1. Assaulted me for food in the dark each and every morning.
2. Murdered and dismembered young crickets after tormenting them.
3. Sat on my chest while I was trying to type on my keyboard, although first (each time) sticking his butt right in my face.
4. Spilled his food and water all over the kitchen floor.
5. Scattered kitty litter onto the bathroom floor, so I could feel it in my bare feet.
And, finally, wasted two hours of my time and five years of my life on Sunday by staging a false "prison break" where I was outside in the dark and rain with a borrowed flashlight looking for him, where in reality he had clawed a hole in the bottom of my boxsprings, climbed up inside, and promptly had gone to sleep.
And it's only Wednesday.
Even Jesus would think my cat's a dick.