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  1. #11
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Harder? Easier? It depends.

    A father that doesn't feel like he is that much of a help can make things harder than having no father. Some people can even resent having the father in the first place. And from there, the kid has to learn to grow up in place of what he/she perceives as a neglect of the father figure. I mean, picking up the slack of a father that "didn't" do much for the family speaks quite a bit.

    But at the same time, not having that father figure to begin with could mean some lessons aren't there to be taught and the kids needs to learn it themselves anyhow. But this person might not know much of what his/her father was like and only know about the stories about his/her father.

    I knew both types where people didn't have fathers while growing up and ones with fathers that is just....[insert expletive.] The one that did have fathers, it is sort of like having to take care of bullshit for an adult that can't handle it while you are the kid.

    And I also know people who live just fine with not ever truly knowing their father and people who would call their father "hell" and still live just fine.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Frankly, if I hear one more father give me another excuse as to why they can't instead of how they can for their children, I'm picking up a brick and smashing their face in. I don't care about your relationship with their mother. I don't care how confused you are or how hard life is or how no one understands. Suck it the fuck up and father your children.
    +1

    i have a relative who decided to suddenly and without warning up and leave his wife after a year of clandestine cheating and not having said anything about being unhappy, with the excuse that he couldn't get along in the relationship anymore. he left her to take care of the 3 children. he had a rough childhood, my mom has said, with alcoholic parents, and that's been mentioned as one of the reasons he might not have the best grip on how to parent. i think it's bullshit, zip up your goddamned pants and grow a pair. speak to your wife, don't cheat, and help raise your children. if you're unhappy in the marriage, first of all talk, then go to counseling, then get a divorce. if you were smart enough to figure out how to reproduce, you're smart enough to be able to be a decent parent. just actually give a shit about your kids' lives, instead of running away to sleep with some 20-year-old.

  3. #13
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    I'm strong for overcoming my father's bullshit, but it mostly sucks at this point.

    He was/is a perpetual alcoholic who would be dead now if I hadn't gotten him to the hospital in 2005, and sometimes I'm not sure I made the right decision. He habitually blames everyone else for his problems; tried to not tell anyone the time he was going to prison for 30 days (DUI) although all of us found out when he was sent in, and he wouldn't discuss it; he lost his job in 1981 partly for being an alchie and partly for being an uncompromising jerk, and never recovered from that professionally or financially; my mom was the only steady income AND the only parent at home while he spent much of his time away and/or drunk; and all they ever did when he was home was fight anyway. He cheated on my mom and lied about it (but I found out who it was).

    I had to parent both of my parents when I was a kid and ended up in the same super-responsibility craptastic pattern I had as a kid, which today I'm trying to break myself of... but it's hard, since I do have kids to take care of.

    He's pissed off at me for not living my life the way he thinks I should (despite him never rising to his responsibilities), so he stopped talking to me over two years ago. I still see my mom, but he's chosen to treat me as if I do not exist, and to remove me from the will, and whatever else. I had to acquire a lot of perspective in order to not let his recriminations destroy my self-confidence.

    I think at this point, the thing I mourn most is never having two adults in my life who I could just be the child around. When my life feels all screwed up and I'm stuck, I have nowhere to go. There are moments from time to time I just want someone older and wiser to tell me that everything's going to be okay and to hold me for awhile... or to take my hand and help me figure out how to fix a problem... but in the end, the only person I have to do that is myself. There isn't anyone else.

    So yes, I think I've become very strong because of it, but I'd trade some of that just to have some fatherly figure there. IMO, it's definitely not all it's cracked up to be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Biaxident View Post
    Mine drank himself to death when I was six. And it's taken me many years to be able to put the anger aside.
    Damn. I'm sorry.

    As far as being stronger... Perhaps, if one counts dealing with intense stress and pain early in life, and not letting it completely incapacitate you. But the environment you grow up in, and support from family, is what keeps your grounded, and helps you deal with things constructively when young. Didn't have that.
    Exactly. A kid is still a kid, and family sets patterns for adulthood.

    If I've become stronger, it's because I have been through much on my own, and have learned to take those experiences and apply the lessons learned. It's not always good, nor is it always bad. It just is.
    That's kind of how I see it to. It just is what it is. I am who I have become. I function very well. Who knows what things might have been like, otherwise?

    You can be a strong asshole who everyone hates. Who goes around spewing venom, be it passively, or aggressively, on everyone, and everything, that can't be manipulated by him. Or you can be a strong, kind, person, who helps those he can, but who isn't blind to people who manipulate others for gain. I prefer the second myself
    I am so with you on this. I refuse to be a venom-spewer or to be a victim all of my life -- I am not going to overcompensate either, I'm just going to use my strength and wisdom and desire for closeness that I missed to benefit myself and others, while remaining aware of what evil and selfishness there is in the world without being exploited by it again. It's all we've got. The first part of my life was horrid in many ways, and I'm going to live the rest out as successfully and beautifully as I can.

    I'm glad you made it through too.

    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSTivVclQQ0"]We Are the Champions[/YOUTUBE]
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  4. #14
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    I grew up with a dad who explained that I'd have to put up with life's bullshit.

    I think most of the bullshit I've ever had to put up with has been my parents'.

  5. #15
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I think at this point, the thing I mourn most is never having two adults in my life who I could just be the child around. When my life feels all screwed up and I'm stuck, I have nowhere to go. There are moments from time to time I just want someone older and wiser to tell me that everything's going to be okay and to hold me for awhile... or to take my hand and help me figure out how to fix a problem... but in the end, the only person I have to do that is myself. There isn't anyone else.
    Same, that is how I feel sometimes. It kind of felt like there wasn't really a person in my life I could fully call a role model. It was as if I had to go through the trials and tribulations all on my own (emotionally.) I felt like I couldn't cry in front of anyone. I felt like I could not show how weak I truly felt as a child.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I am so with you on this. I refuse to be a venom-spewer or to be a victim all of my life -- I am not going to overcompensate either, I'm just going to use my strength and wisdom and desire for closeness that I missed to benefit myself and others, while remaining aware of what evil and selfishness there is in the world without being exploited by it again. It's all we've got. The first part of my life was horrid in many ways, and I'm going to live the rest out as successfully and beautifully as I can.
    I think, as I grow older and really do mature, I would give a child a life that wasn't really offered there for me. I would want to be the best role model there is if there is ever a child that comes to my life. I want to be able to impart all that I have to the child so he/she wouldn't make the same mistakes the people around me and I did but still allow the child to be a child. If the child decide to make those mistakes, I won't mind. I won't say "I told you so" just as long as the child learns. I would allow the child to cry. I would allow the child to cry in front of me if he/she wanted to. I will not mind. I will not mind allowing the child to give every frustration he/she wants to me.

    I don't feel like being the venom spewer or the victim when the times comes. By that time, my life is my child, not the other way around. My life is with the family I create, not the family I currently have.

    Even though what I have gone though doesn't compare to you guys it does make a huge impact on how I think.

    And this reminds me.

    [YOUTUBE="eAfyFTzZDMM"]Christina Aguilera - Beautiful[/YOUTUBE]

    [YOUTUBE="pjdhqCZQGlQ"]Christina Aguilera - Miracle[/YOUTUBE]
    Last edited by Rail Tracer; 06-27-2011 at 11:42 AM.

  6. #16
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    I have nothing to compare it too. I've never had a father or even a real father figure. After the age of 4 when my mom finally answered the question of why daddy never came home, I just put it outside of my mind.

  7. #17
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    my dad was around occasionally, but most of the time he was out at bars drinking, leaving the parenting to my mother. I don't think it effected me because I still had a father, my ESTP brother on the other hand is angry with him about it.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  8. #18
    morose bourgeoisie
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    I lived with both of my parents for 19 years, until he died. But I never really knew him very well. He hardly spoke at all. He didn't drink or anything, but he had PTSD from his mother dying when he was 12...

  9. #19
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guesswho View Post
    They say kids who grow up without their fathers become "stronger" because they have to put up with life's bullshit much earlier.

    What do you guys think?
    This thread is so sad *sigh*

    I loved my father to pieces and couldn't understand why i could only see him one day a week. I now understand so i can't be angry.

    because of whats going on around me at present, i think it depends on a childs temperament. My eldest really doesn't mind not having a father around (he's a mommy's boy when not hurling playful abuse down his xbox mic) but the other kiddo. Yeah, he got rejection issues (amongst other things) big time. His dad ended up messaging sexual references to his girlfriend and his step dad recently said he's nothing but trouble and wouldn't send kiddo a simple message.

    Maybe one day kiddo will be stronger but at the moment, he's falling into a bottomless pit.

    What concerns me is when someone is used to a certain standard far below par, when that person becomes a parent, do they behave better as they themselves didn't have that kind of love or do they treat their children as there parent treated them (ie with no regard at all)??
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  10. #20
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    The only thing that disturbs me about not really having a father growing up is that if and when I do have children I'll have very little idea as to what a father is "supposed" to do. Meh, I'll figure it out though..

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