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  1. #31
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    Yeahhh.. I tried that...... Not that I got hurt more, but it wasn't being true to myself to put my cards on the table like that... Therefore I walked out feeling fake.
    Hopefully one day you'll find yourself in the presence of someone who makes you comfortable enough to be yourself.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  2. #32
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    Hopefully one day you'll find yourself in the presence of someone who makes you comfortable enough to be yourself.
    That is my wish.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  3. #33
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keps Mnemnosyne View Post
    People raised in broken families have a higher chance than the normal rate to become a part of a new broken family. For example the rate of child abuse is increased six-fold from five percent to thirty percent in families. Having said that the majority of victims(seventy percent) are able to overcome their past to be part of a better future.

    As for myself, whereas other people as they age seem to be losing their hope and innocence, I'm regaining mine. My life has improved so much since I was young. I cherish this greatly. My sadness is seeing others get hurt and then losing hope. I pray that these people will be able to heal themselves in their own time.
    The only real virtue that I haven't lost/is the strongest (since I was a kid) is hope. Because hope is the virtue, for me, that ties into other virtues(essentially hope brings ____.) But hope can only bring you so far and it takes an active conscious to change things for the better.

  4. #34
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    Ok, now for the second part of the thread, I have some questions.

    1. Do you fear abandonment? Even if there is no real threat of abandonment? (but only when you deeply care about someone)

    Do you sometimes feel as if the person you love would just run away or prefer someone else? And ironically the behavior which results from this fear pushes that person away.


    2. Do you need too much affection and love from the person you care about? And not receiving it results in you feeling that they don't love you at all.


    3. Do you generally feel incomplete?

    And when you love someone you feel as if the person completes you, thus the abandonment fear, because you not only lose the person you care about, you lose a part of yourself which is not coming back.


    4. Do you get jealous easily?


    5. Are you relationships erratic? Do you meet many people but break contact with almost all even if you don't want to? It just comes naturally.


    6. Do you get in relationships with people which will confirm your fears?



    ---------------------------------
    My answers are yes to all of the questions.


    Ironically a lot of people who have lived in "damaged" families will choose "damaged" relationships because it's the only kind of love they know. At least I do that. It's so fucking strange.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    1. absolutely yes. even with friends. Even when I hear a lot of praise from lover how smart, beautiful, anything I am I am wondering why he would be with me, there must be so much better choices.

    2. yes. I ve been told i need constant compliments, and when i dont hesr them regularly i think they r no longer true, so its unlikely that i was smart 2 months ago but not anymore, but thats my conclusion. I think "he was probably infatuated then and now he got to know me better so changed his mind"

    3. yup. though i dont even feel complete with SO. I like to be independent so i cant relax in codependent behavior, it is not lasting feeling


    4. yes, but i managed to improve it a lot... i am usually jealous on ex gfs, secretly

    5. OMG YES i think it comes from abandonment fear - i meet many ppl and befriend them but i usually disappear... its probably unconscious feeling of abandonment if u r not someones no1.

    6. probably.

  6. #36
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guesswho View Post
    1. Do you fear abandonment? Even if there is no real threat of abandonment? (but only when you deeply care about someone)

    Do you sometimes feel as if the person you love would just run away or prefer someone else? And ironically the behavior which results from this fear pushes that person away.
    Yes, I typically have this underlying nagging feeling that people will leave/abandon me once they get too close. I try really hard to not let this fear derail things and play things out as best as I can -- I try not to withhold myself, and I also avoid getting clingy -- but I do internalize a high amount of anxiety about it.

    2. Do you need too much affection and love from the person you care about? And not receiving it results in you feeling that they don't love you at all.
    I don't know what specifically you mean by "love and affection," but it's very easy for me to get wigged out by external cues or absence of them. IOW, a big part of my view of the world is that things can change, sometimes drastically, and just because someone loves me today doesn't mean they will love me tomorrow, and so if I stop getting any cues I can read as them still caring, then I have to fight this aching fear that they don't care anymore.

    3. Do you generally feel incomplete?
    And when you love someone you feel as if the person completes you, thus the abandonment fear, because you not only lose the person you care about, you lose a part of yourself which is not coming back.
    I would say that I work at being independent and living my life as if I am complete. However, I feel very lonely if I don't have someone in that intimate role; it can be pretty bad.

    4. Do you get jealous easily?
    At times, I might feel jealousy, but I never allow myself to act on it; I sense what it is immediately, and process it, and then typically deal with it in the most mature way I can. I refuse to limit others in order to make myself feel better... partly because it's not fair to them and partly because I know it will only damage the relationship anyway.

    5. Are you relationships erratic? Do you meet many people but break contact with almost all even if you don't want to? It just comes naturally.
    I think all of my relationships ebb and flow, but I wouldn't say I break contact. We just invest a lot at certain times, but then there are other things to focus on. It's not uncommon for a relationship that was very interactive and then grew dormant to "turn back on" in the right context and continue where it left off.

    6. Do you get in relationships with people which will confirm your fears?
    No, I avoid people like that. I can see why there might be some comfort in it, since I typically am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop" which creates anxiety, and in those relationships at least the shoe would be dropped (or thrown) early, but I know the relationship would be bad for me, so.... no.

    Ironically a lot of people who have lived in "damaged" families will choose "damaged" relationships because it's the only kind of love they know. At least I do that. It's so fucking strange.
    Yes. I think for people who don't easily analyze their own behavior, they drift toward familiarity even if they didn't like it at the time. I think people's need for something they recognize and feel comfortable with drives them back toward situations reflecting past experiences. In new situations, there is no roadmap or security or idea of what comes next. You see this in dysfunctional family patterns; if one member of the family decides to change, it throws the rest of the family in turmoil because even though the family was unhealthy, at least everyone knew their assigned roles. Now no one knows what to do anymore.

    I consider myself to be someone who can handle change fairly well and on my own, if need be... and in those situations in my life where I had to basically toss out everything I knew and enter unfamiliar territory, despite any of the perks, it was very tiring, and created anxiety, and I had to constantly be reevaluating myself and where I was going.

    I think your answers to these questions are going to be slanted based on how driven by their emotions someone is. I think those who are more adept at detachment still can feel the same issues inside, but they can remove themselves from the fears or set them aside more easily, and do what seems to make more sense from what they've learned. At the same time, they might tend to detach too much from relationships, but at least in these situations regular detachment provides a buffer zone and protection.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #37
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guesswho View Post
    Ok, now for the second part of the thread, I have some questions.

    1. Do you fear abandonment? Even if there is no real threat of abandonment? (but only when you deeply care about someone)

    Do you sometimes feel as if the person you love would just run away or prefer someone else? And ironically the behavior which results from this fear pushes that person away.


    2. Do you need too much affection and love from the person you care about? And not receiving it results in you feeling that they don't love you at all.


    3. Do you generally feel incomplete?

    And when you love someone you feel as if the person completes you, thus the abandonment fear, because you not only lose the person you care about, you lose a part of yourself which is not coming back.


    4. Do you get jealous easily?


    5. Are you relationships erratic? Do you meet many people but break contact with almost all even if you don't want to? It just comes naturally.


    6. Do you get in relationships with people which will confirm your fears?



    ---------------------------------
    My answers are yes to all of the questions.


    Ironically a lot of people who have lived in "damaged" families will choose "damaged" relationships because it's the only kind of love they know. At least I do that. It's so fucking strange.
    Aside from keeping jealousy in check and under the radar, Yes to all of the above. The above are definitely the central problems in my relationships. The getting into relationships with people who confirm my fears part is the weirdest one. I did that in my last relationship, it was really obvious he was one who walks out on people at random. I think that the fear (already present) was intensified by a few very tough losses within a year. (A death of a loved one, a breakup/loss of home, a financial crisis-worst year of my life.) So then I proceeded into a relationship with this man who was clearly going to have an intense relationship and head out the door. Usually I leave before they can leave me though.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  8. #38
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post

    I think your answers to these questions are going to be slanted based on how driven by their emotions someone is. I think those who are more adept at detachment still can feel the same issues inside, but they can remove themselves from the fears or set them aside more easily, and do what seems to make more sense from what they've learned. At the same time, they might tend to detach too much from relationships, but at least in these situations regular detachment provides a buffer zone and protection.
    The odd thing about this statement, is that for me, I'm almost too adept in the skill of detachment. I do all of the above things without much insight into them, or why I do that or how to fix it. (I'm normally a problem solver, I don't dwell in problems, but this is one that I just can't seem to figure out!) The number one complaint from men towards me is "You don't care." But if you read all of the above, it looks like I care too much, I've just developed a good ability to appear emotionless.

    Edit: A couple of other things. My closest friends are usually from broken families, (not all of them, but the ones that I develop that deep bond of everlasting friendship with- which is great because I get that understanding from them without feeling that they are going to "leave.")

    Also, when I see nuclear families, (not as common nowadays,) I think the relationships look strange to me. I try to observe their behaviors and see how they work- I almost feel like an autistic kid trying to figure out social behaviors, except a broken kid trying to figure out the behaviors of the people who are whole regarding their family life. I have excellent relations with my mom and extended family, but the actual nuclear family unit is always really strange to me. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. The families that I have felt fully "welcomed" all had some broken factor. Maybe it's because I feel that they are not a closed unit... (All in my head, of course.)
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  9. #39
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    1. Yes. Or rather I have done. I think this is reflected in my tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Sigh.
    2. I vary. I'm either ambivalent or too intense. I never get it right.
    3. Ah...I'm pretty complete as an individual. I tend to give my heart and soul though.
    4. Yes. It's a little problem of mine. I know this. Lots of touching helps though. The more jelous I get, the higher the stakes are. I try not to make other people's problem though.
    5. I have a habit of shutting down, and jumping ship. Only two relationships have I stayed until the bitter end.
    6. I think I've become a little more aware of my patterns. I think I've gotten closer to ideal with each passing relationship.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #40
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    1. Do you fear abandonment? Even if there is no real threat of abandonment? (but only when you deeply care about someone)

    Do you sometimes feel as if the person you love would just run away or prefer someone else? And ironically the behavior which results from this fear pushes that person away.
    yes, i'm always scared of this and i feel like my distance and paranoia ends up driving them away in the end

    2. Do you need too much affection and love from the person you care about? And not receiving it results in you feeling that they don't love you at all.
    definitely, but i recognize that my need isn't healthy and try really hard to have more realistic expectations

    3. Do you generally feel incomplete?

    And when you love someone you feel as if the person completes you, thus the abandonment fear, because you not only lose the person you care about, you lose a part of yourself which is not coming back.

    yes


    4. Do you get jealous easily?
    very, but again i know that jealousy isn't an attractive quality and i try to stop myself from showing it even though i'm definitely feeling it

    5. Are you relationships erratic? Do you meet many people but break contact with almost all even if you don't want to? It just comes naturally.
    i feel like i'll break off contact with people sometimes to test them, to see if they care enough to put in the effort to contact me. and if they don't i figure they don't care enough and blow them off. which i fully realize is unfair and one-sided.

    6. Do you get in relationships with people which will confirm your fears?
    yes, i have a habit of falling for guys who are either emotionally unavailable period, or still recovering from a breakup and not over their exes. which just allows my jealousy/abandonment issues to have more of a basis in reality.

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