I wish we could just have all of the cards on the table. I know you are invested elsewhere (and I love to know that you are happy), but just today I still found myself imagining you ringing my doorbell-- would that have been so hard to do? So much energy and so few words leave bears and foxes both confused, so it seems. I swear I need to kill my memory in places. You only exist there for less than a year, you would think I could tape over that.
That time you wore blue and orange and stood so close to me, in completely the worst surroundings possible. I'm sorry-- I wish you had asked, I wish I had told. Or Christmas time by the sink. Dog blankets. Talking over lunch. If we only ever had the chance to be truly alone, I could have been more at ease, breathed, seen. Let you know.
I wish you would stop with the d i s t a n t acknowledgement, it hurts more than the silence. Be where you are.
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I have mixed feelings about you. On one hand you are so entertaining that I am never bored interconnecting every random thought that passes my head and associating it with some onscure factoid. On the other hand, you are so entertaining that everythig else in my life seems so bland by comparison. You are a drug. I hope you realize this.
Dear friend (and probably my friends in general, especially IRL):
I'm sorry I'm a shitty listener. I'm sorry I hate listening to you venting, when you don't fully explain the situations you're venting to me about. I've been trying to be better about this, but the more I practice active listening, the more resentful I get. I need to really understand the situation in order to empathize with the person going through it.
It's probably safe to assume -- especially if you're a dramatic person -- that I'll offend you somehow if you come to me for comfort, either by victim blaming, or seeming interrogative, or playing devil's advocate, or just not taking your side. Most likely I'll never get better at it.
Now run along and find a friend who actually listens to you, and leave me to my solitary Spocklike insensitivity.
"When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world -- 'No, YOU move.'"
- Captain America
ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
want to ask me something? go for it!