You wonder why I am so distant and blowing hot/cold with remaining in contact. Maybe you're even chalking it up as some sign that your concerns about my life choices were valid.
Honestly, though, it's not me; it's you. I'm very happy with people who actually give a shit about me and aren't ashamed of being seen with me in public.
Yes, this whole thing has been hard on you. It's also been hard on me; at least you've had each other, I've had no one. In the end, either we face this together or we face it alone, and I guess I see which solution you've found more palatable.
If you want to do the twice/year contact thing to touch base, fine. I'll pay my dues. But don't wonder why I struggle with shame over who I am or why my feelings of anger sometimes get the best of me, when at this point I still find out about basic family events and holidays from my kids without being invited myself, and am otherwise treated like the dirty little secret that no one wants to deal with.
That is your prerogative, to choose how you will position yourself; but don't be surprised if I decide that's a role I don't personally care to play anymore.
You'll be happier without me intruding too much into your climate-controlled environment.