetically yet it still doesn't make sense.

    hahah then there is the lifetime of not fitting in, guh. I mean I fit in sort of but not quite, like I am in the intermediate zone.

    Quote Originally Posted by mavericknm View Post
    Could it be that your friends see you as socially awkward and don't want that to infringe with their social time with other friends? You admit to being bad in social situations so perhaps your friends don't want to have to deal with introducing you to the rest of their friends. Hopefully they enjoy spending one on one time with you in situations where your difficulties with social standards arise.
    My friends are socially awkward.
    Okay less than me but yah know, I ain't negative.

    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    I do, but it doesn't concern me enough to open a thread about it. Instead I revel in it!
    Oh pfft, its an INTJ stereotype surely.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    I can relate very well to this. My whole life I have been "different" for other people and I never fit into somewhere. This started to some degree in my childhood, but became more and more apparent, because when you are seen and treaten differently your whole life, you also develop differently. The thing is I KNOW that I am not normal in many ways, when we take the average of our society as a standard for normality, but I also know that much of it is a result of my life history. When you live your whole life as an exception who is different, who has never really fit into a group, you grow with the self-understanding of an unusual person, and you behave unusual, so you end up being unusual, which makes it harder to fit in somewhere again, and so you your unusual self-image just gets more and more established.

    The only people I can really get somehow along with now are people who also have trouble to fit into somewhere (not all), or who just are interested in unusual people / generally very accepting people, or are just a bit more quirky themselves than others. Which makes me also a bit biased towards unusual people and less interested in "normal" people. The problem is those people have issues with socialising themselves like me, so it is hard to get and stay in touch with such people.

  7. #7
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Me too. I started liking going to birthday parties. I understand why I wouldn't be invited to regular parties, though occasions like this, even the intention of consideration would have been great. There are friends who do other things and are busy and don't go, at least they are included.

    Which is why I start this thread, my intention was to create balance and become known by my friends, I put effort in activities for 5 years and the moment I drift for a few months I am out of the loop.

    I asked a friend who went and he said they went to watch football, they thought I wouldn't be interested. So then when I went to soccer and football outings I was disinterested too because, I mean I was but still I went. Then he goes its because you talk about consciousness too much. I'm thinking oh_kay last time I talked with my friends about anything to do with consciousness was around February when I went to the friends birthday party that I asked what's going on?

    Ah nvm. I'll live. But yeah I am uncomfortable with being abandoned, happens too often, it would be nice for my core social group to not do that. I suppose I have been changing energetically yet it still doesn't make sense.

    hahah then there is the lifetime of not fitting in, guh. I mean I fit in sort of but not quite, like I am in the intermediate zone.

    .
    Actually, the problem sounds like the crowd you're hanging out with. Not everybody wants to sit around and watch sports and drink beer. (Okay, a lot of people do, but I think that it's insanely insanely boring!!!!! I would like to think not everybody in the world wants to do this all day.) There are people out there who have varied interests. This actually kind of reminds me of a group I used to hang in a while back, where you would have probably been warmly welcomed. They were my e xboyfriend's core group, mostly male, some female, that promoted a lot of variety within the group.

    The group was very large, consisting of at least 50 people so I won't name them all...
    There was a web designer type guy, (I mention him first because he was a roommate, my boyfriend's best friend and became one of my best friends, I miss him dearly and rarely get to talk to him). ENTP, played guitar, very social, silly type, and extremely intelligent, liked to talk about a wide variety of topics. There was an INTP guy, (IQ tested very high I believe), in grad school for some science or other. Liked to talk about space and stars and stuff. My boyfriend, network engineer, very choleric ENTJ, liked to plan events, also highly intelligent- politics and history being his topic of choice. Me, (ESFP) was a nursing student- my specialty being medical, healthcare, human relations, psychology. Another girl, ESFP. Fun, energetic, "one of the guys," figure skater. Another guy who did some kind of contracted work, made a lot of money- ESTP, very good with the ladies, had a lot of character"isms". The list goes on and on, but it was nice knowing that I could bring any of my outside friends around and everyone would accept them. (From my very quiet ISTJ who's into finance and scrapbooking to my ENFP who travels the world and likes telling long rambling stories..) They took gamers and druggies, and partiers, a carpenter, travelers, geeks, socially awkward people, a lot of musicians. The group would take them in and take interest in discussing, asking questions. All while doing fun stuff in between. (Camping, fire pits, drinking, stereotypical fun.)

    I asked the ENTP and ENTJ (boyfriend) one day why we all bonded being so different. Similar intelligence level, they both responded, as if they already talked about this before. Maybe, maybe not- however, there's the type of person who likes beer and sports- and then there's the type of person who likes cosmos and government, "consciousness" and figure skating, medicine and sex, music and conspiracies. (Well, people who just have a lot of interests) and the second group just makes for better company!!! That's how I see it.

    (As for my "core" group, the one that I seem to be stuck with forever, they aren't quite as varied and exciting, but certainly meet my needs at least.)

    I guess I would have no suggestions except maybe join a book group or something nerdy.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  8. #8
    Anew Leaf
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    First, don't set yourself up mentally for being abandoned by thinking in terms of "eventually everyone will abandon me, so maybe I should do it first."

    I have always been much more of the loner type myself. I actually have a lot of friends if I sit down and list them out. This surprises me some days. I discovered that it is more of a mental mindset than what other people think of me. Once I started opening myself up more, being more outwardly affectionate with other people, being more real with myself, and being just plain more myself... I noticed lots of changes in how my friends reacted to me. I made more of an effort in being in their lives, and they did the same back at me.

    Embrace being yourself and it may help relax you. And try to not take things personally.

    I think one of the secrets of the universe is that deep down, none of us feel like we belong. It's just that some people are better at faking it outwardly; some people are better at faking it inwardly. And some of us stare that truth in the face every day and try to find a reliable "work around" for those feelings.

    TL;DR: at some point, the mother ship will come back for us.

  9. #9
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I've felt this way before yes. I'd guess, yes, there is some degree of withdrawal on your own part. Whenever I examine these times of my life when I felt this way, I have to be honest and say I was isolating myself, even when around people, I kept the wall up. You can't connect/relate/whatever when you're convinced you're defective & too strange. You've created a mental/emotional barrier.

    Sometimes bringing the wall down means being more receptive to other people, not just open about yourself (if that makes sense). The fact that your friend assumed you wouldn't like the football game is a bit of an indicator that you appear closed to him, to HIM as in his interests, his perspective, etc. He saw you as just interested in yourself (and people often view INFP 4s as being "snobby" about stuff, above their mundane, trivial leisure pursuits). The reality of course, is that you're not closed to it, but for some reason, people are getting that impression. Of course, these guys could be jerks also.....but it could still be useful for the future. I might be projecting too much of myself here, but you let me know if any of this sounds familiar....

    You are an enneagram 4, right? This is classic e4 stuff.

    InvisibleJim, however flippant, isn't that far off the mark, IMO. Accept you're different, be comfortable with it, but don't view it as a gulf, a hindrance, a defect, etc. You can be different AND relate to others still. Realize that adapting to others & being open to them is not a threat to your individuality. This also helps you feel more secure in general, so if/when you're "abandoned" again (because relationships wax & wane), you'll know it's not because you're defective or any comment on your worth as a person.

    Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling down, feeling excluded.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #10
    Ginkgo
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    If you're different, but you're part of the group, you have broken the mold and changed the group. Embrace it.

    If no one fits in, then we all fit in as a group of outcasts. Most people feel like outcasts at one point or another for different reasons.

    The Japanese have a word for a social misfit - "otaku". Otakus tend to stay home and venerate the house, so to speak, by engaging in a hobby such as programming, gaming, or, aha, typology. However, there are communities for that such as this one. Not to say that everyone here could be considered an otaku; actually far from it.

    You're no different than the rest of us squirming, miserable excuses for human flatulent beings.

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