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  1. #21
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mkenya View Post
    The only thing that disturbs me about not really having a father growing up is that if and when I do have children I'll have very little idea as to what a father is "supposed" to do. Meh, I'll figure it out though..
    Yes, you can still figure it out by reading, educating yourself, finding other men who you think are good decent human beings and good fathers, and either watching them or asking question of them. Mostly, it's using your unique self (just as moms do) in order to invest in your kids and help them grow up and feel secure and loved.

    Both sets of parents typically also teach their kids skills that they know well. Skills can overlap between genders too -- whether they be cooking cleaning, house maintenance, shopping, budgeting, fixing things, sports, problem-solving, etc. Parents typically do things with their kids, engaging them actively. It can be as simple as taking them out on walks to explore the world together. A lot of it is intent. If you want to be a good parent, then spend time doing things with your kids, and a lot of the parenting stuff will happen. You'll also learn as you go on how to engage them on their level, and when you don't feel comfortable, ask other parents.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  2. #22
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    What concerns me is when someone is used to a certain standard far below par, when that person becomes a parent, do they behave better as they themselves didn't have that kind of love or do they treat their children as there parent treated them (ie with no regard at all)??
    If I can see the future

    But more than likely, people will have some of the personalities of their parents, whether that person likes it or not. It is that saying where the more disdain you have for a parent, the more likely you are similar to one or both of the parents

    But like I said, if I can see the future, I hope I'll be different enough from my parents and even siblings. Heck, even though I don't want to admit it, I do have a similar personality to my father. Even my siblings like to remind me of how similar I am to him too (much to my disdain...and apparently I am the one most like him.) My feelings for my father is mixed. Not a perfect father (don't think I want him to be though.) And as much I don't want to admit it, he isn't as half bad as my siblings. He definitely did more for me, anyhow, or least tried...putting his flaws aside.

  3. #23
    Senior Member InTheFlesh's Avatar
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    Of course I don't have any statistics or facts to back this up, but it seems to come down to one of three things.

    1). The child will grow up with a sense of strength and true independence stemming from it.
    2). The child will show generally apathetic tenancies, not falling to any extreme.
    3). The child will be torn apart by it, expressing pain through rejecting social norms varying from school to respecting authoritative figures.

    Of course, it could be argued that many kids go down one of these three paths while still having both parents in their life, but with that we have to keep in mind that emotional abandonment can have many of the same effects as a complete lack of that parent in your life. If anything, lacking a stable household tends to root out the sense of normality that a child with both parents won't even recognize feeling in the first place, be it good or bad.
    The three bullets above are admittedly very vague though, and could come down to nothing more than rhetorical rather than actual.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Keps Mnemnosyne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    What concerns me is when someone is used to a certain standard far below par, when that person becomes a parent, do they behave better as they themselves didn't have that kind of love or do they treat their children as there parent treated them (ie with no regard at all)??
    People raised in broken families have a higher chance than the normal rate to become a part of a new broken family. For example the rate of child abuse is increased six-fold from five percent to thirty percent in families. Having said that the majority of victims(seventy percent) are able to overcome their past to be part of a better future.

    As for myself, whereas other people as they age seem to be losing their hope and innocence, I'm regaining mine. My life has improved so much since I was young. I cherish this greatly. My sadness is seeing others get hurt and then losing hope. I pray that these people will be able to heal themselves in their own time.
    Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it.

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    I can cope and will cope without polluting my lungs. - Saslou

  5. #25
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guesswho View Post
    They say kids who grow up without their fathers become "stronger" because they have to put up with life's bullshit much earlier.

    Of course, the people who say this didn't actually grow up without a father.

    Anyone wanna share some stories or something?

    What do you guys think?
    My mother and I left my father when I was about 6 weeks old. I have never met him. The only relationship we had is a DNA test to prove that he was my father so he would have to pay child support. He denied he was my father many times and ran from the government. I had his last name, but when I was about 9 yrs. old, my mother changed it to her own last name, wishing to sever all connections. (They were engaged, never married.)

    Essentially, being born without a father is like being born blind or without a body part. It's just reality. I know about fathers and people with fathers, and they think that life is somehow enhanced with one. (Like, someone's life is enhanced with two legs- to someone with one leg, it's hard to say one way or the other.)

    As a seemingly separate issue, I have major problems with relationships- I have great difficulty compared to the norm. I know people nowadays have really bad problems with them. Mine are completely beyond my comprehension. It's not that I outwardly break out in all these fights and stuff. But there's this constant feeling as though I'm alone, i can never feel oneness with someone. I do not tell my partners everything, hardly anything really. I'm afraid to. I don't know why I'm afraid to reveal any point of vulnerability in romantic relationships, I just am. I just can't use my words. I'm "hard to get" in almost any situation where I get asked out. The answer is "No" 99 percent of the time. No reason. Just "no." It's not a game, it's just my answer until the brave become persistent enough to ask three or four times, or smart enough to learn my complicated "route." Most give up though. (Lucky for them, because after the complications of getting me, there's the complication of never really getting to know me.) I'm just the generally happy, giggly, fun loving girl who goes in the room and locks the door if there's anything else going on. Some of my best friends said they wouldn't wish their worst enemy to be in a romantic relationship with me. Because though I'm not mean or manipulative or any stereotypical female problem, I just am not cut out for romantic closeness. In the same breath, I am a hopeless romantic. Figure that one out.

    So, I considered this a separate trait for years. Something to be "overcome", not babied, ignored. I'm just now making the connection that this could have stemmed from being fatherless..Not consciously, that's for sure.(There is actually no sense of anger, hurt, or abandonment when I think about my father, though.. No emotional reaction at all.) .
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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    by sns.

  6. #26
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    People raised in broken families have a higher chance than the normal rate to become a part of a new broken family.
    Some walk on their parents foot steps without realizing, until they get to this point when the similarities become too obvious...and then they realize it.


  7. #27
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    HAHAHA I'm sorry, your story is very sad, but this part gives a hilarious picture for me

    What country are you from?

    My father was good, just very strict & rather emotionally stupid.
    Croatia (ex yugoslavia )


    it is kind of funny, in a very crazy way

  8. #28
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    My mother and I left my father when I was about 6 weeks old. I have never met him. The only relationship we had is a DNA test to prove that he was my father so he would have to pay child support. He denied he was my father many times and ran from the government. I had his last name, but when I was about 9 yrs. old, my mother changed it to her own last name, wishing to sever all connections. (They were engaged, never married.)

    Essentially, being born without a father is like being born blind or without a body part. It's just reality. I know about fathers and people with fathers, and they think that life is somehow enhanced with one. (Like, someone's life is enhanced with two legs- to someone with one leg, it's hard to say one way or the other.)

    As a seemingly separate issue, I have major problems with relationships- I have great difficulty compared to the norm. I know people nowadays have really bad problems with them. Mine are completely beyond my comprehension. It's not that I outwardly break out in all these fights and stuff. But there's this constant feeling as though I'm alone, i can never feel oneness with someone. I do not tell my partners everything, hardly anything really. I'm afraid to. I don't know why I'm afraid to reveal any point of vulnerability in romantic relationships, I just am. I just can't use my words. I'm "hard to get" in almost any situation where I get asked out. The answer is "No" 99 percent of the time. No reason. Just "no." It's not a game, it's just my answer until the brave become persistent enough to ask three or four times, or smart enough to learn my complicated "route." Most give up though. (Lucky for them, because after the complications of getting me, there's the complication of never really getting to know me.) I'm just the generally happy, giggly, fun loving girl who goes in the room and locks the door if there's anything else going on. Some of my best friends said they wouldn't wish their worst enemy to be in a romantic relationship with me. Because though I'm not mean or manipulative or any stereotypical female problem, I just am not cut out for romantic closeness. In the same breath, I am a hopeless romantic. Figure that one out.

    So, I considered this a separate trait for years. Something to be "overcome", not babied, ignored. I'm just now making the connection that this could have stemmed from being fatherless..Not consciously, that's for sure.(There is actually no sense of anger, hurt, or abandonment when I think about my father, though.. No emotional reaction at all.) .
    i relate a lot to how you feel about relationships. i want so bad to have a really deep connection with someone where i can trust them completely and share everything with them, but there's always something in me holding back, i can't be up front about how i feel or get to that level with anyone. even when i've thought i was in love i'm filled with a ton of doubt because how can you really be in love with someone you don't trust? i've always kinda blamed it on not having a solid father figure, but i guess people whose dads are there for them their whole life can still end up with all kinds of daddy issues too.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chana View Post
    i relate a lot to how you feel about relationships. i want so bad to have a really deep connection with someone where i can trust them completely and share everything with them, but there's always something in me holding back, i can't be up front about how i feel or get to that level with anyone. even when i've thought i was in love i'm filled with a ton of doubt because how can you really be in love with someone you don't trust? i've always kinda blamed it on not having a solid father figure, but i guess people whose dads are there for them their whole life can still end up with all kinds of daddy issues too.
    I understand where yourself and short are coming from with this and although i don't have many relationships under my belt, the only thing i have realised now i am in my 30's is that i am no longer going to hold back. My insecurities are irrational fears and honestly, what's the worst that can happen? I get hurt. I could also get hurt by protecting myself because he may think 'fuck this' and bugger off. The least i can offer any human being who i choose to have a relationship with is having all my cards on the table. With new life cycles come very valuable lessons.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  10. #30
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    I understand where yourself and short are coming from with this and although i don't have many relationships under my belt, the only thing i have realised now i am in my 30's is that i am no longer going to hold back. My insecurities are irrational fears and honestly, what's the worst that can happen? I get hurt. I could also get hurt by protecting myself because he may think 'fuck this' and bugger off. The least i can offer any human being who i choose to have a relationship with is having all my cards on the table. With new life cycles come very valuable lessons.
    Yeahhh.. I tried that...... Not that I got hurt more, but it wasn't being true to myself to put my cards on the table like that... Therefore I walked out feeling fake.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

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